Sandy

I love this.

I'm east coast, not far from Philly, so experiencing Sandy. I hope the power doesn't go out. Saw this picture on tumblr while listening to OSTs from Korean dramas. See all of the lights? It's beautiful.

I ran on the treadmill for the first time in a few years. It's easier than I remembered - there's a 5K button, so I  pushed that. Speed problems resolved. I got either a cold or allergies. Been sitting with a toilet paper roll because I used all the tissues yesterday.

No waltzing, so i tell myself we're in love...

Yesterday I got a call to schedule my first temp job interview, which was today at 1pm. I freaked out. This change thing. I don't want to do it. It's the two years I spent in grad school, getting used to things being all easy and regular. I've been near family so I have a great support system. But I think it's also a crutch. I hadn't lived anywhere near home since I graduated from high school in 2003, and being back is just so steady. That isn't what life is supposed to be.

But at the same time, I'm not the type of person that just goes out there blind without some sort of goal. Yeah, I've thought that I could just drive past the exit for my house, just keep going. Just drive.

But I need some purpose. Right I just have a vague idea that I want a job in my field (geography, GIS, environmental management). My field is soooo slow at doing any hiring. In my class, I know one guy who got a full-time job right away, before we graduated even. The rest are working jobs that don't relate to our field, or internships, or still looking. Am I stubborn for not caving in and going into sales? But I hate persuading people because people arguing at me never changes my mind, so why should me trying to manipulate them change their mind? Yes, I'm that stubborn. It's a good thing everyone isn't like me. Like my cousin said, I'll just go work at Dunkin Donuts. I like donuts.

Who doesn't want just a bite of this? Not the whole thing. Just a bite. Just to see.

I keep flipping back and forth on the PhD thing. The people I've asked are divided 50/50 on whether I should go back to school. Some say it's a waste of time. Some say I'm bookish so why not (this last I find vaguely insulting, but it's true). Sadly, I can't find a program I want to apply to. And if I have to ask, then maybe I shouldn't. But what if I want to by next August and then I have to wait a year before I can go? So that's why I need to take the GREs, but while you're taking them is when you tell them where to send your scores and I don't know where. See the circular nature of this dilemma? All I have to do is figure out what I can stand doing long enough to get a PhD in it. All I have to do...

I thought my car was dying again, but it only needed power steering fluid. So it got some. The trouble is, that means power steering fluid is leaking from somewhere. Yes, my Ford is from the last millennium. And, that just made it sound even older.

For my birthday, my grandfather and one of my uncles went into Kohls and each bought me a $25 gift card. The image of these two men (who spend time welding things and often have mud on their pants) walking into a Kohls cracks me up. I haven't been there in ages, but I'll find something good. My priorities are a fall jacket and the perfect white t-shirt. I've been burned on the white t-shirt thing time and time again, because I have big boobs. The silhouette just isn't right, and if I don't wear a fitted top, I just look like a box above the waist. I used to desperately try and exercise away my boobs so I could pull off the slouchy-casual-glam look that only A/B-cups can pull off. I've since accepted that slouchy-casual-glam isn't for me unless I want to look 4 sizes bigger than I am.

Don't tell me you never wanted to look this cool.

Anyway, after suffering a sharp (yet relatively brief compared to this summer) depression b/c I can't have an academic schedule anymore, I went to the temp interview. To cheer myself up, I sang to Top40s on the radio the whole way (still can't listen to the sad songs...). Even though it was gray and cloudy today, it was good to drive fast down the highway and know my car wasn't going to break down. That car may be a cranky teenager, but we've been together 5+ years. We're comfortable. And it's not like new cars just waltz into your life like people do, so I tell myself we're in love...

looking and looking and finding

Is this childish -
There's something I like about the number 23. Is it because it's prime? I remember numbers and fiddle with number patterns in my head though, so there's probably not much to it. I once read a book where this religious character was obsessed with finding meaning from numbers in the Bible, which is easy since all the verses are numbered. This was a novel, so he dramatically took it way too far and screwed up his kids. What is it like to live constantly looking for omens in all the numbers? And then each culture has different ideas about which numbers are good. I was taught that 7 is good because it's in the Bible somewhere. But in Chinese/Korean/Japanese culture 8 is the best number, hence the Beijing Olympics start date of 8/8/08 and even my favorite Korean rapper G-Dragon getting an 8-star dragonball tattoo (and yes, he was born in '88, the year of the dragon). And then I heard that 4 is unlucky (it sounds almost like the word for death). 13 is taboo in the US. All those rock stars keep dying when they turn 27. I'm not even going to get started on colors. On dream interpretations. On names.

