Wednesday, July 1, 2015

relief

I missed all of June. Wow. If this blog relies on my mental state - as in I only write when I'm feeling lonely or angsting over some guy - then I guess that means I've been content. But, I've always liked to write, so I think it's just that my laptop is still slowly dying so the tablet has taken over. And it's not the kind of tablet you type on. Just a tiny touchscreen.

Since I mentioned angsting over some guy, I'm still with the 3rd guy I met online and I like him more every day. I feel lucky that I met him. Fingers crossed. I think the last time I felt as comfortable was with the BUD who was the reason for me starting this blog, but I never felt as comfortable with Bud. The ex-girlfriend thing was always immediately hanging over me. I don't feel like something is hanging over me with this new guy. And we both like walking around in the woods. It's a relief.

In work news, it's that time of my two-year plan: time to apply to become a civil servant. I've put in 4 job applications. My goal is 10.  I would like to stay where I am now because I think it's an interesting place to work. You get to go to talks all the time and learn about your co-workers' research. But to have lots of leave and good insurance and all, you need to be a civil servant.

Alright, I have to book it up to PA because I'm buying new tires for the car tomorrow morning, and a front-end alignment.  Already feeling a bit tired and haven't started packing yet. Sigh - at least I did laundry last night.

Peace

Saturday, May 30, 2015

end of May - I need a vacation

My laptop is dying, so this blog has suffered. By "dying," I mean that it shuts down if on for too long. I think a little over an hour is too long. Hope that time doesn't shorten warm weather because today's high was 87!

I'm in good spirits these days. It took about 2 weeks for me to be completely over J...something leaving. See? I can't even remember his last name. And then after about a week on okcupid, a new guy sent me a message and we hit it off. First just with messages a couple times a day, then we talked over the phone and texting. And as of today we met 4 times in person. I really think he's funny and nice. At first he wasn't as fun in person - shy? But I think he's loosening up. We didn't even kiss until the third date - I think he was nervous during the whole time leading up to it. I like him. He grows on me each time that I meet him. I never thought I'd send cute stupid text messages to a guy, but I even mean them! I'm surprised. 3rd time on okcupid was the charm.  There are difference between us and we live 38 minutes apart according to GoogleMaps, but I hope it will work out. Too soon to tell really, but this is the first time I've wanted it to work out this much in a while. Second Ryan was wrong because I always felt like I had to live up to his standard, whatever that was. J...something was too different and moved to the same place TB went anyway. TB is original breakup dude.

In other news, the thrift store closest to me sells all their books for 25 cents each. I discovered that when I went with my cousin B. Also with her I discovered that there's Starbucks coffee in my apartment gym. Whaaa? I'm paying for that? My youngest sister graduated from undergrad. I got the carpets shampooed because there was a funny smell. I am on a quest to get quotes for all weather radial tires and a front end alignment. My dad's passion for fixing old cars is cooling. When I went to get a physical, they weighed me and I was 137lbs with all my clothes on (jeans, t-shirt, cardigan, sneakers). I'm trying to walk every day, so hoping this means I'll be firmly 134lbs with clothes on by the end of the summer. I don't eat much. Weight - leave me! I have free HBO again until the end of June. It kind of saved me in the transition from regular cable to only local channels. And I haven't written for E's blog in months #guilt #horribleslackerfriend

I need to plan a vacation! SH offered to plan one with his girlfriend TT and my guy, but not sure if she'd be into that. We haven't quite figured each other out, me and her. It's weird because on a surface level I get along right away with most people. Except her friend at SH's bbq, maybe they spoke about it? Anyway, I have never wanted to date SH and he has never wanted to date me. He's my one brother who's not my biological brother. It's been like that from day one. I just want to be TT's friend too!!! Okay, I'm being ridiculous. The more you want it, the more it won't happen, A.

Speaking of friends, my sisters are both awesome. MW and AC are busy with work, but still awesome. LB is jet-setting off to Texas with her hubby and little W; they're such a great family. CS and I, will we have our summer vacation again? Last year was Ocean City, MD in August (Seacrets!). MM is cute and wonderful as always. That girl. I wish we lived near each other. We'd do such great things together.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

waiting for time

Maybe it's catching up to me - feeling sad about JW I mean. Still not crying, but still not happy. Was looking at a map and I pulled it south until I got to the town where he used to live. Get it together, girl! Lack of appetite is still here. Isn't there a taste I enjoy? But food has never made me happy in the way that it does for some people. Probably a blessing. My emotional turmoil coping strategy is not to think about it (very healthy I know) by involving myself in another world, so I've always read and read and read. Waiting for time to make the sting go away.

Today I started Angry Mom, starring Kim Hee-sun. I've meant to watch it for a while, just didn't get around to it until today.  Other things I did: washed/changed the sheets, made another smoothie with that fantastic blender, and bought a smartip card so that I never have to stand in line for a ticket again. That was ridiculous yesterday. And since it's looking like I'll live around here at least another year, so I might as well cave and buy one. Even though I go to DC rarely, it saves money.

Reading How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents (1991) by Julia Alvarez, which I picked up in the thrift store a couple weeks ago. It's better than I thought. I don't know what I thought it was going to be - all about feelings I guess. I don't like the cover of this particular edition, so I only picked up the book because I'd heard of it. The publishing company is how I pick thrift store books. Is that good or bad? Anyway, google it.

The manicure hasn't really chipped much yet, so I'm going to try not to mess with it. Let's see how long it lasts. I'm not really seeing why I should pay for a manicure yet, when I could have done this myself. The hand massage part was kind of nice though. And the hot wax part was unexpected. The smell though - my lungs must have been dying, the chemical fumes popping off my brain cells like a 1920s LAPD hit squad. Okay, the Changeling movie stayed with me longer than I thought.

