Besties

The older I get, the more I hear "fake it till you make it."  Does this work?  I admit, I go to work with the attitude "dress for the job you want, not the job you have."  That allows me to keep hoping.  But I hear the "fake it" phrase applied most to being happy.  Despite the content of this blog, I'm not depressed by nature, so I've been trying to act happy.  I think most people do this.  I've been told it's the civil thing to do, the polite thing. People, even your family, will get tired of you if they see you sad all the time.

Faking it takes so much energy.  Can I stop now?  I wanted to stop being sad about Bud in a week, but it's not even about him anymore. I think it's just the fact that I'm tired of doing it alone.  I'm not talking about family - my family is here.  I just mean that I want a best friend who is also my boyfriend.  And before I dated Bud, I was in a place where I forgot that I wanted that; where I forgot that people need that.  I don't need to start dating Bud again.  Yeah, I'm in that weird post-break up stage where for some reason I want my future best friend to be him.  But I accepted that it wouldn't be the afternoon we broke up.

So I think I'll stop forcing myself to act happy when I'm alone.  In public, I'll stop avoiding Bud and I'll wear my sunglasses.  I'll take my vitamins and run and eat and and apply for jobs and stop marathon-ing Korean dramas.  And when I'm alone, if it's a day when I feel sad, then I'll stop analyzing myself and just let myself feel sad.

Besties for life go on vacation together! (Please know me well enough to recognize when I use irony.)