Thursday, October 25, 2012

No waltzing, so i tell myself we're in love...

Yesterday I got a call to schedule my first temp job interview, which was today at 1pm. I freaked out. This change thing. I don't want to do it. It's the two years I spent in grad school, getting used to things being all easy and regular. I've been near family so I have a great support system. But I think it's also a crutch. I hadn't lived anywhere near home since I graduated from high school in 2003, and being back is just so steady. That isn't what life is supposed to be.

But at the same time, I'm not the type of person that just goes out there blind without some sort of goal. Yeah, I've thought that I could just drive past the exit for my house, just keep going. Just drive.

But I need some purpose. Right I just have a vague idea that I want a job in my field (geography, GIS, environmental management). My field is soooo slow at doing any hiring. In my class, I know one guy who got a full-time job right away, before we graduated even. The rest are working jobs that don't relate to our field, or internships, or still looking. Am I stubborn for not caving in and going into sales? But I hate persuading people because people arguing at me never changes my mind, so why should me trying to manipulate them change their mind? Yes, I'm that stubborn. It's a good thing everyone isn't like me. Like my cousin said, I'll just go work at Dunkin Donuts. I like donuts.
Who doesn't want just a bite of this? Not the whole thing. Just a bite. Just to see.
I keep flipping back and forth on the PhD thing. The people I've asked are divided 50/50 on whether I should go back to school. Some say it's a waste of time. Some say I'm bookish so why not (this last I find vaguely insulting, but it's true). Sadly, I can't find a program I want to apply to. And if I have to ask, then maybe I shouldn't. But what if I want to by next August and then I have to wait a year before I can go? So that's why I need to take the GREs, but while you're taking them is when you tell them where to send your scores and I don't know where. See the circular nature of this dilemma? All I have to do is figure out what I can stand doing long enough to get a PhD in it. All I have to do...

I thought my car was dying again, but it only needed power steering fluid. So it got some. The trouble is, that means power steering fluid is leaking from somewhere. Yes, my Ford is from the last millennium. And, that just made it sound even older.

For my birthday, my grandfather and one of my uncles went into Kohls and each bought me a $25 gift card. The image of these two men (who spend time welding things and often have mud on their pants) walking into a Kohls cracks me up. I haven't been there in ages, but I'll find something good. My priorities are a fall jacket and the perfect white t-shirt. I've been burned on the white t-shirt thing time and time again, because I have big boobs. The silhouette just isn't right, and if I don't wear a fitted top, I just look like a box above the waist. I used to desperately try and exercise away my boobs so I could pull off the slouchy-casual-glam look that only A/B-cups can pull off. I've since accepted that slouchy-casual-glam isn't for me unless I want to look 4 sizes bigger than I am.
Don't tell me you never wanted to look this cool.

Anyway, after suffering a sharp (yet relatively brief compared to this summer) depression b/c I can't have an academic schedule anymore, I went to the temp interview. To cheer myself up, I sang to Top40s on the radio the whole way (still can't listen to the sad songs...). Even though it was gray and cloudy today, it was good to drive fast down the highway and know my car wasn't going to break down. That car may be a cranky teenager, but we've been together 5+ years. We're comfortable. And it's not like new cars just waltz into your life like people do, so I tell myself we're in love...

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