Thursday, December 26, 2013

it's post-Oahu me

I didn't log onto a computer for 9 days, and it felt great. I loved my vacation - it was like I didn't have a job. Like I was a college student in between semesters again. Only a college student who was free to spend whatever I wanted as I went about doing the tourist life on Oahu, with military friends as a guide. I'm a total fan. You know it's a great vacation when you're sad to go home. Sometimes, I'm happy to be done with a trip and get back home where it's cozy - not this time. This trip also marked the longest plane ride I've ever taken, which was Dallas to Honolulu. Hmm, all I'm doing is gushing, but it's because I've spent the past 9 and a half days surrounded by family (often crammed in next to family), and it's never easy to go from that to my solo apartment. Not that I don't love my solo apartment. It's just, I'm an adult again. I've said it before and I'll say it again, there's nothing quite like being taken care of by people you have absolute faith in. Trust.
I swear this is the road MB lives on in Aiea, HI. Her kids are the cutest.
When I did come back, I realized:

  • I might want to invest in a spice rack. Something so they're not just randomly stacked all around. They probably have those at Ikea, but I'm not sure how willing I am to brave Ikea on a Friday night. Do they have them at Walmart and I just never noticed?
  • I still have dead flowers in a vase from my birthday, two months ago.
  • I don't know quite what to do with Bartholemew the gerbil which my cousin AM gave me, but I think he's adorable and I wish he wasn't a key chain.
  • I need to make a list and spend the weekend Christmas shopping.
  • My sisters and I really are going to play it off like we spent all of Christmas in Hawaii.
  • I'm back to don't-really-care mode with S, which is b/c I'm not convinced he really cares, so I can't set myself up for failure. Novels teach me that this means I'm setting myself up for failure since I'm not going all-in.
Hanauma Bay - We went here on the 4th day for the snorkling and had a sibling beach photo shoot.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

black coat, red hat / he's walking like that

Last night I finished writing the 5 blogs for EG's company website. Now I don't have to worry about posting while I'm on vacation :-). Each blog post is 200-400 words. It's funny. Lately, I only read the blogs of a few fashionistas whose style I love, and 2 blogs about Kdramas. In the past, I did try to find a blog about books, but none of them ever really clicked for me. I enjoy writing about writing though. Maybe this whole time I was looking for a blog about writing. Each post is work, but it's work I enjoy. It's work that wakes me up mentally after a trying day at work, and gets me excited. And all this writing about writing is bound to get me in the mindset to write again.

I remember what it's like. The world is inspiration. The man walking towards Rt1 as I drive to work in the morning is the main character of a potential story. His coat is the reason I noticed him - black leather, but with a white tiger face staring boldly back, and he wears a bright red flattened top hat. There's a word for that type of hat, but I don't know it. Where's he going every morning, and why does he have to walk there? Why isn't he driving or taking a bus like everyone else? It's below freezing these mornings.

Alternately, I'm meeting S on the way to my parents' house, in the middle of nowhere. Nothing will be open but Walmart.
but creeeepy stuff happens in nowhere...
I'd rather do a diner, but that closes at 8 in the tiny town, and I won't get there until after 8, since I have to wait for rush hour traffic to be over. Is this a good idea or a bad idea? Probably bad, since talking to him isn't high on my priority list. Apparently I'm turning into a high schooler. It wouldn't have to be this way if his stupid ass would just visit me instead. Stupid.

Off to buy a bathing suit.

Friday, December 13, 2013

i'm ordering a hurricane

You know, a laptop is just as good a source of warmth as the cup of tea when all the tea's gone and I hold it against my stomach. Should I just buy a hot water bottle?

I got to talk to E and M today via skype. My laptop is just old enough that it did not come equipped with a webcam. At least I got to see the baby. She's a pretty baby. Cute little features. That little girl knows how good she's got it, with her two adoring parents.

I made a drink - Dark and Stormy - which is just rum and ginger beer. I use the Goya ginger beer, which is painful to drink even flat. I had to water the thing down with some cranberry juice. The next time I go out, I'm ordering a hurricane; the drink sounds delicious.
or better yet, 3 hurricanes! muhahahaha
I tried to break it off with S. But I let myself be pulled in. And then he called me on Tuesday. And then decided not to text me really. Does he just want to be the one to officially end whatever this is? Am I paranoid for thinking  that way? I don't have much trust. I think I'll never see him again, so what's the point in getting invested? I really do think this. I also don't think he's the one for me anyway, so I should encourage the drifting away. And then I want to hold tight. But it doesn't matter if I can't sort things out because I'll never see him again anyway. I'm muddled.

