Sunday, April 19, 2015

waiting for time

Maybe it's catching up to me - feeling sad about JW I mean. Still not crying, but still not happy. Was looking at a map and I pulled it south until I got to the town where he used to live. Get it together, girl! Lack of appetite is still here. Isn't there a taste I enjoy? But food has never made me happy in the way that it does for some people. Probably a blessing. My emotional turmoil coping strategy is not to think about it (very healthy I know) by involving myself in another world, so I've always read and read and read. Waiting for time to make the sting go away.

Today I started Angry Mom, starring Kim Hee-sun. I've meant to watch it for a while, just didn't get around to it until today.  Other things I did: washed/changed the sheets, made another smoothie with that fantastic blender, and bought a smartip card so that I never have to stand in line for a ticket again. That was ridiculous yesterday. And since it's looking like I'll live around here at least another year, so I might as well cave and buy one. Even though I go to DC rarely, it saves money.

Reading How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents (1991) by Julia Alvarez, which I picked up in the thrift store a couple weeks ago. It's better than I thought. I don't know what I thought it was going to be - all about feelings I guess. I don't like the cover of this particular edition, so I only picked up the book because I'd heard of it. The publishing company is how I pick thrift store books. Is that good or bad? Anyway, google it.

The manicure hasn't really chipped much yet, so I'm going to try not to mess with it. Let's see how long it lasts. I'm not really seeing why I should pay for a manicure yet, when I could have done this myself. The hand massage part was kind of nice though. And the hot wax part was unexpected. The smell though - my lungs must have been dying, the chemical fumes popping off my brain cells like a 1920s LAPD hit squad. Okay, the Changeling movie stayed with me longer than I thought.

Watch this and you'll laugh:

Saturday, April 18, 2015

celebrity stalker

I spent today in DC with my cousin. Milestones:
Got my first manicure in Chinatown. An orangey/tan pastel color.
Celebrity spotting at an Earth Day concert - Usher, Don Chedle, Gwen Stefani, Frieda Pinto, Ban Ki Moon. Others I don't remember. I even saw a woman high up in CJ Entertainment, which I only know from watching South Korean movies.
Wore a size 8 dress all day with no trouble. I need to eat a lot of veggies if I want to stay this size - lunch and dinner had barely any.
Gwen Stefani was flawless and she rocked the ponytail
In breakup news, I knew the moment that JW told me he was moving to TX that it meant we were over. The ending process took a while to finish, but it did on Wednesday. JW started to do the cop-out move of pulling away, using moving as an excuse. I hate that the most! ... The most! ... Judge if you will, but I knew what the situation was and I started crying. I knew I could never actually say it over the phone, so this next story takes place over text. I'm not proud, but it's better than going ghost: I asked him point-blank if he thought long-distance was an option. It wasn't. I was sad/relieved. He said "we can still talk," but I need to fully get over him, so I need to not talk to him for a few months. I told him so and he said something brief that made it sound like he didn't care and so I felt insulted.

And it was over. I would have cried for the rest of the night, so I distracted myself with my free HBO and watched Changeling(2008). I may have teared up the next day, but I didn't cry again. And now days later, I'm still bummed. When I'm alone, I'm sad, but when I'm with another person or at work I'm fine. I wish that it worked out with JW, but I saw it coming for so long that I already did the majority of the mourning. I've been mourning for a month and trying to be cheerful about it when I saw him.

After my time comes, I'll start looking for someone else. Hoping that 3rd internet match is the charm. When I think about looking, half the time I'm excited and the other half I feel tired. So tired that I don't want to try, but I'll never get what I want if I don't try.
in my case, the "expense" is trauma from dating angst
On the metro train going back to Greenbelt, I saw a tired couple who'd spent the day in the sun. The woman was trying to sleep with her head against the window, but the man was holding her hand and snuggling against her arm. They were so cute.

The Kdramas that I'm watching make a short list: still Grapevine (which is losing a bit of steam) and then a new one called Girl Who Sees Smells, which is hilarious, even if it stars the guy from DBSK who I used to call "Weird Hair Guy." You guessed it - Micky. I've watched him in a couple other dramas (SKKS and Rooftop Prince) and always liked him, but he's not an actor I love.

The weather is warmish outside, so I think I can really believe that winter is over. Hooray!

Thursday, April 2, 2015

dismay

Well I lowered my cable/internet bill. Probably not as low as I could have, but I was starting to dread life with absolutely no TV. Instead, I'll just have life with more limited TV.  I broke down and called them. Why can't I have just the internet and nothing else? It won't even let you do that on the website. Under-boob sweat by the end of the call from the stress, although the woman on the phone was perfectly pleasant enough. Anyway $25 a month saved for the first year. $15 for the second, for a total savings of $480 if I did the math right. Not much, but every bit helps since my biggest bills are rent and student loans.  The next time around, maybe I'll be able to get rid of the TV altogether. I'm tempted to get Netflix or DramaFever, but then what's the point of saving the money if I don't spend it on loans? The financial magazines say now it the time to live more frugally. Maybe I should put the money into my 401(k) instead? You know what I should do - I should call Verizon back and get just the internet. That's what I should do. Wait... they're closed now. Okay, tomorrow then!

Other than that, the weeks are passing by. On April Fool's Day, I went to the regular dentist for a check-up and they gave me a special toothbrush that gets into the holes where my wisdom teeth used to be. I think it will help the bottom heal. The top is fine. They showed me using a couple mirrors - it really is just 2 holes leading directly to my brain. My dad was so funny when I first came back here after getting my teeth out - he basically warned me not to kiss anyone because their germs would go directly to my brain and I'd get brain fever.

