Sunday, December 30, 2012

let the quest begin

The 2nd to last day of 2012. I slept in. I learned a new stretch from an exercise video. I went to the gym (many attractive gay men there today). I took a hot shower and it felt good. I decided to apply to 5 PhD programs (been flipping back and forth on it for months). I stumbled across an old Boyz II Men song on my laptop called "Doin Just Fine." It's unmistakably 90s, but when I used to listen to it, I was too young to know about relationships. Today it was like hearing the song for the first time. 2013 mini-goal: to get to the point of view the song expresses.

It's resolution time. Usually I'm like everyone else - I vow to work out more. But (for the first time since high school) I already work out. I even dress well; I get clothing compliments from strangers. I like that women compliment each other - it's unifying. Anyway, this year I resolve to find out what I want.
Let the quest begin.
Back story: I was shy in grade school. Part of the reason was that as the oldest kid, I was used to taking care of other kids and bossing them around. That doesn't make you many friends, so I did the opposite and shut-up all the time. Another part of the reason was that I was raised on military bases, which aren't conducive to lasting friendships. I also hated confrontation. Kids are all about confronting something or another - other kids, bugs, dirt, you know. And when we moved to mostly white Rhode Island, that's when the shyness from being different started. We moved again and my high school was more diverse, but I was in honors classes, which meant I was usually the only black kid. If you're not an outspoken only black kid, there you are - your own circle of quiet in the middle of the room.

So with one exception, I didn't make any real friends until college. I credit the boy in the dorm next door for helping me open up. He was the first person who said, "You're so loud!" I haven't seen him in years, but I can still see his face when he said it. He was leaning away from me a little and laughing. I love that kid.

Now that I'm adultish, I'm still your stereotypical Libra. I want balance everywhere. In social situations, I want everyone else to be happy and then I think about myself. This makes me a great party planner. This often results in me not even knowing what I want because I've never thought much about it. So in 2013, I'll explore. What's my favorite drink when I go to a bar? Do I have enough patience to waitress part-time? Baby steps.

Happy new year!

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