And now, time for:

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

the rest of the winters of my life

I wrote my first two blog entries for my friend's publishing company and sent them off to her. Hoping they have the right feel. When I asked her what to write about, she said something that I'm passionate about. Once the joy of talking about reading and writing took over, it was easy to write the posts. I was intimidated at first because of my failure with the press release. And of course, I had to come and talk about it here. It's a bloggy kind of night.
bloggy rhymes with froggy! this dude looks like royalty
Weirdly enough, although I ran out of biotin last week or the week before, my nails are really strong. It must be the water. I keep expecting them to break every time I accidentally shove my hands somewhere, but they don't. Why is this awesome thing happening to me? Will it continue to happen to me for the rest of the winters of my life? Speaking of winter, the solstice is Dec 21, which I really and truly want to happen so that I can stop going to and coming from work in the dark. It's a novelty to be outside in the day, and that's just not right.

I had a hamburger at the Christmas party for the first time since I accidentally ate one about 2 years ago; I didn't like it then, and I still didn't really like it now. Don't get me started on the horrible summer at my parents' house (4? years ago) when my dad made hamburgers for dinner every single day on the grill and my mom cooked nothing at all. My sisters and I have sworn off hamburgers because of that. I thought I was ready to start over, but I was wrong.
please take them, oh hamburgler
Don't know what's going on with the S thing. I don't know what's going on with my car - there was frost on the inside. Booo. Booo, I tell you.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

i fail at press releases. i need to take a class

So I am now almost a paid blogger! Obviously not here, but life gets exciting when your friends start their own businesses. I've got no plans to head to business school, so that isn't going to happen. For now, I'll just blog. Writing finally put to work.

Snow day today - pto. I stayed home and tried to write a press release. After much ado, I gave up. I'll stick to fiction and blogging. My tendency to exaggerate is hard to turn off. Facts always get embellished. Anyway, it stopped snowing around 1:30pm and cleared up, so I went and finally bought a carry-on suitcase. It's red and I'm going to tie a ribbon on it so I can tell it apart from all the others.
tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree...
All in all, I was able to check many things off my list. Now I just need to buy those travel-size bathroom necessities. These days, I'm into watching reruns of Drake and Josh, which I used to watch reruns when I was in undergrad. They're both around my age. This was sparked by seeing Josh Peck in the Mindy Project. He's hilarious there too, by the way.

So I tried to break it off with S starting last Thursday and after fighting via text message, I'm back where I started except I've been forced to admit to myself that I do actually like him. I used to joke to myself about him wearing me down until I actually liked him, like what happens in novels. Apparently those novels are based on real life. It's still weird - I read that there are 8 elements of being attracted to someone - I can't remember where, but the last one was physical. And that's the one I have no clue about, which really worries me and was the main reason why I tried to break it off. Of course, I was depressed after I brought it up, but I expected to be. Ugh, it's a mess.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

if this state would just salt effectively

Snowy Sunday.

I finally got it sorted out with S. I think. I had to talk about feelings (ew), but via text message. It was weird, and one of the reasons why I wanted to stop. He said he was having a hard time adjusting to his new job. Blah blah excuses, excuses. In order to make him accept it, I said fine, call me when you're not figuring out what the heck you have time for and what you don't want to make a priority. Only I said it nicer. Apparently he accepted that his actions drove me away and/or stopped me from getting close at all. So he agreed, and no more contact for a while. I know it's fine because no crying. Just dissatisfaction because I'm now used to the attention (which disappoints me - didn't know I was an attention-whore). Amazing how fast I get used to something. S did text me the next day, but I didn't respond, so by now he must know I'm serious. There is a period of time, people, when you stop being potentially romantically involved with someone, but you can't just turn on the friendship button. I need no contact!

Only about 2 inches of snow fell, but now it's raining freezing ice. Dare I hope for a 1 hour delay at work? Even if there isn't one, I'll probably do it anyway. I'm not trying to have one of these crazy MD drivers hit me - they don't know to drive slower when there's ice. I can only shake my head. MD, please put sand/salt down to protect the fools you're supposed to be protecting. This state just does not salt effectively.

