late to the Lent party (not Catholic anyway and you can't make me convert)

I said I'd apply for this job tonight, but I don't have the password. It's at work. Going to have to apply during my lunch break. Ha! Like I'm going to get one of those at the rate things have been going this week. Today I only had time to choke down some chicken soup and then I took one bite of my string cheese and had to put it down for a phone call. What would B say? She would have said to let the phone ring. I should have done that, but I feel compelled to answer since I'm the only one doing any of the budget stuff. So it's scary to apply for another job when the office I'm in now is in such a tumultuous stage. Anyway. Trying to rework this resume but soon I'll give up and go to sleep.

So tired. Going to set my alarm for 7am since that's when I'll get out of bed anyway. I've had to up the biotin because it's so dry, but that's fine because the bottle says I could take 5 a day if I wanted. One has been enough, so I only upped it to 2. There's no reason for me to develop an intolerance to it and have to take even more.

On my immediate shopping list (besides the ever-present food) is: black socks. My shoes require them and I don't have them. My feet are always cold. I think the heater stopped working for the lower heat - you know how you can direct it to your feet? Yeah, when I do that I just get cold air, so I've stopped bothering. Basically from the moment I leave my apartment in the morning, that's when my feet are cold. In the car my hands ache because of the steering wheel. How are the homeless people doing this? I hope they're able to get to a shelter where they're warm and safe.

Lent has started without me realizing. I'm not Catholic, but I'm some weird kind of Methodist that does Lent every year. It's only day 2. What can I do to exercise restraint that isn't foregoing hot water for 40 days? That just isn't happening. How does that not make a person sick? I could do the thing I did one year and not watch tv unless I'm hula hooping. I could give up dramas, but that wouldn't be a super hard challenge as I'm not addicted to any right now. I'm still working on my New Year's resolutions, but I can't do the swim one yet anyway. What was the other? Oh yeah, okc. I don't know how I've gotten so messed up, but for a long while now the people I find most attractive are similar to me in terms of background, ideology, priorities, etc. All these okc people who aren't at least an 80% match, well I believe in numbers and don't bother to respond. And then there's the ones you just stay away from because your momma told you and so did your friends and then that was your experience too.

I want to be warm again. I have to steel myself when it's time to go outside. Not cool.

snow day party of one, waldo

I'm one of those people who needs to go to work, rather than work from home. The reason? I'm way too happy with the party of one I'm having today, and the party is made even better by the fact that I haven't worked for the past 3 days thanks to the long weekend. I have all the food I need. I get to look out the window. I get to stand up and walk around in fleece-lined tights, a t-shirt, and a hoodie. What I have taken away from this day is that I want more fleece-lined tights. Oh how I wish I knew where my mom got these from 2 years ago. That's the thing about presents where your relatives cut the tags off before giving them to you.  Maybe these are it?

Help me, I'm scared to get on okcupid because how do I wade through the ocean of people to find the right one? I'm not a person who believes in one soulmate, rather I believe that multiple people could be the one for you, but you'll never run into all of them. So I'm trying to get lucky enough to run into one of them. Hardest Where's Waldo ever.

Is Waldo even a real name? Never met any Waldos. Wait, there's Ralph Waldo Emerson.  Okay. It must be a real name then.

first code red of the year

My apartment is so much nicer in the day with all the light coming in than when I normally see it - before dawn and just before dark. The snow meant a code red at work, so the center is closed and I still get paid. So I'm home for the last day of a 4 day weekend! I've actually been kind of productive - cooked cornbread muffins, did the dishes, have a load of laundry in, read 4 Healer recaps in an attempt to relive the magic, watched 4 hours of HGTV in the background, sipping my second cup of tea, shoveled out my car from the powdery snow, am defrosting 4 chicken breasts to make soup later tonight, did Ed Sheeran karaoke on my tablettie, paranoidly checked my work email just to be sure I didn't dream the code red. I'm in a mood where I cook more food than I need solely for the sake of trying new recipes. These usually last a few days.  I still have plenty of mini pot pie leftovers and the bbq pulled chicken. I need to force myself to change the sheets in the next few minutes, then wash my hair, and write a few blog bosts and all will be accomplished. I'm naturally more cheerful in the face of so much sunlight.

When I go up to PA to get my wisdom teeth out, must remember to bring back the books I left in random places so Michelle will have more room in her room, which I think is the best room in the house because it gets the morning light and turns it golden - go corner rooms.

Had a good talk with AJ last night. We're going to try to meet up before she starts an intense accelerated nursing program in late March. After that, she'll be able to get a great job. I'm happy for her, but I know that I won't be able to see her much until she's completed the program. She's been working towards this for a while, so I'm glad she has a sense of purpose, professionally I mean.

Regarding online dating, well no bites. If I ever do get one again, here's hoping he's awesome. MC thinks I dodged a bullet with the last guy - she's probably right!

real pot pie

So I think the first ok cupid guy must have been a fluke. I mean, it was just so easy to meet up with him, and now I was on for one day and no bites at all. How am I supposed to date if there aren't any dates?

