Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Things I used to want

I'm only 20-something, but somewhere between high school and college graduation my body decided to give me knee problems. Nothing major, just pain if I run on pavement on a regular basis. I know God gave us aspirin, but I refuse to take on the burden of keeping the pharmaceutical industry in business. So I run on trails. This goes on until my knees hurt anyway, while doing such things as walking down inclines, down stairs, down everything. To fix this, I rested for a few days and then I stopped running downhill. This works so far. But even though my distance is longer than a 5K, I get too many breaks. How far am I actually running? Yesterday, I tested my endurance by adding a loop (about a mile) and hoping I got 5K of actual running in.  I don't want to suffer on 9/23, now dubbed 5K race day.  If I do move out in the near future, let it be to some place near a park full of mostly flat unpaved trails. Then I'll see how far I can go.

Good news on the job front - I got a phone interview! Relief - I was starting to get all despair-y. I said the other day that I have mood swings, not emotions lately, and that's largely because of the uncertainty. Life is wide open right now; no particular location to move to, no reason to stay or leave, no particular job that I want, no clothes I want. I didn't even really want the smartphone; I was fine with my old phone. So that's the trouble - I don't have a thing to want.  I mean, I want to stay fit, so I'm running.  I want to lose 5lbs, but I'm working out and eating well so there's nothing more I can do there. Things are best to want, because they are achievable, like degrees for instance. Maybe I was so upset about Bud because he distracted me from this realization. There's nothing I can do about it. I can't tell myself how to feel.

Things I used to want:
to run a fashion blog
to have a boyfriend
the perfect white t-shirt
the perfect chambray shirt
to publish a best-selling novel

Okay, I still want the perfect white t-shirt, but the other things I don't want anymore. I want a relationship, not a boyfriend. I figured out which clothes look good on me, so I'm not obsessed with fashion. I found my chambray shirt last March. I don't care if my novel is best-selling (or even published), just that I wrote it; and it doesn't even have to be a novel anymore.
I think I need to stop reading such melancholy books.  They influence my mood. Why are the  good ones so sad?
I was asked, would I rather, for the rest of my life, have every song I hear be by Nickelback, or have the lead actor in every movie be replaced by Nicolas Cage?

I chose Nicolas Cage. For me music > movies. What an evil choice to make. I hope it never comes to this.

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