Meanwhile, I have been teaching myself all the words, punctuation, and line breaks in Yeats' The Second Coming, by writing the poem down over and over and grading myself to see my progress.

yellow dandelions

I need to print this out, make a big glossy high quality poster, and paste it on my wall at work, at home, add it as a seat cover in the car.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

this *** is bananas b a n a n a s

I'm embarrassed - I looked at facebook to see if JT who just text messaged me had deleted me. She either did (and unfriended all of our mutual friends), or quit facebook. Anyway, I looked at BG's friend list to see if JT was there and who should pop up on the mutual friend screen but Bud! Dun dun dun. I'm not crazy, so I'm not contacting him, but I am surprised at how that actually hurt. A dull hurt, not a sharp one. But after not experiencing any relationship hurts lately, the dull feels worse by comparison. I guess this just confirms how hard I'm trying not to care about S, who I've stopped believing in b/c he seems to be all talk and no action. Why are either of us even wasting our time by text messaging? It's probably just me. Maybe one of these impending holiday parties will give me some real prospects. Although at work there are precious few young people compared to all the married people who are 40+.
this *** is bananas b-a-n-a-n-a-s. anyone else censor themselves? thanks, radio

I finally cracked and stopped by the grocery store. Here's my random list ($49.94):
2 red bell peppers
3 bananas
3 sweet potatoes
2 pomegranates
3 cans condensed soup
1lb ground turkey
4 ground turkey patties
4 boxes Mom's Best cereal
1 quart egg nog
1 half gallon orange juice
1 dozen eggs
1lb 3oz sweet potato fries
1 loaf oatmeal bread

I always feel like I got ripped off when food shopping. Also, pomegranates are pricey. If I didn't have an intense craving for them lately, I wouldn't have bought them. I came straight home and started cooking. 1 hour and 19 minutes later, I'm stuffed (with 1 banana, 1 serving sweet potato fries, 1 talk glass of water, 1 turkey patty, 1 hard boiled egg), sitting here drinking tea. Thank you internet, for helping me master the art of boiling eggs. If I get hungry later, I need some veggies.
i made dumplings once. i NEED to do it again. okay, obviously still hungry...

Sunday, December 1, 2013

to be like family

December. Back in my apt after 4 days away. It's the same. I'm probably the same. I've been hundreds of miles away by car. I came back though. When I travel, I sometimes think about staying forever in the place I visited. I think I'd be happier there in the moment when I choose between north and south. It's lying to myself of course. I hear about people who just drove away, but those people don't want the ties. I want more ties. I want to be firmly anchored. Many other people want this more than I do. Family is our social construct which binds us; even close friends are said to be "like family."

I wished on a star on the drive back, about a half hour in. Perfect clumps of clouds obscuring the just set sun. There, dead ahead the first star, probably actually a planet. I wished on it anyway, and I wished not to be lonely. No matter how much I age, I'm always in this mood when I leave my family.
Starlight, star bright, first star...
In other news, I'm debating online dating to relieve the boredom. Is this a sign that I need to find some local single friends? I'm stuck on my name. Also, I need someone to take photos of me that aren't me posing next to Batman and Robin at Six Flags...

Sunday, November 24, 2013

grow a pear

There's a yearly 5mile run near my mom's hometown called Brian's Run. Thanksgiving weekend so I'll be in town. I figured I'd run - the titular Brian is my mom's cousin. Lately, running goes by really fast if I'm chatting with a friend. But none of my friends in PA run for fun! I can't find anyone to do it with me. AJ is a maybe and that's all I've got.
Aren't mid-run pictures awesome in their awkward?
Three more days of work left before Thanksgiving, and if today is any indication, cold days they'll be. I love to run, but I draw the line at 40 degrees. Anything less, and I don't care how bundled up I am - too much snot to cope with will drip from my nose. Have you ever carried a wad of wet tissues around in your pocket for 3 miles? It's not worth it. Still, I had a weak moment and bought a bunch of bread on Wednesday. At this rate I'm going to put on pounds before my beach vacation.
I want to eat one now.
I finished watching Heartless City, and my crush on Jung Kyung-ho is rekindled. Why are all the hot ones players? Somebody's got to be, I guess. Don't hate the player, all that... The characters dressed so well in HC. Can their wardrobe stylist style me? I spent an hour listening to the soundtrack on repeat.
A hot man who READS?! Help me. I can't deal.
Spent the weekend feeling bad - mentally, not physically. Actually it started on Thursday, peaked Friday, stayed with me Saturday, and there's no way I can sustain that level of depression, so it's pretty much gone today. Worrying did it.
I keep telling myself to grow a pair.
Will I rewatch City Hunter? I still remember overall what happens, but I've mostly forgotten the details. I'd only rewatch Lee Min-ho in that or in Faith. I know, there's no accounting for good taste.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013


Lately I feel like I can't take in enough air. Except when I'm running. This isn't a metaphor.
I have a craving for a pomegranate.
The weather channel website is dead to me b/c all of the advertisements are close-up pictures of spiders.
I keep food poisoning myself. I'm pretty sure my mom never food poisoned me, but now I'm wondering how she did that all those years.
I want a dress this color.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

live more more MORE

Does anyone else find dating embarrassing? I watch ridiculously saccharine K/TW dramas, and I'm fine with all the lovey dovey - when it's in the screen. Yes, I'm flattered when someone says it to me, but then when I have to say something back, I get embarrassed. I almost trigger the gag reflex, even though I mean what I'm typing. Yes, I'm not at the point where I can say it in person. I'm just so bad at flirting. It takes me forever to come up with the cute phrases that come naturally to others. Too sweet.

