Saturday, July 14, 2012

The power to eat

I should be an adult by now, able to use my intense powers of concentration to finish this 10th round of thesis edits, but I have tried to learn about mushrooms for 4 hours, and I've failed.  I think it has something to do with the fact that I have lost the will to eat.

Lies - I had a half a glass of skim milk and half a plain bagel while I was taking my vitamins.  "Taking my vitamins" sounded like the words of an adult, but just know that 2 of those vitamins were gummy.  Still, compared to what I normally eat, which is less than the average American, but more than a picky child, I am exhibiting eating disorder tendencies.  They tell me brains don't function right under those conditions.  I was like this yesterday, but then around 8:30pm I ate a serving of those salty orange cheesy crackers, so I thought I'd regained the power to eat.  But this morning I woke up, didn't feel the crushing weight of depression, but boo-ed because I did feel grossed out at the thought of eating granola and skim milk (I normally love raisin-less granola and skim milk).

Vitamins, granola, skim milk.  From that list you can probably tell that I had a problem way before the break up two days ago.  To sum up that sob story, I gained weight, screamed when I looked in the mirror one day, then learned how to eat like an adult.  I exercised, lost 25 pounds in 5 years.  It was slow and torturous, and left me deathly afraid of becoming chubby again.  It's hard to live in fear, but motivating.

I think I'm progressing along the break-up front.  I cried much less today.  I got angry, then sad, then angry, then sad.  Very quickly.  The sudden switch in emotions is unsettling, but anger is a different emotion, and right now, I want a different emotion.  This relationship lasted only since early May, so I only have one thing he gave me to destroy.  I'm contemplating which would make me feel better - smash it or return it?  If I smashed it, I'd have to clean it up.  If I return it, I might have to see him.  I have until the end of July to decide.

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