I should be an adult by now, able to use my intense powers of concentration to finish this 10th round of thesis edits, but I have tried to learn about mushrooms for 4 hours, and I've failed. I think it has something to do with the fact that I have lost the will to eat.
Lies - I had a half a glass of skim milk and half a plain bagel while I was taking my vitamins. "Taking my vitamins" sounded like the words of an adult, but just know that 2 of those vitamins were gummy. Still, compared to what I normally eat, which is less than the average American, but more than a picky child, I am exhibiting eating disorder tendencies. They tell me brains don't function right under those conditions. I was like this yesterday, but then around 8:30pm I ate a serving of those salty orange cheesy crackers, so I thought I'd regained the power to eat. But this morning I woke up, didn't feel the crushing weight of depression, but boo-ed because I did feel grossed out at the thought of eating granola and skim milk (I normally love raisin-less granola and skim milk).
Vitamins, granola, skim milk. From that list you can probably tell that I had a problem way before the break up two days ago. To sum up that sob story, I gained weight, screamed when I looked in the mirror one day, then learned how to eat like an adult. I exercised, lost 25 pounds in 5 years. It was slow and torturous, and left me deathly afraid of becoming chubby again. It's hard to live in fear, but motivating.
I think I'm progressing along the break-up front. I cried much less today. I got angry, then sad, then angry, then sad. Very quickly. The sudden switch in emotions is unsettling, but anger is a different emotion, and right now, I want a different emotion. This relationship lasted only since early May, so I only have one thing he gave me to destroy. I'm contemplating which would make me feel better - smash it or return it? If I smashed it, I'd have to clean it up. If I return it, I might have to see him. I have until the end of July to decide.