If you could: penthouse apt in the city, a suburban monstrosity with 2 acres, or a sprawling rural farm where you don't actually have to do any farming? I'd pick the rural farm, provided it's an hour away from a big city, 15 minutes from the suburbs, so I won't travel far for groceries/work/clothes.

Yesterday I met MW at an outlet mall about 20 minutes from my apt. I hadn't been there since 2007. I found skirts from Loft for $4.77. I accept the fact that I will wear skirts all winter, and now I'll move on to creating a delicious collection of sweaters to go with the skirts.

Got sucked into text messaging today. Mostly on purpose to remind myself that there are a bunch of people I have relationships with (not just replying to S's texts). It felt like the old AIM days, except everyone's slow at texting with touch screens. I want to buy some chapstick, but I don't want to quite enough to get dressed and leave the house. I need to live more outside of work, that's for sure.

Friday, November 15, 2013


It's gotta be you 
all the way
all that i ever wanted
i promise you i will be true
it's only you
I watched T.O.P's new music video and came away with an old BSB lyric in my head. Been that kind of night. Thanks, Two Weeks.

Studied up on haikus b/c my aunt posted one on the book of faces and asked me if it was any good. So I learned new words in wikipedia:

metonym(n)-a figure of speech in which a thing or concept is called not by its own name, but rather by the name of something associated in meaning w/ that thing or concept; for example, Wall Street implies corporate America, the pen implies the written word, Hollywood implies the film industry

caesura(n)-a complete pause in a line or poetry or in a musical composition <---I actually used to know this one, but it's been 4 years since I took Advanced Poetry in school, so I forgot

kigo(n)-a defined word or phrase that symbolizes or implies the season of the poem, often in the form of a metonym; for example, cherry blossom implies spring, pumpkin implies autumn <---apparently Japanese haiku writers referenced books of kigo phrases, and here I thought they came up with them on their own

kireji(n)-cutting word typically found at the end of a line or verse. It may cut the stream of thought, suggesting a parallel between the preceding and following phrases, OR provide a dignified ending, concluding the verse with a heightened sense of closure; for example, -, ...

After all that, of course I had to take a crack at haikus, which I have never written successfully. I think I concentrate on the 5-7-5 too much and forget to put any substance into the poem at all.

The sharp scent of grass
expands lungs drowning inside.
I need to get out.

Aka, I drove home with the window open just so I could breathe in the fresh air. Inside air is so stifling, and my knee acted up this week, so I didn't run, therefore didn't get outside.

My director was funny - he popped into the office to announce an alpaca festival at the county fair this weekend and said he loves alpacas and can't wait to pet them. He's usually so serious and concerned that I have no clue what he likes. No doubt he's hilarious when he gets home to his family.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

go through a dozen eggs

Just finished the last episode of Just You. It was serious fluff. I had to wait until the last 2 minutes to watch the only scene I cared about. TW dramas... literally every single person in the office wound up with their true love in the end, except the coolest guy, who accepted that he didn't get the girl and went back to his playa player ways. Oh if the female lead had any sense, she would have taken that one. But the heart wants what the heart wants. I guess. And the heart doesn't want Dean Fujioka because???? All I'm saying is that he will probably always be hotter than Aaron Yan. Aaron is mostly just pretty adorable. Let's face it, the whole cast was adorable and it didn't help that their wardrobe consisted almost entirely of pastels. I need to stop wearing black.
okay, Aaron looks too smug for his own good
How's my life going? Regular knee problems. Traffic jams. Stupid boys. I don't know. I don't know. I need to read my apartment lease again and see when I'm supposed to start haggling to keep the rent the same rate. If it's 90 days, then wow, that's the end of this month that I need to head on over. So many bills. Whyyy.

Went on and almost decided to sign up with a company that sells you food every week that's fresh and from local farms. If I was a bit richer, I would. Also, there's no way I eat a dozen eggs by myself every week. It takes me two weeks to go through a dozen eggs. Man, I really need to get the oven sitch sorted out.

Found the ring in my diamond candle. It's $10& too big!!!!!

Monday, November 11, 2013

push over | over sight?

Veteran's Day. I woke up in PA in my parents' house, in the room I used to sleep in when I was in high school, and where I haven't slept since I graduated from undergrad. My parents are not the kind to leave a room sitting there, my youngest sister uses it now. It was much neater when I was there. I don't know - I just like having space to move around in.

