Saturday, August 31, 2013

friends + DC + being tourists = i love August

The DC monuments at night with 2 of my oldest friends was beautiful. The night was 75- the perfect temperature for wandering around in jeans and a t-shirt. We knew it was going to be good when a car pulled over to the side of the road and the hottest British guy asked us which way to the White House. We took so many pictures - me with my crappy cell phone camera. Last night made me respect the iPhone's camera. And how did FDR get one of the best monuments ever?
So unexpected and gorgeous
And the planes flying over so low - awesome.  So I don't forget: green line metro, Nando's in Chinatown for dinner (yes to spicy food), Haagen-Dasz detour, walk to red line metro, National Mall, Washington Monument (with scaffolding), Tidal Basin, Jefferson Memorial, Roosevelt, MLK, impromptu fireworks show, Reflecting Pool, Lincoln Memorial, Washington Monument again, National Mall, metro red line, green line (had to sit next to spilled salad), green line, 95, back to my apt.

Afterwards, A drove back to her apt, but M stayed the night. Familiar friends are friends who sleep with the doors open in separate rooms and talk to each other until they fall asleep. Both these ladies are likely to move away for work in the next few years - I have to enjoy them while I can. 10 years of friendship down - here's to 10 more!

Plus M made those most awesome blueberry muffins ever - from scratch. Eating my third one right now.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

monuments at night

This morning was foggy, although no rain. At work, I walked from my car to the building and got horrible twinges in my left knee. In my office, I almost cried from frustration - had to talk myself down. I admit I was helped along by the smell of burning electrical wires, which turned out to be people doing tar work on the roof and not my laptop about to catch fire. Yay!

Fingers crossed that I'll be able to walk around tomorrow, as today is finally the eve of monuments-at-night.

The more I learn about S, the less I am into him. I tell you, whatever excitement that was inspired by a random dude showing interest peaked and ebbed away. I don't consider us friends, and I'm fine with it. Plus he made a comment about something being "gay." Yeah, I used to talk like that years ago when I didn't know any better, but that was in high school! 10 years ago! It's like saying, that's so black. Or that's so white. Unless you're joking with someone in that group or you are in that group, AND you and your friend are both totally comfortable with the parameters of your relationship, then your words are probably offensive. I hate sitting there after someone says something and thinking - should I be offended? If you have to ask...

In other news, I'm obsessed with knowing if I'm overweight or not (thanks, body image issues!). I finally measured my wrist to figure out what type of frame I have. Since I'm 5'4" and the circumference of my wrist is > 6.25", I'm large framed. This is such a relief, because there's no way I'm getting down to 120lbs, short of some type of devastating illness (please, God, no). Turns out I should weigh between 134 and 151. Check! Can I finally put these overweight fears to rest? Sadly, not until I obsessively check multiple websites, consult with a doctor, get a second opinion, read enough articles online to dismiss the BMI charts, and even then I'll probably struggle with it. Can I get some peer reviewed scientific articles in there too?

For now, I just want my knees back!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

if I never date anyone again

C called me today because I forgot to say I wasn't doing the stairs workout. It was a really short awkward conversation in which we kept talking over each other and then stopping. I went for a 3 mile walk/run yesterday (all I can manage; thanks, knee), and I had to do those Brazillian Butt Lift exercises afterwards just so I was able to walk on my left knee today. A stair workout would destroy me - I've done it before, so I know - 11 flights ya'll.

Actually, running will probably destroy me if I don't wait until at least Saturday. I'm no challenge to run with these days. I don't mind walking in the woods by myself - I like walking in the woods by myself. I might be too comfortable being by myself. But all this pressure from S to be in constant communication makes me treasure solitude. I don't care if I never date anyone again. This might be because the only person I find attractive in my limited circle of acquaintances is C, and I don't really want to date him, but I find him a turn on, which I wish wasn't true. Can't I just stick to crushing on K actors like Daniel Choi or TOP?

The delicious large strawberry banana smoothie from the Amish place on Saturday poisoned me. I eat 50 calories of something, then I have to run to the bathroom.  I am so tired of the bathroom.  How long before I'm supposed to go to the doctor? TMI, I know. TMI.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

hot, sunny, green

Hot. Sunny. Green. Blue. Outside.

Houses always feel empty after a visitor leaves. They feel too full when a visitor first arrives. I never notice when the balance happens. B left a little bit ago after marathon sleeping - headed for DE for a week before she heads down to FL for her new job. I wish her all the best.

I spent the morning reading "The Best of Times" by Penny Vincenzi. I like it, but I'm only on page 265 and the novel is 600 pages. It seems like it should end by 300. Seems like a case of loving your characters too much to let them go. She has done a stellar job of imagining this world, but I don't know if I'll be able to finish the novel.

