Sunday, September 29, 2013

howard/shaw for the 1st time

My friends left, and now I'm back to obsessing over the possible gov't shutdown, which directly affects me, as well as millions of other people. In the area where I live, many people work for the federal gov't (me included), so many of us are quietly (or not so quietly and really quite publicly) stressing.

Baby steps. So yesterday: I woke up and cleaned the bathrooms. The last time I gave them more than a cursory clean was when my friend M stayed over, so the last day of August. I washed my boatload of dishes, and then I set out for Walmart. I got to Walmart around 11, which was bad because everyone and their mama was there, so I drove right through the parking lot and went to Target, then a regular supermarket. Much faster and a more pleasant shopping experience. I made it back in time to do some more cleaning and even eat. Treated myself to those King's Hawaiian sweet rolls (best bread ever). Was watching the Big Bang Theory onDemand when A came! Then a half hour later, C came!

Great catch up times. They were both one year below me in high school, but they remember so many more people than I do! In an attempt to find some cute clothes, I drove us to the Columbia Mall, but a no-go, so we went to the Cheesecake Factory afterwards. Cute waiter. Then I took them to the good liquor store! I love when my visitors are from PA, because in my home state, the state gov't controls the alcohol, so we have state run "package stores." But in MD it's commercialized, so when I take my guests to this Total Wines store which is like a warehouse for alcohol and so overwhelming that the employees spend all their time helping people find where the alcohol is, my friends are always impressed. I can't even tell you what I was like the first time I went in there. Shock and awe, people, shock and awe.

We were going to go to a club/lounge/hookah bar place - strangely all those places are near the White House. But then we realized they all had $20 cover charges. So instead we went to an all night art festival in the Howard/Shaw neighborhood. C drove. Parking was crap. Less than one minute after we parked, we witnessed a fender bender in an intersection. I felt awkward until we finally settled into a bar called Nellie's and I got a cranberry vodka, which was half cranberry and half vodka. I was good after that. We saw so many gay men. I thought of A and wish I could have brought him - he either would have enjoyed it or been bitter that there were so many couples. Either way, we would have had a good time.

Anyway, on to distracting myself until my 5pm call with M&A. Wow I have a lot of friends with A names.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

cactus FACE

What's today? The 26th. So the running group finally got back together a little and we ran a little over 5K on Tuesday. No knee issues! I did the Brazilian butt lift exercises b/c I swear they help. I actually had a little shinsplint pain, which I welcomed after the knee thing b/c it's easy enough to deal with. So today after work I ran for a while, a 3x3 workout in which I did four sets of 3min fast + 3min slow. Gorgeous days this week, low 70s and although it's fall, everything's still green. It's just a joy to be outside. I'm all broke up from today, but I can take it. Casual Friday tomorrow.

I feel like I'm right back where I started with S. Although it's a little better b/c the texting isn't constant. I just feel like if I met him in person I would be more interested, but I haven't so I can't force myself to be interested when I'm not. When I thought that I'd ended the whole thing, I didn't feel good, but I didn't feel very bad either, and in a week or so I would've been completely back to normal. Easy come, easy go. I can gauge relationships by my past ones. The Bud one was horrible to get over, but not as bad as the first time I ever really fell for someone. I'll be sappy (just finished watching a Kdrama rom com episode, so I can't really help it), and call him my first love. Years I tell you. So I was actually pretty happy that the S thing was over, and now I find out it's not. Grimace. I already hate long distance.
Cactus face!!!

Monday, September 23, 2013

my old true love

I finished reading "My Old True Love" and that book broke my heart. I cried the whole last 20 pages. And then when it was over I read the author interview and put the book down. I walked over to the couch and looked out the window and then I just started crying. And by the time I was done there went half the tissues. I have even more respect for what women had to go through before they had the rights they have now. And it'd been a while since I'd read a good Civil War novel - I used to be crazy for historical fiction, but hadn't read much lately. The story this book tells means something.

Today at work I picked up a novel with a modern setting, and I couldn't even get through the first paragraph. The things the average person worries about in that novel are just nothing compared to the gravity of living in the middle of a war zone.

I need to find a story that's important enough to slave over the telling. That's the key; that's why I haven't written - lack of passion.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

some of them want to use you / and some of them want to be used by you

I got a raise at work and got paid at the new rate for the first time today. Wow, after they take the taxes out, the raise is tiny. Still, if only I didn't have school loans to pay, I'd have a new car in no time. Of course, then I wouldn't have a job that pays as high because I wouldn't have the same educational background.