I remembered to bring the diamond candle home. Frustratingly enough, it's taking forever to burn down to the ring. I don't think it's going to happen tonight. Tomorrow then. I just want it to be pretty.

I realized that I already have an emotional attachment to S, as in to the personality that comes through via text every day, which is just a shadow of the real person. Hence the reason why I feel it's misleading.

Rewatching "27 Dresses," mostly because my sisters are convinced that I am like the movie's main character. If it meant I was tall and superficially pretty like Katherine Heigel, I wouldn't be insulted, but they mean as in the personality of the main character, so I'm insulted-don't like to think of myself as a pushover. Next time they bring it up, I should ask them which one of them is the lying annoying younger sister. Ah well, maybe it just means I'm bound to fall in love with a man as gorgeous as James Marsden one day. Mah hah!
james marsden

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

500 dollar chips

Yet again the 401(k) has defeated me! I hate it so much. I made it a little farther than before, but what the heck am I supposed to invest in? All the choices mean nothing to me. Ahhhh. I'm going to have to get serious financial planning assistance.

On the S front, I guess it's going well. Just slowly, which I need it to go.

Help me.

Don't condemn me to the cotton fields of $500 chips!!! -Rush Hour

Saturday, November 2, 2013

i wore my mint green pants again

Beautiful day. I went walking around in the woods with S. It didn't decide much. Why are guys always in such a rush? I just can't tell. I can't tell at all.
Time to wipe the make up off my eyes.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Happy Birthday Month

Farewell to the greatest month of the year - October! I love you birthday month.

Here's to hoping I'll be in an excellent place this time next year, just like this time around :-).

why are you dressed so scary?

I had a grand total of 4 trick-or-treaters. Wow. And here I went and bought 2 bags of candy. I should have given those last two boys all I had left - but how was I supposed to know they were the last ones?

2 brothers came up to the door first. 7 or 8. I said they could take what they wanted. The skinny one on the left grabbed three handfuls. His brother didn't even try to stop him - just smiled and said he was a candy addict. Yeah, he was greedy. Then their mom came along and the greedy boy ran away. I let the normal kid grab his handful. Like 30 seconds after them, the second pair of boys came and I thought more kids might be coming, so I gave them handfuls. At that point, I had half the candy left. Then no more kids came. Halloween fail.

Another Halloween fail.
Also, I didn't go to LN's wedding because of the plans with S. Hoping I made the right choice. Friends are so much easier than dating.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

smells like flavor

Had fun at my first official bachelorette party! (And how dare Google think that bachelorette isn't a word) There were party favors, so I currently have more penis shaped things in my apartment than I did before. (Yes even a straw) I met a 7 people all in one night - crazy fast. I swear I don't make much of an impression at these things, but I enjoy getting out there, and LN laughed when she opened her presents - candy underwear - so what more can I ask for? I thought I'd have to go to a sex shop, but they had all the stuff I needed right at Spencer's, which I found out after I googled where to buy candy underwear.

Went to the Melting Pot for the first time. Smells like flavor from the moment you walk in. The food was good, but wow my stuff still smells like it. And even my hair. I have natural black hair, so hoping it'll hair out because I just did my hair! (I'd whine if I said that out loud)

S asked me if we could ever be official. I had to slow his roll. (Was that cruel?) We had one in person conversation since we started talking in ... when was that? Late July. Where's the fire, son? Debating whether it's pessimistic to tag all the relationship posts with "breaking up is hard to do." I mean, it's true.

Woke up at 6am and have been awake ever since. Why???

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

baaaby bottle pop! baby bottle pop!

I've had one of those days where I had no time to myself until 9:30pm. And I get ready for bed at 10 people. Well, I guess the time spent commuting will have to count as me-time. I feel very accomplished.

Talked with my friend over the phone, she's a new mother. Wow, the patience that takes. I'm impressed every day.

Played volleyball for a little, just enough to know my serve is still there. My hand hurts. Who knew, but volleyballs are softer in warm weather. Can we get a repeat of the first days of October when it was 80 outside?

the baby bottle pop commercial song is stuck in my head

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

pretty enough to get by

Real quick, I finally went on a run again. A really slow one at work with LN, but a good one b/c I don't think my body is capable of being treated any better than gingerly right now. 28=not growing anymore, just maintaining. I've got all those great post-run feels. Endorphins, making me all happy and such.

Shout out to one of my favorite fashion blogs, Karla is just so elegant. There is such a thing as poise, and she's got it. Try as I might, I come off as more cutesy than sexy. The answer must be more makeup!
makes you pretty enough to get by...