Remember, I said I gave up on S. He's whatever and if he wants to keep texting me, then he can. Now it's evolved to snapchat and of all things google+. Is he taking this seriously? Because it didn't seem like he was. I still maintain that I can't be emotionally involved with you unless I interact in-person. I just can't. Maybe I should tell him that, instead of assuming everyone is like me. I don't want to be an inconsiderate person in this situation, which is one that I have never before found myself in. There. I know what I have to do - I'm just afraid to do it. Frodo moment.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013


I forgive easily. I just cannot hold a grudge, even when I really really really want to. About S, I will take whatever he says with a grain of salt and accept flirting via text and go about my business. I really wanted to stay mad at him, but it's hard to sustain that level of emotion. Not caring makes it simpler for me.

I ran with the group for the first time in a long while today. Only 2 miles, but C really turned it on in the end, like he usually does. That's a real challenge for me, since I tend to start off his pace the first mile and a half, but have no kick in the end. At L's suggestion, I came home and tried some Brazillian butt lift exercises. L said she'd been having knee problems because her butt was weak from too much sitting - which I'm probably also guilty of now that I have a desk job. Every day for 2 weeks and I'll see what happens, because I want to run more often. But I physically can't. And it sucks away some of the fun to know while you're running that you're going to be broken up the next day. I can't always get what I want, but I can try.

I'm now able to drink sangria like it's water, which is a problem. This big bottle I bought used to taste too bitter, but lately I'm finding it just right. Is it as good for you as red wine? Then maybe I have an excuse.

Monday, August 19, 2013

i wanted him to be happy

I found out that Lee Thompson Young committed suicide today. I just wish he hadn't been so sad. I wanted him to be happy. I've been bad off even before I found out - just tired. I can't sleep without my neck hurting since I bought that new bed, so after work I bought a memory foam mattress and 2 different types of pillows. The lack of quality sleep is catching up to me. After I put the memory foam on top of the bed, I sat on the floor and listened to James Morrison songs for an hour and cried at all the beautiful lyrics. "Save Yourself" has been on repeat in my head these past days.

I'm trying to change to make the best for us
But I'm just the same, same as I ever was
Oh and if you stay with me, honestly it's what I want
But if you stay with me, I know I'll hurt you more

So won't you save, save yourself
By leaving me now for someone else?
If I'm crying out, don't listen to it
It's only my heart, save yourself
It's only my heart

There's no other musician whose lyrics speak to me like his. His songs have gotten me through hard times before, and they probably will again. I need to sit back and do nothing but listen more often.

I miss Bobbi. It'll be three years in December.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

all of my far friends

After episode 8, the second male lead in I Hear Your Voice was dead to me. He never quite became not dead to me, although he did redeem himself to the two main leads by the last episode (18). Still, when grievous wrongs have been done, I don't forget. Bring it to reality - S is dead to me. He doesn't know it yet, but why bother telling him flat out? Then I'd have to explain that I just don't have the patience to deal with a wishy-washy guy who I'm not even sure I like. I'm not sure because he refuses to communicate face-to-face. I'm not invested in whatever this friendship is, and he seriously annoyed me yesterday, so I'm going to stop responding and focus on building up myself and my local friend base. Forget about trying to make a new friendship with someone who lives far away and refuses to show any of who they are via the communication structure they do abide by. I will cut you out slowly to spare your feelings, and you will move on before you have time to whine to me about how I don't talk to you anymore, which will free be from being chained to the stupid phone.

Oh, I want all my far friends to move next to me.

Friday, August 16, 2013

disco ball

About to make the drive. I almost poisoned myself with an old turkey burger, but I decided I wasn't that hungry and I don't want to ruin my weekend.  Salmonella is a risk I'm not willing to take.

Looking forward to seeing my family, plus Darcy! Who I hear has again taken to peeing on the floor when she sees you. She's just so happy, she literally overflows. Poor traumatized dog.

One way or another the S thing will be resolved(?). Every time I see C at work, I am disappointed. I can only shake my head at myself. It's unreasonable. At work I was maybe invited to a Mandarin speaking lunch b/c I picked up enough watching TW dramas. Lol. I'm just a fangirl people. Let me have my unreasonable love for Joe Cheng; wo hen xihuan ta.
He'll always have a place in my fangirl heart.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

put aside your Self

A person can get used to anything. Picture me at an 8am dentist office, getting a filling redone. Oh the numbing and the needles and the suction and the drilling. After a half hour of being tense and trying to go boneless, I actually got sleepy. The dentist had jokes today too - before he started he whirred the drill behind me and was all "I have to set the mood." I laughed again just now as I typed that.

