Thursday, October 30, 2014

you're the one

Also loving the last track on Sam Smith's album:
It's called Make it to me and I will go to sleep now, so that I can make it!

maybe i am just not enough

All this listening to Sam Smith during my morning commute has got me crying in the car 3 times out of 4 so far this week. When the "I'm Not the Only One" song comes on, specifically the line about Maybe I am just not enough, the tears are cued. And then I just start thinking about Nana and they keep coming. When I go to work, I have to show my badge at the gate, so I pull it together before I get to the security guards.  Was listening to an old Car Talk episode last Saturday where a woman called in saying that other people can see you in traffic jams. She was complaining about how she always saw these men picking their noses, thinking no one could see them. When I drive, I look at the car, not really the people inside unless there's a 4-way stop and they wave their hand. So does this mean random people are watching me cry, and is it sad that I try to hide it?

SC is sad that he'll be alone on Halloween, really that he has no one to "go out" with. Going out means drinking too much. I don't know what to say, because I've always been fine alone. I realize that there are people who can't deal with it though - maybe he's one of them? One of my cousins is like that - she has to be gone doing something at all times. I get exhausted just thinking about it.

Was a nice, warm day. I got to go outside because I had a training in another building that I walked to. It was surprisingly warm, although the wind was cold. Saw some good trees, which I can no longer identify as easily - I need that book again! The clouds have been great this week, so epic, like video game clouds, you know, in the gorgeous video games. The sky yesterday leaving work was so pretty - many gray clouds that weren't high and hazy but distinct, actually roiling (slowly). I'd like to say I'll never forget them, but who knows?

There's a tree at HU that I'll never forget. One morning I was walking back from the gym and it glittered with dew in the sunlight. I swore on the spot to remember that image forever.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

please get stronger

As I listen to the 6th World Series game (KC is winning):

I keep crying in the car on the way to work to Sam Smith's cd as whichever song makes me think of Nana and pray for her. If he and Adele ever do a duet, I will be ruined.

Work is busy and somehow more chaotic. I know it's just because of the due date, but I miss having my department chief around. He's relaxing.

It's hard for me to get out of bed in the morning because it's so dark. I used to have the willpower to get up though.

The fact that I can't hide the expressions on my face was revealed to me again. My face must have registered disappointment when learned of my semi-pitiful raise. I said something like "at least it's something."

I am or am not going to Puerto Rico for my friend's 30th. She's flip-flopping, but I think it's on again. I'm going for it. She's hilarious.

I don't deal well with self-pity in myself or in others. If you're going to feel sorry for yourself, which I do sometimes, deal with it yourself or talk about it and what you're going to do about it. I have a hard time with general self-pity which is expressed to me and then a shooting down of everything I say. If you want comfort, say it. If you want a kick in the ass, say it. If you don't know what you want, Imma leave you alone for some self-reflection.

I got 5 new books from the thrift store. Their books were not organized as well as last time, but I needed a set of 5 to get the deal. It took a while, but I did it.  I made a list of all the things I like, which I got myself or was given this birthday month:
new books
dark chocolate with sea salt
pretty clothes
green tea ice cream
diamond candle
day off from work
warm sunny weather
Thai tea bubble tea

I can't think of any other material thing I want for my birthday month. What I really miss is the story Nana told me every year on my birthday, the story of the first time she saw me in the hospital and of me supposedly feeding the ducks but actually eating their food. She's never going to tell me that story again with the same warmth and light in her eyes. When was the last time I saw her before her stroke? I can't remember a specific day. I only regret that I didn't visit more. Bobbi taught me to always visit, always stay with the person, not to take it on faith that they won't die because you're not there. As if anything that major changes whether you're there or not. Please get stronger, Nana.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

last weekend of my birthday month: 2014


Friday night, I hied myself over to the CVS on Rt1, but their photobooth was closed. The "photobooth" is just a white screen that they pull down. So fake. So I went to the other CVS on Rt1, which is a quarter mile away and much less busy and got the photo taken there. It may be one of the worst photos of me ever taken.