I once wrote a research paper on omens in the ancient Near East, so I know that this desire to find meaning in random occurrences/combinations is at least as old as human civilization. Although ancient omens were sought in the pattern of sheep guts and other entrails. Divination. Portents. All iffy stuff. Each type has rules, but is open for interpretation. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to see patterns in the tea leaves at the bottom of my cup. No luck - I must be drinking the tea wrong or something.

So what is it about humans that when we look for significance, we find it? I doubt signs, but intuition has served me well. Take Bud, I knew that wasn't going to work out, but it took my brain a while to spot the reasons why. And yesterday I was completely validated because he's still in love with his ex-girlfriend. And if past relationships have taught me anything, it's respect for someone who can't get over someone else. It literally took me years to get over my college love, but I didn't go around dating other people to try and get over it. I kept my misery to myself, thanks. I knew there was nothing another guy could do for me. Just time. I hope Bud realizes that, but for guys, trying to get over it is hooking up with other girls. So can this be the one and only time in my life I'm one of the other girls?

Practical note - I need to eat more. I went running and my breathing was fine, but my legs were weak. Nooooo.

I want the kick

So tired. 5K at 8am this morning. Tired because I've been getting 10 hours of sleep for the past week, but last night only about 6. I can't nap because I'm too lazy to take out my contacts and put them back in. Plus, there's a party at my place in an hour. Oh, but I just want to sleep.

Just let me sleep here.

Despite getting beaten by an 8 year old girl (and a 9 year old girl), I think the 5K went well. You can see the race results here. To save you the extra step of clicking, I ran a 28:21 race, which works out to a 9:08 pace. The first mile felt like nothing. I picked a person to be my pacer and stuck with her (until the last quarter mile when she still had a kick left and I had nothing). This was an out-and-back race, so I got to see the leaders coming at me after they turned around - two guys, so fast! Gray shirt and red shirt, wound up with 5:26 pace. I ran track in high school, so I've seen a lot of guys with their body type (tall, thin, medium frame). They're practically made for distance running if they have the willpower. I thought these two were in high school, but they turned out to be 23. It's good to be young.

So I made it through a 5K without stopping once (thanks, flat paved trail). Reader, I think I can still run faster. The fastest mile I ever ran was 7:06 or 7:08 back in high school, and women peak physically in their mid-30s, so I've got time. I just need to figure out a way to keep my pace in the end, because I seriously slowed down in the last quarter mile. If I hadn't, I would have been under 28 minutes.

Also, I joined Planet Fitness, thanks to a deal courtesy of the friend I ran the 5K with. I love running outside, but soon a time will come when it rains all week, or when the park trails are covered in snow and ice. Plus, I need some socialization. As long as I run outside at least once a week, I think my breathing should stay okay. While I'm still running outside, I'll drop by my new gym once a week.

*With respect to Bud, my new I'm over it attitude actually works. I'm surprised.

Hula hoop'n it

Sissy gave me a new hula hoop for my birthday! I'm happy about this because:
1)My old sparkly purple one leaks water.
2)The new one is smaller so I have to work harder.
3)Hula-hooping shrinks inches from your waist.
4)The new one is orange with sparkles in it and it lights up.

Tomorrow morning is another 5K. I think it's on pavement, which will kill my knees for the next week, so not exactly looking forward to it. I love trail running. If it wasn't for the fact that it's a friend's first 5K, I wouldn't go. Just hoping I can jog in the grass on the side or something. It's still my birthday week, so I'll just try and live it up.

So far my resolutions to only move forward in year 27 have worked. But introspection and apparently Unitarian sermons(?) still make me tear up.

I'm trying to make this brown leather lace up calf length boots work. I've had them for about 6 years. I tried a tumblr thread, but got a surprising amount of porn. I usually go for classy, so how can I make these work...