It's already snowing. I fully do not expect to go to work tomorrow. If there isn't a code red, I'll actually be kind of screwed, because there's no way I'll be able to get to work at the rate my apartment complex shovels out. So it'll be me shirking my duties. Not good. Today I only slept in, read War and Peace, and then went to Aldi. I cooked mini pot pies that turned out nothing like a real pot pie, and then put a pulled chicken recipe in the crock pot. We'll see how it turns out in 6 hours.

Yesterday for the first time ever I made pot pie. Well, mostly my friend made it. It's not as hard as I thought. The key is that I need some pie tins. And then you just cook the stuff on the stove first in chicken broth, add flour to thicken it and that crust really is magical. Can't believe that I didn't come to like pot pie until I was 20. Anyway, the baby didn't remember me at all! But I guess that's fair since I hadn't seen him in months. Soon I'll be that crazy auntie who tells you how she used to play with you when you were little and you have no memory of it so you just smile and nod because she wants you to remember. I already kind of do that with my one cousin, but the difference is I've known her constantly her whole life so there are just years that she can't remember. At least I won't get that blank look of no recognition from her. It makes me feel sad.

More and more I'm thinking of downsizing next year. I don't need an apartment this big, although I must shamelessly admit that I'm using all the closet space. I'll give the twin bed back to Mom and Pop, unless I can somehow disguise it as a second couch. Maybe a design magazine could help there. 32 days left of tv and a home phone line. Then no more bundle package for me! I'm not the most tech-savvy person, so learning to work hulu and netflix on my tv may be more than I can handle. I can see I'm going to have to google it.

My kindle tells me I'll finish War and Peace in about 2 and a half hours. Honestly, it's getting a bit boring in the end because it's not really about the characters but about the troop maneuvers at the end of the Napoleonic Wars. So dry and not the reason why I read fiction. Is this the February blues? Help me, Rhonda - help help me Rhonda!

5-6 days, and my appetite came back

It should come as no surprise that I'm still reading War and Peace.  Only 7 hours left now, according to the kindle. This is one of the rare cases in which I think reading it on the kindle is better, simply because I don't have to lug the print book around. And also I can forget about how far I've read. I'm treating it like it will never end basically. That Tolstoy.

In other news, it's back to okcupid. Fail was... well I could have seen it coming. After the initial novelty of dating someone wore off, the guy I was dating well he rolled his eyes a lot. I could ignore that. But then how could he not love SH?! Or even be civil and answer a simple question as to what you do at work without sarcasm? Turns out he either has no respect for me, or is a coward because he decided to cut off all contact and not have a discussion. After all that talk about handling relationships in a mature way... Hoping this next go around, I find someone less orn'ry. Fingers crossed. Going to force myself to get on for an hour every day. That site forced me to pay for two months, so I my as well get my moneys worth in heartbreak and disappointment. Okay, being dramatic. More like hurt feelings that take 5-6 days to recover. This is why I exercise and buy puffs plus with lotion. I can do that again until I find someone I click with more.

The verdict is in: all 4 wisdom teeth must come out. Boo. Hiss. The big day is in exactly 2 weeks. I've never been given an IV to put me out of my mind before. Scared, but kind of reassured that I won't remember. I hope there are no complications and that I just need to deal with the pain of recovering. Going up to my parents' to have it done. I'm in my late 20s, but my mom is still upset that I have to go through it. I was touched when she said that. Made me understand what my co-worker said about wanting to have boys instead of girls because of all the physical pain women have to go through in their life.

February war and peace

Feeling down so far this February. Mostly because my wisdom tooth removal consultation is scheduled for one week. And because work is well... work. Not exciting. The same things are happening with different variations and I don't think I'll ever get a raise, despite the fact that I'm doing more than is in my job description. The initial sense of freedom I got by saying goodbye to SC forever except strictly has friends has faded. The only thing he had going for him was sheer stubborn-ness, which I have too, so whatevs.  Maybe Emily said it best -

There's a certain slant of light
Winter Afternoons –
That oppresses, like the Heft
Of Cathedral Tunes –

Heavenly Hurt, it gives us –
We can find no scar,
But internal difference –
Where the Meanings, are –

None may teach it – Any –
'Tis the seal Despair –
An imperial affliction
Sent us of the Air –

When it comes, the Landscape listens –
Shadows – hold their breath –
When it goes, 'tis like the Distance
On the look of Death –

Emily Dickinson of course. When I leave work, I step into the long hallway and a slant of yellow light shines on the brown/gray carpet. I thought of the first few lines of this poem. February is hard.

I'm about 68% of the way through War and Peace. Only 8 and a half hours left, ya'll. All the war is taking a toll on me. I think about French-speaking Russians and Napoleonic wars and hope Prince Andrew doesn't die and does forgive Natasha and marries her, even though she was an idiot. I think about how war has stayed the same and why are all these people dying. After the first 100 or so pages, this book became addicting. I'm addicted. I'm seeing it through. I read that it devolves from story to philosophical meditation towards the end. Hope I can hang in there.