Monday, December 17, 2012

if i want anything

If I want anything these days, it's peace. Not world peace, I'm talking me peace. A lot of what turned me into a runner this year is the fact that running does more for my mind than my body. And while I have an unhealthy obsession with weighing myself, I don't run because I want to drop another pants size. I run to feel the determination that goes through me when I get out of the car and walk towards the hill at the start of my park run. I run to hit that wall so I can keep going until my whole body settles into an easy rhythm. I run so I can be alone in the woods in the winter and the spring and the summer and the fall. Then, I know the world and myself like I don't anywhere else these days. I depend on it.

If I'd had these worries before, I would have started running earlier. But there are only so many hours I can spend running through the woods. This is the first time in life I've lacked peace. It startles me every day. I keep waiting for it to go away, or come back. I keep reading novels and short stories and giving myself tasks and applying for school and applying for work and making lists. But there's always some moment when my mind isn't occupied and then all those tasks were for nothing. And here I thought the melo teenage years were behind me.
Is anyone else ever terrified of finding a body? TV has ruined  me.

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