Watch this and you'll laugh:

Saturday, April 18, 2015

celebrity stalker

I spent today in DC with my cousin. Milestones:
Got my first manicure in Chinatown. An orangey/tan pastel color.
Celebrity spotting at an Earth Day concert - Usher, Don Chedle, Gwen Stefani, Frieda Pinto, Ban Ki Moon. Others I don't remember. I even saw a woman high up in CJ Entertainment, which I only know from watching South Korean movies.
Wore a size 8 dress all day with no trouble. I need to eat a lot of veggies if I want to stay this size - lunch and dinner had barely any.
Gwen Stefani was flawless and she rocked the ponytail
In breakup news, I knew the moment that JW told me he was moving to TX that it meant we were over. The ending process took a while to finish, but it did on Wednesday. JW started to do the cop-out move of pulling away, using moving as an excuse. I hate that the most! ... The most! ... Judge if you will, but I knew what the situation was and I started crying. I knew I could never actually say it over the phone, so this next story takes place over text. I'm not proud, but it's better than going ghost: I asked him point-blank if he thought long-distance was an option. It wasn't. I was sad/relieved. He said "we can still talk," but I need to fully get over him, so I need to not talk to him for a few months. I told him so and he said something brief that made it sound like he didn't care and so I felt insulted.

And it was over. I would have cried for the rest of the night, so I distracted myself with my free HBO and watched Changeling(2008). I may have teared up the next day, but I didn't cry again. And now days later, I'm still bummed. When I'm alone, I'm sad, but when I'm with another person or at work I'm fine. I wish that it worked out with JW, but I saw it coming for so long that I already did the majority of the mourning. I've been mourning for a month and trying to be cheerful about it when I saw him.

After my time comes, I'll start looking for someone else. Hoping that 3rd internet match is the charm. When I think about looking, half the time I'm excited and the other half I feel tired. So tired that I don't want to try, but I'll never get what I want if I don't try.
in my case, the "expense" is trauma from dating angst
On the metro train going back to Greenbelt, I saw a tired couple who'd spent the day in the sun. The woman was trying to sleep with her head against the window, but the man was holding her hand and snuggling against her arm. They were so cute.

The Kdramas that I'm watching make a short list: still Grapevine (which is losing a bit of steam) and then a new one called Girl Who Sees Smells, which is hilarious, even if it stars the guy from DBSK who I used to call "Weird Hair Guy." You guessed it - Micky. I've watched him in a couple other dramas (SKKS and Rooftop Prince) and always liked him, but he's not an actor I love.

The weather is warmish outside, so I think I can really believe that winter is over. Hooray!

Thursday, April 2, 2015

dismay

Well I lowered my cable/internet bill. Probably not as low as I could have, but I was starting to dread life with absolutely no TV. Instead, I'll just have life with more limited TV.  I broke down and called them. Why can't I have just the internet and nothing else? It won't even let you do that on the website. Under-boob sweat by the end of the call from the stress, although the woman on the phone was perfectly pleasant enough. Anyway $25 a month saved for the first year. $15 for the second, for a total savings of $480 if I did the math right. Not much, but every bit helps since my biggest bills are rent and student loans.  The next time around, maybe I'll be able to get rid of the TV altogether. I'm tempted to get Netflix or DramaFever, but then what's the point of saving the money if I don't spend it on loans? The financial magazines say now it the time to live more frugally. Maybe I should put the money into my 401(k) instead? You know what I should do - I should call Verizon back and get just the internet. That's what I should do. Wait... they're closed now. Okay, tomorrow then!

Other than that, the weeks are passing by. On April Fool's Day, I went to the regular dentist for a check-up and they gave me a special toothbrush that gets into the holes where my wisdom teeth used to be. I think it will help the bottom heal. The top is fine. They showed me using a couple mirrors - it really is just 2 holes leading directly to my brain. My dad was so funny when I first came back here after getting my teeth out - he basically warned me not to kiss anyone because their germs would go directly to my brain and I'd get brain fever.

Dismay - courtesy of the Kdrama Endless Love
I totally see breaking up in my future. With the cop I've been dating I mean. The second he goes away it's radio silence. It's not going to work. I just wish it was. So basically, I know I'm going to wind up crying over continuing to see him for another week before he leaves, but I'm going to do it anyway and trust that I'll get over it. With the dating luck I've head, I can't help believing that whatever guy I meet is going to leave me anyway, so at least this one is up front about it. I would never tell a friend that every man will leave her in the end no matter what she does... Well they do say we're cruelest to ourselves. So I don't tell myself this, but I believe it (except for my father. My grandfather said no man would love me as much as my father does in my whole life, and I believe it). The only reason why I didn't cut ties with the cop is that he didn't leave when I tried to push him away when I first found out he was moving. Of course, him not leaving was probably more due to a combination of sheer stubbornness/lust, but I like to think it was because of something in me. There I go, trying to flatter myself and not really believing it. God, I see I'm not going to believe it - maybe if he told me that? Which I'm afraid to want to happen, because when you want something real bad, that's when you don't get it.

Anyway, Usher's song is appropriate. "Why you just leeeave me?" My middle sister used to sing this to me when I walked out of the room.


Plagued by allergies since around 5pm on Tuesday (watery eyes, itchy throat, runny nose, fatigue... no, I'm not crying my eyes are leaking). Bought 3 different kinds of cough drops for my sore throat this morning. One was so nasty I had to spit it out; it was the worst. One was like candy. One was okay. Also bought a store brand of Allegra that didn't seem to do much. On the other hand, I don't want to know what I'd be like if I hadn't taken it. I want this combination of medicines to allow me to sleep through the night tonight.