Yesterday I discovered I'd been food poisoning myself all week with Fuji apples from the grocery store. The pesticides sunk in through the appleskin, which I ate, and my body rejected them (and all the other stuff too). I played volleyball anyway - had to now that I'm almost a semi-consistent server. 3 games of 3 on 3. I got hit on the head(sunglasses mushed into my face, the works). I was fine, so I kept playing. I even went on a short solo jog afterwards because outside was gorgeous; then I drove home, hula hooped, and developed a headache. I took Ibuprofen, then called my mom to make sure it wasn't a concussion. She said nap, so I went to sleep at 8pm and didn't wake up until 5:20am... It was meant to be a nap. There's just something about sleeping. So many people are reluctant to relinquish control over their lives, but everyone releases their consciousness and sleeps. We literally put aside our sense of self, our id, our ego, our whatever. I've always had a super easy time with letting go and sleeping, which is slightly disturbing. How do we do it? I'll even accept the scientific answer. Fascinating.

I used my Runkeeper app to sign up for a 2 month "Fat Burner" program. I needed to commit to something. I'm not really sure it'll work, but it starts Sunday, barring rain. "Work" means reduce my middle.

Friday night I'm headed to PA. Maybe I'll take the parkway if there's no traffic jam. It's prettier than 95, and I'll be on 95 after Baltimore anyway. Excited to see my family. Kind of nervous to see potential Bud-2 (yeah, that's still happening). Wow pessimism. I need an attitude change.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

make me mildly miffed?

I really love being employed. So this is what people with jobs do - go on vacation. They come home and watch junky reality TV (Extreme Weight Loss and Double Divas woot woot). They have no homework. They go away for the weekend. They have friends who own houses.

I can get used to things really fast. The texting with that guy is still going on, and I've kind of gotten used to it. I mean, I'm still at the point where I mostly expect him to stop and then I'll be mildly miffed, and then I'll be fine. Maybe what I'm not willing to do is let myself get to a point where I'd be more than mildly miffed - he's going to have to (metaphorically) drag me kicking and screaming into that kind of emotional commitment. Not sure he has it in him. Anyway, I just don't want to get depressed again.

This morning I slept through my first 2 alarms. I woke up 40 minutes later than normal and the alarm blended into my dream. Time to change the alarm tone and add an alarm or I'm going to wake up at 9am one of these days and scream in horror.

Hula hooping again. We'll see how long it takes before I break this one. They all break in different ways. Variety.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

i want to buy a plant for my desk at work

Busy trying to hold on to the security of being happy by myself. Holding on. Hold on. Have some self-respect, A. Does it only take a week to wear you down?

Saturday going to meet up with M and A from college. Really looking forward to this. Don't know what they have planned because my phone decided to die early today. Suddenly, it's battery life is not what it used to be.

Volleyball yesterday I actually can feel that I almost have the hang of serving. Something just clicked last week and yesterday it was only 3 vs. 3, so I had a lot of opportunity to serve. But next week all the interns will be gone, so who knows if volleyball will even last much longer. I wish it would though. I miss M and E already. Interns have got their whole future ahead of them, and there's just something refreshing and hopeful about that - it makes me happier.

K, one of my professors at WCU, asked me what she can do to help get my thesis published. Yeah, I gave up in the face of the research I have to do. Maybe she'll give me a push? Here's hoping.

right about now

E is in labor RIGHT NOW.
Praying for her. I can't even imagine what she's going through.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

i may have to go into hiding

Relaxing weekend. Did nothing Saturday except wake up strangely early and go to the Amish market, then Walmart. Sunday I woke up late, ate breakfast, read more of Angels & Insects until it put me to sleep, woke up at 3. I love lazing around.

Bought a hula hoop at Walmart, so did that for a half hour yesterday and today. Hoping it'll help shrink my waist. If I have an ounce of fat on me, it's on my waist. Unfortunately there's more than an ounce. Hula hoops always break on me, probably because I use them so often? I could set a hula hoop contest if it wasn't so boring to stand in one spot. TV helps and doesn't help.

May have bitten off more than I can chew with the S thing. I mean, I like my me time and suddenly it's constant texting? I just can't. I need to be alone to read books and write things and watch I Hear Your Voice. This is why I shouldn't have children - I'm selfish with my time. I didn't used to be like this, I don't think. All I'm saying, is it's hard enough keeping up with my friends and family. Plus, I don't even know if I'm attracted to him. I said I'd go out on a date to FIND OUT IF I AM, and now he's assuming. How can I set the record straight without crushing you?

Totally hid from the Jehovah's Witnesses on Saturday. I had one light on in the day and the blinds were shut. I'd been quiet for the past few minutes, so I figured there was no way they could know for sure I was there. I slid down in my seat and sat under the kitchen table, which is impossible to see from the front window. Carpet is comfy. I even laid down to wait them out. I have patience.

Neck problems for the past 2 weeks. I turn my head to check and see if I can merge onto the highway and bam!