Sunday, August 12, 2012

Inertia, but I grew up a little

Silly confession.  I thought that when all the topcoat on my fingernails wore away, it(meaning my latest relationship or meaning all emotion related to Bud) would be over. I looked down at my nails today and the last shining patch on my index finger had faded away.  Turns out it was over long before, but I'm stuck with the memories. They say don't remember the good times, or you'll never move on.  My problem is I can't stop rehashing whatever it was I did wrong.  But it was not enough time, not my fault.  But if only I'd been able to read his mind.  Ha!  This is the way I think.  Pathetic.  God, we really are hardest on ourselves.  I wouldn't call anyone else pathetic.  I'd tell them there's nothing to do but wait, pray, keep moving.

Today I put all the books I'm never going to read again into the back of my car to donate to the Goodwill.  I went through the stacks of scrap paper accumulated over my 2 years of M.A. earning, and I put them in the back of the car to recycle.  I put the suitcase I took with me to Cali into storage in the shed.  My summer's over - the trees are yellowing.  My friend's wedding is over.  School's over.  Friendships are over.  Heck, even the Olympics are over.  What am I doing wrong?  Why am I still unemployed?  That vacation was the highlight of my summer.  I was happy every minute of it.  I was far away, I was staring at another ocean altogether.  My problems were literally too distant to be dealt with, so I didn't even think about them.  Plus, everything was new.  I love to live in new places.  I discover short-cuts and quirks of place and meet more people; I learn the way things work in different regions.  I won't live in the same state the rest of my life.

But I feel stuck.  I think that's why I wanted a relationship, mostly because I liked Bud, but also because I wanted a distraction from my inertia. I wanted dating him to start me moving forward. I've learned - don't stop moving.  Why else did I want a relationship? To see if my personality was developed enough to not lose myself.  To see if I could lean on someone and still be independent.  I like to feel wanted. I wanted to make a connection.  I wanted to try something different.  And now it's been exactly 1 month.  I'd like to start a relationship with a different guy. No guy comes to mind.

Observation.  During a relationship, I exercise and eat right to keep my body healthy.  I never "let myself go." Is this a reflection of a lack of trust in the relationship or of low self-esteem?  Also, since breaking up with Bud, I don't care about fashion much.  I no longer feel the desire to check 7 different fashion blogs daily.  I count this as a positive - I was getting too superficial.  I think I grew up a little.  One thing I hate about Bud, he's a wimp when faced with feelings, but I guess most men are.  Suck it up and get it over with.

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