Friday, September 14, 2012

I don't want it

Two days in a row of bad sleeping. Last night I was nervous because I had to wake up at 6am and go to Philly. Cities stress me out. I went to bed 11:30ish and woke up 4 times. Usually I sleep straight through, unless I do something stupid like drink a water bottle right before sleeping. Who drinks water?-so last year. Did you know it's black dark at 6am? It is. It is. It really is.
The night before, I killed a spider that's been in my bathroom growing bigger and bigger for the past month. So of course I dreamed that this guy killed a spider and then whenever he stepped on the grass, bugs came out, and if he didn't kill them right away, they merged into bigger bugs and kept merging, until he had to kill the really big bugs to survive. Do not attempt dream interpretation; I don't want it.

I didn't run distance for a week and wow, I was ready for it today. I listened to my iPod for the first mile and a half, then just the sound of my steps on the gravel. Those steps are a lot louder than I thought. I started running to music so I didn't hear the haggard sound of my own breathing. Today my legs were sore from biking, but my breathing was regular. With all the miles I've put on those running shoes this summer, steady breathing shouldn't surprise me, but I still feel like I'm not really in shape. I am in shape - the feeling like I'm not is a body image issue. If anyone mentions that I look good or am fit, I think they're just being nice. I think they said that because they see some weakness in me, so they need to make me feel better about something, and the obvious something is outward appearance. Even strangers notice that. Over-thinking. I need to learn how to take a compliment.

Is half of humanity plagued with body image issues? The other half has more important things to worry about.

Lately, I think I should reach out to Bud and make friends. As things stand now, I feel like he's afraid of me. Afraid of me doing what?. Hating him? Crying in front of him? Afraid of my presence inspiring guilt? I'm a Libra - I don't like it when people are afraid. This makes me want to either leave him alone if I inspire guilt, or reach out and call a truce if I inspire fear. If both, if none, then I don't know. Or do I only want to make myself feel better? I have no illusions - it wouldn't make me feel better. Sometimes I'm all yeah, I'll call him when I get home. And then when I get home, I don't want to call him out of fear. So does this mean I'm wrong to not call? Is acting out of fear always wrong?

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