today's dusk is an odd blue light

When I went to San Francisco, I forgot my contacts. It's a relief to put them in and see my face again. Don't know what it says about me that I feels like glasses block my face more than makeup ever could. Now when I look in the mirror, there I am. I'm relieved. Contacts are a miracle.

Went to my grandmother's church this morning. I don't usually, but she wanted the family to light the advent candles. We are the slackers who show up a half hour late. It bothered me when I was younger, but now I'm more c'est la vie. And now church is calming. It's a relief to think about something other than myself.

Revelation: There's a reason church choirs repeat the same line over and over during a song. The first few times, I concentrate on knowing the words. Then, I get comfortable. The next few times, I'm so bored that I begin to evaluate whether I mean the phrase I'm singing. The (hopefully) last few times I either mean it, or descend into a half-conscious haze. Without the monotony of repetition, I'd never think about the lyrics.

Ran in the park. The woods are beautiful in the winter with no leaves. It was an overcast day when the light at 11am is the same as the light at 2pm and at 4pm. And dusk is an odd blue light that lasts mere minutes.

Looks like magic.

firsts, it's good to be back

Back from Oakland. Spent 12 hours traveling:
First red-eye flight.
First delayed flight (we sat, plane fully loaded, on the runway for an hour and 45mins).
First mad dash though ATL to make a connecting flight.
First time truly not minding landing/taking off.
I'm glad I always tie a ribbon around the handle of the luggage case, because they all look the same.

It's good to be back.

My photo of the twisty street in SanFran, aka Lombard St.
People actually live on it.

Going to see the midnight premiere of The Hobbit with both my sissies, even if it's freezing and I'm jet-lagged, because we're all LOTR nerds. Can I get an Elijah Wood sighting?

yellow a terrible amber

I took the GREs. So glad that's done. I was worried about getting lost on the way, but when I got off at the Conshohocken exit, I realized I'd been there before- summer 2011. I channeled my Frodo voice to mock his statement from the first LOTR movie- We've been here before! Yes, I have an irrational love for Elijah Wood. Fates that be, can we hang out one day (soon)?

I promise, he's tiny and interesting. Taller than me, so we're good. IMDb says he's 5'6 people.

Last post, I admitted that I'm petty. So of course I have a burning desire to know what Bud's scores were so I can be sure that I beat them. I'm pretty smart (but so is he), and I tutored SATs for 2 years (secret - same test), so there's a good chance I beat him. Why am I so petty? Ergh.

Here's a poem that I love:

Suddenly this defeat.
This rain.
The blues gone gray
and yellow
a terrible amber.
In the cold streets
your warm body.
Among all the people
your absence.
The people who are always
not you.

I have been easy with trees
too long.
Too familiar with mountains.
Joy has been a habit.
Now
suddenly
this rain.

--Jack Gilbert, Rain

That last stanza is me. For the past ... 3 years I was lalala life and nature; I hugged trees, I hiked, walks in the woods proved God to me again and again. Granted, I still do all those things, but the Bud thing made me refocus. Or made me realize that I was here with the rest of ya'll all along, that I have no hope of escape from all the bad and the mediocre, that joy comes from other people too, not just nature and solitude. So yeah, I can't be a writer yet, because I only know how to write and retreat. I'm so bad at multi-tasking because I forget I'm doing it, sinking into one passion to the exclusion of my other selves.

And how fantastic is poetry? I'm pretty sure Jack Gilbert is an old white guy who wrote this in the 1980s, but he knew how I'd feel decades later, because he felt it then. Miracle.

waiting for outlier status

I was so frustrated at my part-time job today that I wanted to cry. The only thing that stopped me from dissolving into spiteful self-pitying tears was the fact that I was surrounded by middle-aged men in cubicles. Luckily, right at the moment when I started whining and swearing at the computer, I solved the problem. Yay me?  Sissy says I should ask for some Midol and a Snickers. <--White Chicks reference. Now there's a movie that's so bad I watched it over and over again. My siblings and I now know the actor's lines better than the scriptwriter ever did. Other movies I enjoy include Major Payne, The Mummy Returns, Pride & Prejudice (2005), and the first LOTR. Judge away.

No one will admit to being this person.

I tried to force myself to crush on the temp job guy. Alas, I merely think he's funny and that we should be friends. Why is there no one I'm interested in? I also tried to force myself to crush on this guy who works at my gym, but I run outside mostly so I barely see him. At this point, I'm still more interested in Bud than anyone else, although that's just because I'm not interested in anyone. Don't worry - I accept the fact that Bud won't get over his ex for at least the next 2 years, ironically she is over him and won't take him back. (I think she's stuck on some other guy from before/during him.) That's not even a love polygon. It's just a line. A line I want out of. Waiting for outlier status. It's gotten better, so as long as time keeps doing it's job, I'm set. I confess that I'm super-siked for my friend's Christmas party b/c I'm going to look hot. I don't know if Bud's going, but I want him to so I can look better than him. The dude has no fashion sense; if he would only buy clothes that fit, he could go up like 2 points on the 1-10 hotness scale. Anyway, I'm petty, like that. But I'm trying not to build up this party in my head b/c I won't enjoy it for all the great people who'll be there.

Party, party, party, let's all get...

Does anyone else find themselves defending their ex to other people? Yes, I want other people to criticize any ex of mine because I'm awesome, so obviously there's something wrong with them, but I always feel like if I jump on the negativity bandwagon it could spiral out of control. So I defend.

rabbits, rabbits, rabbits

I forgot to say rabbits, rabbits, rabbits this morning. I usually forget, but today is the first time I stepped in (cleverly) hidden horse poop on my run. I blame the leaves. Today I ran with my phone and used an app to see how far I really go- 3.5 miles. If I add on the extra hill challenge in the end, then 4.0 miles. To save my knees, I walk the downhills (I'm such a granny). Poop aside, I love trail running. I've run in that park over 100 times since April and never once did I step in horse poo until today.

Because animals kissing doubles the cute.

Ask and thou shalt receive. I'm now losing 2 games in that word game you play with your friends. One game, I have no hope of winning. The second, I could still come back.

I take the GREs on Wednesday. Mleh. I'm flying to visit friends in Oakland for about a week on Thursday. What clothes do I pack? I must run once while there to stay in shape. They're foodies.