Saturday I took my application to the post office and applied for a passport. Who knows where I'll be going, but soon I'll be free to move about beyond the country. The man who processed my application flattered me by telling me that I reminded him of the main lead of the movie Dear White People, which I have never seen. But I think the lead is Tessa Thompson, who is gorgeous, so I'm flattered. If they dressed her frumpily in the movie, then I'm totally offended.

Then I took myself over to LB's house, where I got to hold the baby as we made apple pies. LB has been working a lot longer than me, and I always learn things from her. She's like my peer mentor/friend. We made 4 different apple pies. So much peeling that my hand cramped for a good 5 minutes. And then before I left I helped her coordinate an outfit for her son's baptism next Sunday. She invited me to come, which I may do since I've never been to a Catholic service and I'm curious about how they go. The only reason why I wouldn't go is if something happens with Nana. We'll see. She can't swallow on her own any more. Mom said if her body is shutting down, then it doesn't look good.

After LB's, I took 2 of the pies and stopped at my apartment to pick up the card and gift for SH's 30th birthday house party. I saw AC there, so it was entertaining. She and SH were really the only people I knew well there, so it forced me to socialize, but I think I talked to all of the people there are one point. The food was good and they ate an entire apple pie, so I call it a success. The gift I gave was a blue glass bowl that my youngest sister made, and also a tiny glass mouse that she made. The card had a pun in it, as all cards for SH should. At one point I wondered how SH and I are friends because I don't seem to like any of the things that he likes. Why does he even talk to me? I'm his total fangirl though. Fangirl for life!

Today I slept in, continued reading Stones from the River, and then made it over to Arundel Mills before it got so late that I had to troll for a parking spot. My main goal was to spend the $25 coupons I got for my birthday. I parked and went in through the Bass Pro shop, which is hilarious because it's such a spectacle for me. And if elk are really that giant, I had no idea.  I found a really cute skirt from the Loft outlet.
this skirt in a different color. size 4, yo
Where I also bought a couple pairs of black tights for the cold weather. And I finally bought black leather ankle booties from Naturalizer to be my go-to for work this winter. Why are most of the ankle booties suede? How will suede help me in the snow? 

When I was in Loft I saw a discarded bubble tea container, so I knew I had to have it. I went on a long journey before I found the bubble tea store. On the way the Champion outlet had a 40% off sale and if it was your birthday month, you got an extra 20% off. All you had to do was show your driver's license. The guy behind the counter was going to let me get the discount without even showing it, haha. Is it because I'm pretty? Anyway, right after I bought a sports bra and a pink hoodie, I found the bubble tea store! Got my thai bubble tea.
love thai tea flavored bubble tea
Then I made the long trek back to the Bass Pro outlet, where I gawked at the indoor rock climbing cliff and wondered if anyone turned fishing lures into jewelry. And then I got back to my car, put on Sam Smith, and drove home through the bright sunny highways, sipping my bubble tea with the windows down. Thanks for not killing me, 95.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

happy birthday to me

Happy birthday to me! I am 20-something once again! Thank you, God.
I always forget how smart Google is. :-)

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

sings "i don't have money on my mind"

So while I wait for my current favorite drama to be subbed/finished (aka My Secret Hotel), I've started watching a ridiculously cute drama called Surplus Princess, which is notable because of the lust the main female lead as for the apple bottom of the guy she has a crush on, played by Song Jae-rim. It's kind of hilarious because I've only ever seen him in Two Weeks, where he played a psycho killer with no visible emotion, so to see him act ridiculous is even more ridiculous than the show intended.
much cuter with a smile than as the Two Weeks pen-wielding murderer
Long day, which started off with the gyno trip I put off for 7 years. I liked the doctor, didn't like the procedure, but I'm glad it's over for at least a year, and pending an abnormal test result, I'm healthy. Still, no wonder after I had my very first pap smear I came away feeling violated. I don't know the details of the exam that men have to go through, but surely it can't hurt as much - or am I wrong?

Burning my diamond candle. This one has more staying power than the others. Haven't even seen the foil, but I feel the need to burn the candle because when I came back here after those days in PA, downstairs smelled as impersonal as a hotel. Not cool! I like to spend time in a nice-smelling apartment. I should have put up more of a fuss about them redoing the carpet before I moved in. Much too late now.