Also, what have I done with S? I said I like you, as in I like you as a person. He knows that's what I mean right? Right? I also meant more I think I like you, but I can't really tell because I haven't had many conversations with you. At least it got him to stop beating around the bush and just call it a date? Everyone knows what the term "hang out" means, people.

What should I get L for her bachelorette party? Hmmm.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

tea eggs, second lead love

I tried to make these:
Chinese tea eggs
In dramas, characters are forever eating them and loving them. I first saw them in a TW drama where the main lead's grandfather owned a convenience store. They pop up in Kdramas whenever the characters go to the sauna. My tea eggs look like that, but I tried one and it didn't taste like much. So I added more anise, soy sauce, brown sugar, and salt - going to soak them overnight, like MW said. We'll see.

SC said something about caring about me. I was still thrown off by when we met at that bar and I swore he said his boyfriend teaches Latin. Let me tell you, that threw me for a loop. I should have said "I'm sorry what?" Instead I was so shocked that I let him keep talking, and now I'm going to have to get that clarified in a subtle way. Why did that place have to be so noisy?

Started watching the Kdrama "Two Weeks," mostly because I haven't heard anything bad about it and after all these years of watching dramas Lee Jun-ki is the first of only three actors that was interesting enough for me to develop second lead love. The second was Song Jong-ho in The Princess' Man, and my case was much more severe with him. The crazier he got, the more I loved him. The third was Namgoong Min in Can You Hear My Heart, whose character was also crazy and which also made me love him more. He just loved his mom, okay?!

Friday, October 18, 2013

drank up all the water, ate up all the soap...

I got a giant bouquet of flowers and a belated birthday card at work. They're beautiful. There's no way for me to really transport the flowers home, so I just brought back the 3 wilting ones. I hope the lilies will bloom over the weekend. Nothing like the smell of flowers perfuming your work desk.

My right arm hurt again. Not as bad, but it started as I was leaving the house and didn't go away for about 5 hours. Physical time. I can't count how many times I said ow today.

Tired, so I'm just going to curl up in bed with a book and then fall asleep. It's no easy feat going back to work after two weeks off.

i drank all the milk in the house

Thursday, October 17, 2013

be calm like the ocean

My first full day of being 28, I went back to work for a half day. Yay! It was nice to feel purposeful again. Signed up for the 2mile fun run in 2 weeks. Saw a bunch of people. We were all relaxed from our mandatory vacation, so you know, it was kind of nice.  8 hours tomorrow - I can do it, especially since it's casual Friday.

Had Olive Garden with AC, who always calls me on my bs. She said I need to figure out what I want. First step - how much do people who have PhDs earn? Is it my dream job to have a PhD and do research, or do I want to wander around in the woods with  a purpose? Concerning S, I also need to figure out what I want. If I cared about him, then the distance wouldn't matter. It's true; half the time I think I'm open to a relationship, and the other half I just want to be alone. This is likely because it takes me a long time to get over relationships and I don't want to go through getting over another one.
be calm like the ocean

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

it's my new year's eve, people. reflect. resolve.

It's my new year's eve. Time to reflect on everything that's happened this past year and make some resolutions.

Reflection: Since this day last year, I've gotten my first full-time job and moved out of my parents' house. I've gotten over Bud and now enjoy being by myself, although who knew the S thing would develop into something with emotional dependence (or is it just my pride?). I joined a running group. I kept old friends and made new acquaintances. I applied to PhD programs and got into 2 with full funding. I stayed a size 6 pant and M/L top (thank you large chest). I took a chance on a stranger, even if it failed. I have a good relationship with my parents and my sisters, although I wish I was closer to my brother. I spontaneously visited Ebonye and Andre in San Francisco. I found the perfect white t-shirt, which turned out to be a men's Hanes v-neck tee size S.

In this moment of my life, I'm watching these dramas: Just You (2013 TW), Heartless City (2013 K), Padam Padam (2011 K), and Tatta Hitotsu no Koi (2006 J). Just You is fun fluff addiction and I completely didn't expect to love it, but love it I do, along with the main leads: Aaron Yan, Puff Guo, and Dean Fujioka. Heartless City will end in tears, but along the way I'll ogle Baksa Adeul. The other two dramas, I may actually never finish because they've entered the sad arc.  I have all this time to watch dramas, thanks to the gov't shutdown, although I've been able to telework.

Resolutions: Cherish my family. Make a PhD decision - is it time to stop my formal education here? Don't get too comfortable where I am, both physically and mentally. Keep in touch with the friends who matter, let the others go. Stay active and never forget that I like to run, both alone and with other people. Learn Korean with those workbooks. Keep reading. Start writing again. Stop trying to remain always in control of my emotions. Enjoy fall instead of thinking about impending winter.

