I should be an adult by now, but an adult doesn't decide to start a blog less than 24 hours after the guy she was dating told her he's just not into her anymore. From a movie, I got the idea that you can't tell a person how to feel. This comes in handy when I'm criticized, as it allows me to run away yelling "Don't tell me how to feel!" in a dramatic voice. Not so handy right now. Right now it turns out that I can't even tell myself how to feel, despite trying really really hard. I'm giving myself a week to wander around the house spontaneously crying (not the loud tears though), a roll of toilet paper in my left hand, not even putting in my contacts because it might be possible to cry them out. Is it? Sometimes I shower with them in, water gets in my eyes, and they slide around on my eyeball.
So, as I sat there and listened to him talk about how he didn't want to make me sad and he felt too awkward talking about his ex in front of me and he'd thought about this for an entire week, I discovered (again) that people do decide you aren't what they wanted and that they just don't like you anymore. I have learned this lesson before (I had also learned the rebound lesson before, but in theory, not practice.). I also discovered that, due to my emotional lag (aka delayed emotional reaction), I wasn't going to cry. My voice sounded normal. I was able to sit and watch youtube videos and laugh the polite laugh that comes out at times when society has conditioned me to produce it. When it was time for me to go, I even hugged him goodbye, knowing it would be a cold day in hell before I voluntarily saw him again, and hopped down the porch step with an inappropriate amount of bounce and pep and energy. I even turned back and waved. What the hell is wrong with me?
I should be an adult by now, but if I was an adult, I wouldn't have tried to make him feel okay about breaking up with me. I would have prioritized me.