Thursday, October 30, 2014

maybe i am just not enough

All this listening to Sam Smith during my morning commute has got me crying in the car 3 times out of 4 so far this week. When the "I'm Not the Only One" song comes on, specifically the line about Maybe I am just not enough, the tears are cued. And then I just start thinking about Nana and they keep coming. When I go to work, I have to show my badge at the gate, so I pull it together before I get to the security guards.  Was listening to an old Car Talk episode last Saturday where a woman called in saying that other people can see you in traffic jams. She was complaining about how she always saw these men picking their noses, thinking no one could see them. When I drive, I look at the car, not really the people inside unless there's a 4-way stop and they wave their hand. So does this mean random people are watching me cry, and is it sad that I try to hide it?

SC is sad that he'll be alone on Halloween, really that he has no one to "go out" with. Going out means drinking too much. I don't know what to say, because I've always been fine alone. I realize that there are people who can't deal with it though - maybe he's one of them? One of my cousins is like that - she has to be gone doing something at all times. I get exhausted just thinking about it.

Was a nice, warm day. I got to go outside because I had a training in another building that I walked to. It was surprisingly warm, although the wind was cold. Saw some good trees, which I can no longer identify as easily - I need that book again! The clouds have been great this week, so epic, like video game clouds, you know, in the gorgeous video games. The sky yesterday leaving work was so pretty - many gray clouds that weren't high and hazy but distinct, actually roiling (slowly). I'd like to say I'll never forget them, but who knows?

There's a tree at HU that I'll never forget. One morning I was walking back from the gym and it glittered with dew in the sunlight. I swore on the spot to remember that image forever.

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