Happy New Year's!

just hold on

I don't know why, but I love this song. Haven't loved a Drake song in a really long time.
I've never seen the music video, but here it is! Should I buy his cd based off of my love for only this song? I have his Take Care cd and I'm not a huge fan, but I barely ever listened to it. Still, I find myself paying attention to him because he looks sad too often.

What is that desire to change someone? Wow, they won't change. I need to remember that. Hardcore I need to remember that.

Monday, October 14, 2013

lantern lantern on the bough

I'm ambivalent. I met S in person in West Chester last night. Not for that long, and just at the bar in Iron Hill. Probably the 4th time I've been to Iron Hill, though I've been driving by that restaurant since I was in high school. Anyway, the football game was on, so it was a little weird, but I don't know, not as bad as it could have gone. He's taller than I remember, which is good for my height obsession. He didn't walk me to my car afterwards, which always bugs me, but he did text me afterwards to ask if I got home alright. I think in general, it's a little weird meeting up with old classmates because they tend to talk about how things were in school, when I want to talk about now. But S wasn't nearly as bad as when I met up with SH back in April-ish, ugh, all he talked about was what happened in undergrad, most of which I don't even remember anymore. When I catch up with someone, I want to talk about what's happened since I last saw you - not what I already know. Anyway, I still doubt much is going to happen since S lives so far away and is going to work in NJ, but I guess I won't count it out.

Saturday was my joint b-day party and it was extra special because not only was my C-ville family there,  but so were P (family friend at this point), and K and D.  Aunt S made her special pancakes, which were gone the next day. And the men had fun drinking on the porch. My sister MB made us both glass pumpkins with our first names on them. We watched Marvel comic movies. And played Dance Central. I am really bad at Dance Central and I had no shorts except ones that Mom gave me, which were XXL Ralph Lauren swishy shorts - possibly the most unflattering shorts I have ever worn. Then Sunday MW and I went clothes shopping with our birthday money at Kohls, where I bought 4 Lauren Conrad pieces and one chambray shirt that I already have but in a different wash - all for $37.

If I could only wear one designer for the rest of my life, it would be Lauren Conrad.

Friday, October 11, 2013

i would have gone back tonight

The day came to set up my online bill pay for the end of the month... painful. Thank you shutdown, for leaving me with $700 in my checking account. I need to go back to work! But A, you did start teleworking. Yeah, but this next paycheck is going to be sooo tiny. Ugh.

Anyway, tomorrow is my joint birthday party with my sister. I would have gone back tonight, but it's been pouring rain for the past 2 days, and I prefer a daylight setting to go with my hydroplaning. Plus, the bed in my apt is really nice.

You know, makeup is a real miracle.
I just want to meet S, so that I can know if we could ever be friends. I don't like just texting, you stupid head. Sigh!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

trees in the rain

I got permission to telework, so I put in 8 hours! So relieved. And also, I forgot what 8 hours was like. At first it's interminable, but by the time you only have an hour and a half left, you're all - what, only an hour and a half? I do so enjoy being able to pay my bills, and the commute is to die for. Today is the first time I used my guest room/office as an office. Joy! Since the files I worked on are number heavy, I was able to listen to about 6 CDs today. I never have been able to listen to music while doing anything that involves words - the lyrics get in the way.

It poured all day, reminding me how much I love trees in the rain, and the slight tilt towards fall colors makes the trees outside my window beautiful.

I briefly went outside to take the trash out and move my car from beneath the trees. There was a dead kitten in the parking lot, right by my rear tire. So sad. When I looked out the window later, it was gone. What is going on in that parking lot?

I cooked! My cooking style is to take a bunch of ingredients that are good for you and cook them in a big pot. Then I eat the concoction over rice. Today, that meant I added:

  • smart Balance vegetable oil
  • 1/2 lb ground turkey
  • 1 green pepper (L's garden)
  • 1 chili pepper (L's garden)
  • 2 tomatoes (L's garden)
  • 1 yam
  • 4 small potatoes
  • low sodium black beans
  • 4 basil leaves
  • 1 tsp salt
  • Thai curry powder
  • Jamaican style curry powder
  • brown sugar
So full! Yum.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

i know a bunch of property virgins

I've actually been active. Mini bonfire times last night in L's backyard. She's the only one of my friends to own property and she gets so much respect for that. I think my age group had a tough time starting out in terms of the job situation, thanks to the recession. It put us behind a little.
smores were also involved
This morning L came to my apt complex and we went for a run. I felt the need to explain all the empty bottles of alcohol littering my apt floor - I usually recycle them at work, but with no access to work, well it looks like I'm a raging alkie. Yes, I did drink that entire bottle of sangria by myself, but I had help for all the others! Anyway, as we were cooling down we saw a black SUV with all 4 of its tires slashed, parked maybe 5 cars over from mine. Do people really get so mad at someone else that they slash ALL the tires? Apparently the answer is yes.

