Thursday, September 27, 2012

I liked that illusion

A bug flew up my nose and then I got soaked by a downpour. I went running for the first time since the 5K. I also tried out my new shoes. They don't feel as good as my old shoes. What was I thinking when I tried them on? I'll break them in a little more, see what happens. They've got that new look right now, like I never exercise. It annoys me.

Got news of another no-go on the job interview front. I don't mind, but I feel useless.

I bought some glucosamine chondritin vitamins, which are supposed to help with knees. My body doesn't like it, and told me by necessitating miserable trips to the bathroom. When it was finally out of my system, I had a miserable run. Dehydration? Usually I feel positive after a run, but not that run. No more glucosamine chondritin for me.
Seems relevant. Note the mustache.
I'm somehow still depressed. I felt happy for a little when I did a couple hours of paid training on Tuesday, followed by a stop at the mall on my way back for some interview clothes. But that's it. I need more outside interaction. I have too many hours to be alone dwelling. It's bad when you spend a day waiting for it to be over. If I lived somewhere remotely urban, I'd go walking. If I go walking here, I still won't see any people. I free-write, convinced that later I'll be able to use all this sadness, this dissatisfaction to imagine characters at a depth which I hadn't before. Because of my tendency to read people primarily by their emotions and not their physical actions (unless they're really hot or really not), I have a hard time imagining what my characters look like. I'm a good observer of interactions between other people. But between myself and another person - I never know.

Outside, gray and clouds with changing falling leaves. I used to like days like this when I was busy. There was nothing so comforting as white car lights, as red or green or yellow traffic lights shining through a day where the overcast light looked the same at 10am and 1pm and 4pm. I liked the illusion of time standing still. Warm jackets and tea and coffee and friends and talk, going places, the dollar cappuccinos at Target. I love running, but it's solitary. I see such beauty in the woods. I see more groundhogs and squirrels and deer than people. I think I need people more than I thought. Or I've always had a touch of seasonal depression. It must be kicking in. Spring and summer are my favorite seasons, that's self-preservation.

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