Out of boredom, I started watched a TW drama called "Just You" starring Aaron Yan. After years of watching Kdramas, it's hard to go down in quality, and this drama is definitely a step down. Still, Aaron is pretty, and I enjoy marveling at how much younger than his age he looks - just like me. On Wednesday, I came back from work and a (new?) neighbor was outside her house and asked me if I was just getting back from school. She meant high school, because when I told her I was just coming back from work, then she asked me if I smoked b/c she wanted to bum a cigarette. Jeez, why do I live in an apartment complex where the only people who talk to you are the ones who want to use you?
Back to the dramas. So I watched 4 episodes of Just You and somewhere in there I turned on the viewers comments to make it not boring, because yes, Aaron is pretty but Aaron's been pretty - the novelty wore off like 4 years ago. If only he'd act in something that would make me take him seriously, like what Jung Kyung-ho did in his Heartless City role. I never took Jung Kyung-ho seriously for years and years - until I saw him in the first episode of Heartless City, and now I can only describe him as delicious.
Thank you military duty - you made him into a man
I'm even at the point where I'm streeeetching out Heartless City so that I can keep watching him in this role for as long as possible. I do rewatch dramas, but there's nothing like watching an episode for the first time. Oh, if I met that man in real life, I would seriously have to hold myself back. The Kdrama leads who I like fade in and out, and right now he's definitely the only one who's in. Ah, I need a moment.

i just want to play around

Hmm. I think my pissy sounding email was a bit overboard. I try to never send an email when I'm upset - oops. Thinking about it when I'm not upset, it's actually kind of bitchy.  Ooops. I was upset because of volleyball - this condescending ass was playing and sucked out all the fun. Yes, I'm really bad at volleyball - just let me be bad! At least I have fun that way. It's why I like running - I don't need other people for that. I just want to play around when I exercise/do sports. I realize most people aren't like this - so I stay away from team sports. Sigh. Anyway, I was pissed because of volleyball so I sent S an ultrabitch email and now I feel bad. On the one hand, it's over which is what I wanted. On the other hand, I didn't want to be mean and hurt someone. I'm torn about whether to leave it alone, or apologize. I also tend to overanlayze, so maybe the email wasn't as bitchy as I think?

In other news, totally food poisoned myself again today - mildly. I think it was maybe some pesticide spray on the outside of an orange. But that doesn't make sense - it would have been on the other oranges too and nothing happened from them. This actually happens more than I'd like to admit.

Started a novel called "My Old True Love" by Sheila Kay Adams; it's set before the Civil War so of course it won't end well, but it's a good read. Got it from the Goodwill last weekend. I started reading War and Peace, free on my kindle, but I think I'll be reading that for a few months, so I'll shut up about it for now.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

pissy sounding emails

I wish I could hold fast to my resolve. I've never been able to stop forgetting. It makes me forgiving, which I don't mind with family. But generally if it's not family, life has taught me it's stupid to forgive and forget. Forgiving's alright, but woe unto you if you should forget. Basically I caved into S, with a step back. Only email. In the end I couldn't think of a nice way to say it, so I just sent a pissy sounding email response to his email and went to sleep.

Tuesday after work I ran 4 miles. Wednesday I did volleyball for an hour. Unfortunately, I collided with J and no bruise on my face, but my left knee is bruised. My serve is about 50/50 now though, so it's the least of my worries. I am really bad at volleyball.

Went on a walk at work with L - got to enjoy this nice weather. And the time with L - who knows what she'll be doing this time next year. E wants me to somehow get up to NY for a day trip when she'll be on the east coast in early October. On the one hand, I could meet her daughter, on the other hand I have no spare vacation days.

Monday, September 16, 2013

not mad, just done

"Are you mad at me" S texts. I'm not mad, I'm just done. But how do I say that without being superbitch? There's only so long you can ignore someone without disrespecting them, so I should get on that reply. I'm done because I have only ever involved myself with guys who were good to me and who made me a priority. It's not either or. Like that commercial - no one wants a cop who protects or serves.
Yes, my past relationships have ended, but they're over because both of us cared enough about the other. And this guy, I don't care about him. This telling me he's pursuing other girls doesn't hurt - stings my pride, mostly makes me remember when the relationships were good with those other guys, how it felt to be so valued. I'm fine with waiting until I'm that valued again, until I'm capable of feeling so much about someone else. And I deserve way more. That said, this is not a plea, God, for me to fall for CH. Please no. I swear he's in love with a married friend! Still, as long as he's there to trigger something in me, I know what I should be feeling towards a guy I date.