Dismay - courtesy of the Kdrama Endless Love
I totally see breaking up in my future. With the cop I've been dating I mean. The second he goes away it's radio silence. It's not going to work. I just wish it was. So basically, I know I'm going to wind up crying over continuing to see him for another week before he leaves, but I'm going to do it anyway and trust that I'll get over it. With the dating luck I've head, I can't help believing that whatever guy I meet is going to leave me anyway, so at least this one is up front about it. I would never tell a friend that every man will leave her in the end no matter what she does... Well they do say we're cruelest to ourselves. So I don't tell myself this, but I believe it (except for my father. My grandfather said no man would love me as much as my father does in my whole life, and I believe it). The only reason why I didn't cut ties with the cop is that he didn't leave when I tried to push him away when I first found out he was moving. Of course, him not leaving was probably more due to a combination of sheer stubbornness/lust, but I like to think it was because of something in me. There I go, trying to flatter myself and not really believing it. God, I see I'm not going to believe it - maybe if he told me that? Which I'm afraid to want to happen, because when you want something real bad, that's when you don't get it.

Anyway, Usher's song is appropriate. "Why you just leeeave me?" My middle sister used to sing this to me when I walked out of the room.


Plagued by allergies since around 5pm on Tuesday (watery eyes, itchy throat, runny nose, fatigue... no, I'm not crying my eyes are leaking). Bought 3 different kinds of cough drops for my sore throat this morning. One was so nasty I had to spit it out; it was the worst. One was like candy. One was okay. Also bought a store brand of Allegra that didn't seem to do much. On the other hand, I don't want to know what I'd be like if I hadn't taken it. I want this combination of medicines to allow me to sleep through the night tonight.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Sunday night, perfectly content for once

Months later and I'm still listening to Sam Smith's cd. So sad that I didn't figure out he was coming to Merriweather in July until I heard it on the radio - of course by then it's too late. The only way I'm getting to go is if I win some tickets. Oh Sam. I follow him on Instagram.

Good news on the music front is that my all time favorite James Morrison is slowly stirring. He's featured on someone else's single. I'll take what I can I get. If James has an Instagram, I don't know about it. I think he's too cool for Instagram.

My favorite celebrity on Instagram is Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. The man is downright charming.

JW totally grew on me. He dropped by last night, was feeling sick though. Going to be sad when he leaves, but I'll take what I can get before then. Today I spent Sunday perfectly happy. Read a book. Watched an episode of Heard It Through the Grapevine. Started another book. Hula hooped. Texted friends/family that I love and that love me. Found out that MB had her third child and it's their first boy! I think 3 is the perfect number. I wonder if he'll have dual Korean/US citizenship. He's such a cutie. MB is awesome. That little boy is lucky in the parents God gave him.

Give me the guts to cancel my Verizon cable/phone subscription. I need to give it up. Books hold my interest more than TV, but they're not as warm sometimes. I like seeing people walking/moving/dancing/being foolish. You know, all the things I do. When you read, all those things happen as well (if it's a good book), but you imagine them, so they come from yourself to some extent. Is that healthier?

Last weekend, my mom told me on the phone that I was an average student until I started reading in 3rd grade. My teacher at Eisenhower Elementary noticed me and set me on an advanced track. Her name was Mrs. Calhoun. I owe a lot to her then, which I definitely didn't realize until Mom told me. I hope she's doing alright, enjoying retirement from teaching.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Bye Bye Bye

I don't feel any different.

I think it's important to give myself time to think when I've made a big decision. How do I feel? Is there a problem? How much is dictated by society? For instance, I have 2 dresses I bought from H&M a few years ago when I first started this blog, so when I was in the throes of post-break up angst. I was so motivated to work out then. Anyway, when I pulled out the dress today I said, I'll look better in this if I lose more weight. I weigh about 135lb. I'm only 5'4", but I'm built muscular, so this isn't overweight. My problem spot is my stomach area because I'm built straight up and down, no hourglass. Even if I weight 125lb, I'd still not look good in that skin tight dress because I don't have waist definition. Anyway, society tells me that I look good when I have no visible chub and an hourglass figure. I'm  programmed to think that. I like my body. Me and my body are good now, well except for this tendency to break out over the past 2 weeks. Did spring allergies get replaced by pimples? Why do they have to be on my face?  Anyway, I like my body and I don't feel bad that I'm not an hourglass figure, and I'm sure if I was, I wouldn't be satisfied by the terms of society either. I mean, US society is traditionally satisfied by an airbrushed woman, hence all the empowerment campaigns.

I'm thinking that other people are more attached to their parents. I love my parents. We talk on the phone every week or so. We're thrilled when we see each other. But other people are so much more entwined with their parents. Are mine unusual?

When I was in lala-land right after the wisdom teeth removal, my younger cousins came over to see me and the 16yr-old said she used to think about what would happen if her parents died and she had to come live with us. She said she didn't want to because she was scared of spiders. Yeah, there are spiders in the downstairs of my parents' house. I thought it was funny because when I was younger, I always wondered what would happen if my parents died and I had to go live with her parents. Haha. Ah youth.

I heard on the Kane Show that today is the 15th anniversary of N'Sync's No Strings Attached album. It's their second album that had such hits as Bye Bye Bye, It's Gonna Be Me, and This I Promise You. Wow, Justin Timberlake has come far. Also, I was a kid, but I remember something that happened 15 years ago!  Today when Bye Bye Bye came on in the car, I was dancing the music video dance while driving to work. 9am isn't too early to party. Yay middle school.
Had a brioche at IHop today. Getting in those veggies and protein.