I still love you, October

The first day of my new year, and I have made resolutions. It's basically my new years. I will stay fit. I will go "out" at least once a month. I will work to release myself from my expectations.

So I realized this was true of me. I don't think it's bad to have goals, but I need to stop thinking that because I'm a certain age, I need to have certain things accomplished by now. I can't change my entire way of thinking overnight, but can try to change it over the course of this year.

I have decreed that this year, I will go to a Halloween scary night affair at an amusement park. It's supposed to happen the weekend after next. I hate watching violence in movies, but I will pay strangers to scare the crap out of me. Seems hypocritical. I think I like haunted house rides because I know that even though scary things pop out, there won't be any violence and it's all fake. Now why I can't tell myself that movie violence is fake, I don't know. I take that back. I know. Because a movie is a depiction of an alternate world, and in that alternate world, the violence is real. I have an active imagination.

So be careful what you imagine.

My shoes came from 6pm.com's 10/11/12 $13 sale. They put a lot of their clearance shoes on sale for $13. I got one pair. There were a lot of sky high platform heels, but I'd never wear them outside of the house. Maybe if I was gainfully employed. 6pm.com is a good website for shoe deals, if you check it frequently. They have these 24 hour sales that can be awesome. I got some beautiful leather boots from there for $45 a couple years ago (original price was over $200).

Reflect- before I'm another year older

Today is the last day before my birthday. I've been 20-something for a while now, and I'll still be 20-something for a few more years, but wow. When did it get to be only "a few more years?" Just to tease me, people keep assuming that I'm turning 30. In contrast to them, my sister screams at me (aka threatens me) to enjoy it. She also screams at me to be happy no matter what the situation. Can I get a reaction somewhere in the middle of these two?

What I learned in the past year: How to run on a regular basis and not get shin splints. Writing anything of substance is no easy endeavor. I don't think the true depth or shallowness of a relationship will ever cease to amaze me. I may not go to church, but I am religious. Classic pieces trump trends and quality is everything, in clothes and in people. I should never own a dog. I will always cringe (mentally, physically) at violence in movies, tv, media, etc. To save on heartache, run from any guy who keeps mementos of his last relationship out on display. Relationship angst is a great workout motivator. Seeing James Morrison live is worth doing again. While frustrated during thesis writing, I learned Hangul (the Korean alphabet), although my vocabulary is limited to common K-drama phrases. I read way more fiction than the average person. Lastly, there's nothing quite like a well-dressed man; by that I mean his clothes actually fit. I love spring, summer, and fall.

What will I learn in the next year? It could be the year I finally master walking in pumps.

Maybe I will someday not walk right out of these... (Charlotte Olympia)

Lipstick those PhDs

BB cream. Today I finally googled what that is, turns out it was invented by a German woman in the 60s and made popular in Asia by South Korean actresses in the 80s. I've probably seen it referenced in a K-drama and just missed the reference. I was blessed with pretty good skin, so I don't have any BB cream, but then I'm a "clothes > makeup" kind of girl.  Also, "shoes > makeup," and even "food > makeup." However, I took a friend to Ulta, and 45 minutes in there got me thinking. I also bought some fantastically fuchsia lipstick called something like desire or temptress. I can't resist seductive names for lipstick and nail polish.

So seductive right? Makes you want to go mwuahhh.

The temping attempt is still an attempt. Haven't got anything yet, but maybe this means I'll have most of my birthday off. It's Tuesday. And I won't have to buy that gym membership just yet. The temporary temping failure has given me motivation to apply for jobs though. I was trying to stick to East or West Coast, but I'm at the point where I'd live in the middle. At least there are woods.

Lately my mom tells me I should go for my PhD. I'm tired of school, but I got desperate enough to look at programs yesterday. They made me feel exhausted. This morning my professor sent me a link to a comic strip about being in graduate school and the comic made me feel exhausted because it was true. Right now, I can't imagine summoning up the willpower it takes to go to school for at least 4 years. Yeah, I know I did after high school, but teenagers have more energy. I've always said I'll start my PhD in my 30s. I want to be in a stable relationship first. I've put relationshipping on the back-burner almost my entire life until this past summer. I'm not ready to devote myself to school again. That's how I am in school, single-minded (and so professors like me 9 times out of 10). I really don't think there's much chance of me going into a PhD program and coming out romantically attached. But what do I know? Only that I don't want to be 30-something and not have dated anyone for the past 5 years. I'm taking care of my future self. That means I'm also contemplating taking the GREs to keep my bases covered. I should be awesome at them since I spent 2 years training kids for the SATs. Same same, right?