Sleepy Hollow premier tonight. I'm hoping this show has excellent plot, great dialogue, a strong likeable female lead, and a hot clever male lead capable of making me fan myself and spontaneously talk about "how fine that man is." A clever mostly evil baddie is also a must.

Proceed to fan yourselves:
Jensen Ackles. If he could actually fix cars, he'd be perfection

Sunday, September 15, 2013

new pledge

I really am out of shape! Here's how I found out: I went for a run yesterday morning and everything was fine. I got to wear tights since it was only about 50 degrees. I love-adore-cherish summer, hence my love/hate relationship with autumn. If only autumn didn't mean winter was coming - I'd adore it too. Anyway, good run, and I felt happier. Afterwards, I got to talk to my friend C, who I've known for about 5 years. We live faaar apart, but I adore him. Good day. I slept at like 9 b/c I was so tired, and it was okay because I knew I didn't have to go to work the next day. And then this morning I woke up and I'm sore! Waaah. New pledge - run more. The zombie run will not happen at this point b/c I didn't realize it's also a muddy obstacle course and it costs $100.

The upside is, thanks to actually working out, I'm a lot more positive. I'm okay with having a mental dependence on exercise, if that's what this means.

Regarding this S texting relationship - yeah, that's still happening. Kind of. Last month on a morning radio show, a DJ confessed to texting 3-5 girls at the same time and then dating whichever one it worked out with. I have no problems with that kind of efficiency - as long as you don't tell them about each other. S totally told me, and then I told him to call her so that he could start dating her and stop texting me. But she rejected him. Noooooo, I yelled to my otherwise empty apartment. Anyway, he'd have to be really stupid to keep texting me b/c he must know that he friend-zoned himself at the least. Hmm. I should have acted really offended and told him I didn't want to ever talk to him again. Why did I only think of that now? Anyway, I'd rather focus on the friends/family I have than mess with this fool. Smh.

"Summertime Sadness" by Lana Del Ray is stuck in my head. The non-radio edit. Kiss me hard before you go...

Saturday, September 14, 2013

desperate times

I had to stop running seriously because of my knees. And I just realized tonight that I've got progressively unhappier. Guys, tomorrow morning I'm going for a run and I just don't care okay, I don't care about the knee thing. I'm going to at least 3 miles tomorrow and no one can stop me. I NEED endorphins. I can't go back to that depressed place.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

anniversary - 6 months since I

Yesterday was my 6 month anniversary of my job! I've now had the job for as long as I was depressed. And still, every day I'm grateful. The only downside is the traffic.

Also, I have decided no Walmart except early in the morning or late at night. The population density is so high that it's not freaking worth it. I'm at the point where I'm willing to pay higher prices just so I don't have to spend a half hour waiting in line. Peace of mind is worth more and more the older I get. At this rate, who knows how I'll feel by the time I hit 30?

Still texting with S, and the relationship has been defined as friendship. Honestly, I can't listen to your whining about how you don't want to apply for a job in Ohio because it would take too much effort to get there. Just admit you don't want the job and stop giving me excuses. He's clearly not at the desperate point I reached; which is fine - no one should travel there. I don't know what he wants me to say, but there's no way I'm going to talk him out of it.
Still loving Master's Sun

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

another life (choice)

At work I spoke with a woman on the phone who was happily out of contact for a week or so because she's working in the field somewhere near Galveston, TX. She was happy to speak about her experiences teaching at Penn State and working at my agency, and wow did she make me want to get that PhD.  I find I get comfortable very easily, but that's not what life's about - just being comfortable. There's no use angsting over whether or not to do the program after the deferment period is over. Not for half a year at least. All I want to know, is will I regret not doing it?  I've focused on the things I wouldn't like about getting a PhD to make myself feel better about the choice I made, but maybe I'm not being fair to myself. And now that I've realized that I don't care if I never get married, well there's no reason not to start a PhD in my late 20s. But there is a reason to hold onto this job - it took so much time and effort to get it, and I was miserable for 6 months. A lot of tears went into this - and it's a great job - and every day I'm still grateful that I have it. Decisions.

Change of topic - it looks like Christmas in Hawaii is happening. I want to see my brother again.
Latest drama addiction is Master's Sun. I've watched 7 episodes and it alternately makes me laugh, cry from fear, and fangirl over the main couple. All in the same episode.