Monday, September 24, 2012

On selfishness & chemical processes

Low day on the roller coaster. Just when you think you're done with someone, you dream about them and realize the version of them you have in your head won't leave you. Thanks a lot subconsciousness.

I joke about endorphins making me happy after a workout, but it's true. Googled it. Endo- means coming from within, and -orphin references the god of sleep, Morpheus. I take that to mean that after a run, my negative emotions are put to sleep by chemical processes inside my body. I become this well of positiveness that uses exclamation marks (that actually has to limit my use of exclamation marks). I run in the afternoon, so this emotional high wears off sometime in the night. But I can't run everyday; and the days when I don't are when I can have a low day. Hence today. Somehow the dream + me belatedly realizing the fall equinox passed + job searching = angst and tears.

I have to say, I've learned about myself since July. I put off dating seriously for so long by being selfish and doing only what I wanted, that I suck at it. I know the word "selfish" has a bad connotation, but I can't think of another word that means that in my early 20s I put myself first. That's not something a woman in a relationship can do, especially when that relationship evolves to include kids. No regrets that I did what I wanted and moved where I wanted and avoided being tied down to keep things uncomplicated. So I think this break up is sticking with me because it made me realize that I'm now at the point where I'm ready to be in a serious relationship, but I have no clue how to go about doing it. If I'd realized this while dating Bud, would it have made a difference? I'll never know.

A meadow at the Henry Cowell Redwoods State Park, near Felton, CA.

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