I really want to get a job that I'm not overqualified for so I can forget about this and start a new adventure. Pretty please?

Halloween idea?

You should be dancing

I start a month-long temp job on Monday. When I got the call, I was politely excited on the phone. Then I got off the phone and was immediately slammed by a wall of depression. How am I supposed to stay in shape when I work 8-5? I can't run in the woods in the dark. I'm going to have to get a month-long gym membership and do the treadmill after work. I can't see another way around it. Apparently your 20s are supposed to be like this. It's not true that youth is wasted on the young; so much of youth is struggling, just like life when you're old. 

I picked up the bound copy of my thesis from the university library. Strangers keep telling me congratulations, you should be dancing, and I smile at them, but I haven't felt like dancing since about the end of June. My thesis looks just like the other theses. I shoved it onto a bookshelf. 

It was break at school on Monday, so I picked up a friend and we went shopping for makeup and bargain clothes. As we ate lunch/dinner (linner?/dunch?), she asked what I was up to and I admitted I've been depressed. She admitted that so was she. She's still in school, but afraid of not being able to get a job, etc. I think when you're sad you feel alone, and I'd forgotten that some of my friends aren't doing much better than me these days. We just don't talk about it. Hey, we live in a society where the language is "admit" you've been depressed. Note the implied shame.

I parked 3 or 4 blocks away from work and ran into abortion protesters by the Planned Parenthood. The protesters are usually there Tuesday mornings, so I'm used to them. I know they're Catholics because they pray with rosaries. I smiled and nodded at an old man who was blocking the crosswalk, and he asked me if I was going to school. High school? Were his eyes really that bad? I look younger than my age without trying. Please let it be that way my whole life.

Baby seal leather boots

I saw a crappy movie today. It involved animated traditional supernatural beings normally associated with Halloween who gather in an establishment that could be described as something like a motel, in order to party; however they're rudely interrupted by a non-supernatural being who also likes to party. The fabulousness of the animated movie Megamind has given me unrealistic expectations. I now think that all animated movies will be clever and unpredictable and full of clever quips and awesome soundtracks. No so, although this movie did make a jab at Twilight; but that's so easy. This movie gets negative points for reading just like the traditional 90 minute movie split into 3 acts of  about 30 minutes each. Yeah, I took a screenplay writing class in college. And what.

I love the title character. I've seen this movie more than 10 times, and I will watch it again.

I was holding out hope that the forecast would change, but tomorrow's 5K is really off. What am I supposed to do with my Sunday now? I may wake up super early and run before the rain starts, just to make myself feel better. The park gates open at 8am. Or I could go to the high school, jump the track fence, and run exactly a 5K, what is that 5000/400=12.5 laps. I've got options.

I can never get a dog. I dog-sat today. Must I pet you once every 5 minutes? Must you follow me with your eyes when I stand up to get a drink of water? Must you put your head on my leg and drool onto my pants when I eat a saltine cracker? Must you bark at the sound of a car horn on TV? Must you - when I fail to pay adequate attention to you - overturn the trashcan, pull out a tissue, and commence to shred it? I don't need that.

Metagenic

I interviewed with the temp agency today. Fingers crossed.

Ran again. I increased my pace, so running felt good and didn't feel good. I didn't eat enough before running, so I didn't tackle the giant hill at the end. I need to get my diet together. I eat healthy foods, but not enough variety and too few of them. Is there a cookbook out there for people who don't like to cook? Preferably with few ingredients... but yes to spices.

An old Star Trek Next Generation episode came on television and I heard some old guy talk about metagenic torpedoes. At first, I swore metagenic wasn't even a real word. Then I googled it:

So this is a weapon that has the power to make whoever is hit by it have asexual kids, who will have sexual(?) kids, who will have asexual kids, who will have...