Tomorrow is the last day before my birthday. It's the fun run at work, which I'm going to walk if it happens. Supposed to thunderstorm and we'll all be lightening magnets because the course is in the open. Not trying to get struck, ya'll. Loving the Sam Smith cd - it was a good decision to buy it.

How will I spend my birthday? I should start it with a workout on that stair-stepper machine... after I sleep in for a reasonable amount of time, of course.

Monday, October 13, 2014

feeling clean and smelling good

Columbus Day. I downloaded the Sam Smith cd after I got back to my apt and took a shower. I really needed a shower because I was jumped on and brushed against by 5 different dogs since my last shower. Then I put on the Prada Candy perfum that smells so good and makes me happy. Also burning my new diamond candle that I thought was too smelly, but seems fine now. I'm not getting the ring out today because I want it to be a surprise for as long as possible. I need the small things.
tigers always scare me
Tomorrow it's the gynecologist for me. Also, I was super scared about Nana on Thursday. I thought she was going to die for like 2 hours. Rushed out of work. Rushed to pack. Thankfully, she's not. She's turned around. She's very weak and yet my mom telling the nurses that Nana was coming any way helped. Nana is talking more and it's because of mom. There needs to be someone else in the family who knows medical things so the burden isn't always on her. I'm useless.

How gorgeous is Dianna Agron? So gorgeous. If we were friends, I'd be just like Amy Farrah Fowler towards Penny in the BBT. Other girl crushes include Angie Harmon, Yoon Eun-hye, and Yoo In-na. I'm sure there are more, I just can't think of them right now.
Angie Harmon being awesome

Sunday, October 5, 2014

she woke from unsettling dreams

I knew it would happen! Bad dreams from watching that Denzel movie last night, even though I followed it up with the penultimate episode of "It's Okay, It's Love" (IOIL). I don't know why I thought that show would save me - the male main character and his small family were abused by his step-father when he was young, which is the whole reason for the show really.  Constant flashback scenes and there was definitely violence.

How did I treat myself today? Treating myself because October is my birthday month. Well, I went shopping with LB and baby, which is always fun. He's such a pretty baby, and so happy. LB found more shirts than I did, but I did pick up a pair of dark magenta work flats and a cute blazer. I wonder if I can figure out a way to wear both of them tomorrow. We hit up the Burlington Coat Factory which is new -  not as new as I thought though, b/c I asked a cashier who said they'd opened in March. And wow, I just noticed the place last month.  Babies have such soft skin, hard to believe my skin was once that soft. How can I get that to happen again?

Also, I bought a diamond candle. This one should arrive right around my birthday. Oh shoot, I hope I'm here. If it comes when I go on vacation, it might just sit outside and then someone will steal it. Hmm. Is it too late to go back and pay for the standard shipping? I wonder if that was 10-15 days or 10-15 business days. Well, that's already done so...

I finished the IOIL drama. I can't say I loved it. I didn't connect with any of the characters, but they were all so crazy that I watched for the hot mess factor. By the end of the drama they were still crazy and just remained happy and lived with it. The male lead had schizophrenia which caused him to hallucinate a high school sophomore. He was able to live with his illness once everyone realized he had one in 3 episodes. Does this mean he had a mild form of schizophrenia? I have an uncle on my dad's side who has it and he's never been able to make it on his own. He always has to live in a facility. I think I've seen him maybe 5 or 6 times in my conscious life. He's been released a few times, but he always relapses. So I don't think the show was very realistic - mostly they glossed over his treatment and every character was pretty and clean and dressed well.


Saw the latest Denzel movie with my friend. It was so violent that I must have closed by eyes for 5 minutes combined. Maybe more. 5 to 10. I used a gift card, so I don't feel that bad about it though. Maybe I should have bought popcorn after all. Nothing like that liquid butter.

On the way back I drove by a car crash with shattered windshield in the road, and I didn't realize until too late and I had to drive through it. Slowly. The car seems to be fine though. But that's probably really bad.

It's only been this day for 31 minutes so I'm really tired and will just go to sleep now.