I joke about endorphins making me happy after a workout, but it's true. Googled it. Endo- means coming from within, and -orphin references the god of sleep, Morpheus. I take that to mean that after a run, my negative emotions are put to sleep by chemical processes inside my body. I become this well of positiveness that uses exclamation marks (that actually has to limit my use of exclamation marks). I run in the afternoon, so this emotional high wears off sometime in the night. But I can't run everyday; and the days when I don't are when I can have a low day. Hence today. Somehow the dream + me belatedly realizing the fall equinox passed + job searching = angst and tears.
I have to say, I've learned about myself since July. I put off dating seriously for so long by being selfish and doing only what I wanted, that I suck at it. I know the word "selfish" has a bad connotation, but I can't think of another word that means that in my early 20s I put myself first. That's not something a woman in a relationship can do, especially when that relationship evolves to include kids. No regrets that I did what I wanted and moved where I wanted and avoided being tied down to keep things uncomplicated. So I think this break up is sticking with me because it made me realize that I'm now at the point where I'm ready to be in a serious relationship, but I have no clue how to go about doing it. If I'd realized this while dating Bud, would it have made a difference? I'll never know.
|A meadow at the Henry Cowell Redwoods State Park, near Felton, CA.|