The 5K is a no-go due to weather. The race isn't cancelled, but the friends aren't willing to run it in the forecasted daylong downpour. Also, I don't own running rain gear.

Running + temping + coffee = climbing up?

I was wrong about climbing out of the pit of despair. Turns out I crawled up onto a ledge. I woke up, finished Malamud's The Natural, and sometime after breakfast rolled off the ledge and about halfway down. But I went running, and this time the endorphins worked their magic, and pushed me up and out again. I tried to run at race pace today because I realized I've been running really slowly. I should buy one of those gadgets that looks like a watch, but tells you things about your workout. I ran slightly shorter than 5K distance, but with more hills. I like hills right now. Those are the words of a crazy person, but I appreciate the surmountable challenges in my life.

I put in my resume for the temp agency that Sissy uses, so I'll start working on the regular soon. If graduation and resulting joblessness has taught me anything, it's that I need to work. See, at first, I didn't really mind feeling depressed because I haven't been for a while. I figured I'd remember what it was like. I figured I could get some great writing material out of my own misery. But I've taken it too far. I'm approaching the point where I can't handle it anymore. In the car I have to drive around listening only to upbeat party songs - I can't handle the sad or even introspective tunes. In the company of good friends, a sudden attack of the blues hits and I have to remind myself that I'm happy. This is a problem.

I read that drinking a cup of coffee an hour before working out helps you lose the weight faster. I've never heard this before, so I'm skeptical. Opinion? I've been losing weight for 4 years now, so I thought I'd read all the tricks. I do like coffee though.

Nothing like the feel of one of those to-go paper cups.

After the singing cow ride

Took a blog break because an epic bout of moodiness hit. Let me paint the picture. On Saturday, I borrowed Sissy's car to go ride roller-coasters with my friend. One and a half hour drive there (or it would have been without the tourist traffic), one and a half hours back. I like road trips and the longest I've ever drive in one shot is 13 hours, so this was an easy trip.

At the amusement park, we paid an exorbitant parking fee ($12), then trolled around for a parking spot. I started fake crying from frustration and my friend very sensibly pointed out that we could park in one of those not-quite-a-spot parking spots, since Sissy's car is tiny. Problem solved. We hopped on the tram, and took in the sights.

New problem - everybody and their mama was there. Total, we rode 5 roller-coasters; we even bought the key chain for our pic in the last one b/c it was that good. Then we did the chocolate world singing cow ride, bought souvenirs, and left. Not 1 mile from the park, I got a Dunkin' Donuts coffee because I was in that tricky mental state when I'm deliriously tired and not quite awake, but jittery with excitement, and able to hold silly conversations and coherently sing along to the radio. We blasted said radio on the way back. I filled up the borrowed car as thanks, dropped off my friend, went home, and sat down to watch a Mean Girls rerun.

Sunday morning, I woke up at 6:51am. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I read Llewellyn's How Green Was My Valley until I got bored, then ate breakfast and went for a run. On the way home, I heard a Pink song (she's from Philly and has a concert coming up, so all I hear are Pink songs these days). Started crying, just like 4 tears, the pretty kind. Went inside to unlace my running shoes (the new ones - they felt fine, thankfully), and started crying for real. Not the pretty kind. I think it's best to let it out, so I did, but the gasping, can't really breathe, hunched over in a protective position crying is traumatizing. If I can help it, I will never see Bud again.

I still wasn't right on Monday. Stayed in bed until past noon finishing How Green Was My Valley. I think the book is a bit wise, but I won't see the movie. I tried to name a character Ivor once - had no clue that was Welsh. And in middle school I named a character Cadwallader. Le cringe.

I was okay today since I had to go into my old job for a few hours. I told the security guard that the street smelled like bacon. Fabulous fabulous bacon. He didn't believe me, but on my way out told me it was true, and the smell was fabulous. So I think I've climbed out of the pit of despair once again. It poured all day, so I didn't run, but I'll run tomorrow. I just hope I feel good after and not crappy like the last two times.

If it doesn't rain on Sunday, I'm running another trail 5K with two of my friends from high school. I can get excited about this.

I sympathize.