Wednesday, December 5, 2012

yellow a terrible amber

I took the GREs. So glad that's done. I was worried about getting lost on the way, but when I got off at the Conshohocken exit, I realized I'd been there before- summer 2011. I channeled my Frodo voice to mock his statement from the first LOTR movie- We've been here before! Yes, I have an irrational love for Elijah Wood. Fates that be, can we hang out one day (soon)?
I promise, he's tiny and interesting. Taller than me, so we're good. IMDb says he's 5'6 people.
Last post, I admitted that I'm petty. So of course I have a burning desire to know what Bud's scores were so I can be sure that I beat them. I'm pretty smart (but so is he), and I tutored SATs for 2 years (secret - same test), so there's a good chance I beat him. Why am I so petty? Ergh.

Here's a poem that I love:

Suddenly this defeat.
This rain.
The blues gone gray
and yellow
a terrible amber.
In the cold streets
your warm body.
Among all the people
your absence.
The people who are always
not you.

I have been easy with trees
too long.
Too familiar with mountains.
Joy has been a habit.
this rain.

--Jack Gilbert, Rain

That last stanza is me. For the past ... 3 years I was lalala life and nature; I hugged trees, I hiked, walks in the woods proved God to me again and again. Granted, I still do all those things, but the Bud thing made me refocus. Or made me realize that I was here with the rest of ya'll all along, that I have no hope of escape from all the bad and the mediocre, that joy comes from other people too, not just nature and solitude. So yeah, I can't be a writer yet, because I only know how to write and retreat. I'm so bad at multi-tasking because I forget I'm doing it, sinking into one passion to the exclusion of my other selves.

And how fantastic is poetry? I'm pretty sure Jack Gilbert is an old white guy who wrote this in the 1980s, but he knew how I'd feel decades later, because he felt it then. Miracle.

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