I'm glad the run went well. I was scared that I can't run anymore, but if I just do it once or twice a week, I can still sustain my running addiction.

Drama update: watching Padam Padam, which is so far a show where the main couple dates and Kim Bum wanders around looking too skinny and too pretty. There's a villain who I don't take seriously; he kind of looks like Daniel Choi, only not as attractive. During all of his scenes I think about how the show would have been so much better if he was Daniel Choi.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

evaluation is inevitable

Had a birthday dinner with AC last night -  we met halfway at a Thai place that was super quiet, but I guess it was Monday night. Good food, good times, and a cute waiter, which is pretty much all I ask from restaurants these days.

Today is my middle sister's 24th birthday. I'll have to call her after she gets home from work. I meant to text her during her birthday minute, but yeah it's now an hour and 20 minutes past that, hoping I remember tonight.

Trying my hardest not to regress into college student sleeping hours. Today I woke up on my own at 7:11am, so that's not bad. As long as I don't get used to waking up at 10am. Tomorrow is the last day I'll be paid before we go back to work. Seems like it's going to be dragged out until Oct 17th, so a serious bank account evaluation is inevitable, plus it's the time of the month where I set up the online bill pay. I live in fear of forgetting to pay the rent one day. It's crisp outside. I love summer, but I can't deny the joy of fall boot season, which bleeds into winter boot season and spring boot season. Soon, I'll have to say bye to the Nine West flats I've worn all summer in favor of shoes that require socks.

Ew, socks. My feet cry for freedom!

Sunday, October 6, 2013

excuse me you're a hell of a guy -nm

I got to my parents' at about 2pm on Friday, and practically parked myself on their leather couch in front of their giant tv for the whole weekend. One of the highlights was a Tom Cruise movie called Oblivion, which came out early this summer and was entertaining. At least it took my mind away from the news. Good to spend time with my parents' again, and I talked to each of my sisters for a little, although they each weren't there. Back at my apt now, and in sore need of a shower. I love the hot weather so much that I refuse to put on air conditioning, then I sweat. I'd rather be hot than cold.

Verdict's out on whether it's back to work tomorrow or not, but I'll wake up at 6:15 and call the hotline.

Also, S cannot take a hint. I didn't really expect much, the trouble is he keeps slightly going above my expectations and then going lower and then meeting them and still contacting me...

Friday, October 4, 2013

too much coconut (day 4)

Heading up to my parents' - this whole week has felt like a bad weekend (except Annapolis), and now that the actual weekend is here, I need a change of scenery. 2 hours and I'll be watching tv on the big screen, bothered by Darcy, and most importantly somewhere else.
not Darcy, but puppies are so cute
Tried this coconut deep conditioner. I don't like it when my hair smells like coconut. Plus the conditioner was halfway to stripping my hair. Not a huge fan. I'll go back to the other one.  Checking for toll money, and hitting the road!

Thursday, October 3, 2013

star of anise (day 2, day 3)

Day 2 I got on the road at 9:55am and drove the half an hour to M's house. Her mom served us fruit, nuts, yogurt, and tea. Delicious. Then we headed to Annapolis - the historic part, which reminded me a little of a more well kept West Chester, PA. Did a lot of walking, church-seeing, and finished it up with crab cake wraps and a little consignment shopping. I made it back home before rush hour traffic started and promptly fell asleep for two hours. The high was 87 - felt like summer! Thank you, October.
Annapolis: where George Washington gave his resignation speech.
Day 3 - aka today - I woke at 6:15, realized it was day 3, and went back to sleep. Didn't even get out of bed until 11. Without a schedule, I regress to college kid sleeping hours. I got out of the house for some unsuccessful grocery shopping (I left the list on the table and walked right out the door). I remembered 11 out of 18 things...  And where the heck do you buy star of anise?  I want to make Chinese tea eggs.

star of anise

During our skype conversation last weekend, M told me and AK how she makes tea eggs. I've watched people eat them in TW and K dramas for years, and all this time it never occurred to me that I could make them myself. And I currently have the time to experiment in the kitchen...

I'm contemplating heading up to PA if tomorrow turns out to be Day 4. Yeah, I'm heading up in a week anyway, but if I don't go somewhere, I'll go stir crazy. I need to dedicate myself to writing something today instead of laying around trying not to obsess over the news. That or try to make friends with my new neighbors who seem young - I think there's a girl.