pabo stooopid

This is probably the third Saturday in a row where I have done nothing outside. I meant to go out - I really did. But it was 5 degrees out there. It was even cold downstairs. So I put on an extra jacket and then I never did go out.

Going to SH's superbowl party tomorrow. I have to bring a dish. I'm going to make EGW's turkey meat ball recipe and hope it works out. I checked and I have all the ingredients. I do need to get some more gas though. I invited R to go with me and I don't think it's fair if I make him drive. He can just sit back and navigate or something.  I was all fired up to go to Burlington Coat Factory and buy clothes, but eh. I should really just pay off my baby loan. I did the math, and paying off the rest of it in one lump sum will save me almost $4K and 4 years in the long run. Must evaluate bank account. I also did some more writing, but not that much. I need to get to a scene with Haejin actually in it. After I visualize him and completely make him  my own character, then I can watch Bad Guys too.

My phone is telling me that there's a text message that I didn't answer. There totally isn't! Is it just going to have a 1 forever by the messages? Stooopid.

Tomorrow morning, I need to buy: gas, chocolate chips, half and half. I can get all this from 7 Eleven and then from Target. I'd go to Weis, but Target is closer. As long as I don't detour to Hobby Lobby, I should be fine. I'm hardcore trying to resist Hobby Lobby ever since I went in there for Christmas shopping and discovered it's wonderful.

So on this last day of January, have I taken steps towards my goals?  Yes. I'm now 47% of the way through War and Peace on the kindle. It's easier to read on the kindle because I accept the fact that it's endless. In the book, it's been about 5 years. It's the Napoleonic Wars. 

I've started writing that Haejin story as well. Haven't progressed on that one as much, but I'm getting there.

And I did start dating someone I can respect. I think respect is very important, and the reasons that I respect people are because of how capable they demonstrate themselves to be in one context or another. I think I got lucky. Is it weird that all my relationship stats are 'breaking up is hard to do?' I actually think that sums it up, the painful nature of forming romantic relationships. At least it's been mostly painful for me. Always hoping that'll turn around though.

I haven't taken any swimming steps though. And I think those were all my goals.

One year, I will probably have goals to cut down on dramas, but not this year! I spent a large part of my 20s in love with dramas, since I was 21 in fact. Wow, so the better part of my 20s in love with dramas. I'm all caught up on the classics now, so unless modern dramas come along, I doubt I'll ever find myself marathoning show after show. The other day I realized it had been over 2 years since Vampire Prosecutor 2 came on. Where did the time go? And Song Joong-ki is going to be out of the military in a few months. Heol.

i failed to get chocolate chips after work

I keep forgetting to buy chocolate chips. Why??? I was just in the freaking grocery store. I want to make this recipe in a mug because I don't believe that it will work. But if it does work, it's going to be delicious.

My car looks really bad. There's salt all over it. It's a disgrace. If everyone else's car didn't also look like this, I'd feel really bad. Also, I can't see all the salt when I'm in the car, so I keep forgetting. I don't want to go to the car wash. Today I got to park in my boss's spot because he's in Ireland. I shouldn't get used to this. I also was at work for 9.5 hours. How do people do 10 hour work days?

Also, I am undermining myself with this new person because I'm trying not to be too dependent and seeming stand-offish. I suck. Also, how is Superbowl weekend this weekend? I keep thinking February is some far off time. But it's on Sunday, peeps. Sunday.

hair story, Healer, he stands

Just did my hair. I have to say, dating means that I feel the need to have it look nice now, and that means I have to do it once a week because it's so dry these days. I'm up to using 5 different products to get my hair under control via twist out: Palmolive coconut shampoo, Jane Carter conditioner, then Milk Protein & Olive Oil Strengthening Creme mixed with Shea Moisture Curl Enhancing Smoothie, and then Jane Carter Solution to seal the ends. The whole process from wash to the end of air drying takes about 3 hours. Today I watched a couple episodes of a Japanese drama in which a woman starts dating a 21 year old college student on her 30th birthday. To be fair, the kid is in love with her, so the main conflict comes from herself because she's never had a boyfriend before. Strangely enough, sex is never an issue, which is directly opposite to this novel called Eleven Minutes that I started yesterday and finished today. That book was basically a meditation on sex and prostitutes, but somehow still idealized. I wasn't a huge fan.

Anyway, I can't figure this specific guy out, but you can't really figure someone out when you haven't known them for a month yet. And after I said I was done with white guys, here comes number four. This would all be solved if I could just date Healer. Okay, so I don't mean that, but the man is gorgeous. Yes, I never cared about the actor in that Hero drama, and at first I didn't even see his pretty in Healer, but somewhere around the 7th episode, it clicked. Maybe it's just the role. I didn't think much about Jung Kyung-ho until he played Baksa Adeul in Heartless City. Now I just lust after him in every role in which he wears a suit. Very specific criteria, I know. He has a tendency to play roles in which I can't take him seriously, and at those times I lose all respect for him. So comedy is not his thing.

So why did I say I can't figure him out? Well is it worth not dating anyone else? Because I'm not. I can really only concentrate on one person at a time. And by 'concentrate' I mean think about when I'm not living the life I lived without dating. Now that SC is clear where he stands, he doesn't feel the need to text every day. He should just find somebody else, but he whines that it's hard. Well of course it's hard or you wouldn't appreciate when you finally do find someone who wants to find you too. If this new guy is the one I want that would be nice to stop all this looking, but I don't have many illusions. If it hasn't happened in however many years, what are the chances that trend is going to change? Oh pessimism. But never fear. This is my confession blog. I'm going to rally and keep trying. I can't do anything else but keep trying.

end of a long mlk weekend

Ugh, I finally churned out three blog posts for EGW's website. It's a site about writing, so if you're interested you can check it out here: thearpblog.com. I hadn't written a post in a while, so I think it was harder than usual, but three is a pretty good number! I especially wanted to do it because I said I would on Friday, and because her birthday is tomorrow. I don't know if the card I sent will get there in time, but as long as she knows that I love her. We've been friends a little over 10 years now. Can this be one of those lifelong relationships?

Yesterday, I met up with two other friends who I've been friends with for 11 years - MW and AC. So awesome to be able to get together for dinner with both of them. We've been spread out over the US for a while, and we'll be spread out again when AC leaves us and moves to Philly for work in the summer, but until then I need to enjoy being near them. I actually wouldn't mind so much if I did stay in this area for a few more years. I can't imagine it would be in this apartment, but maybe I can find some nice suburb off the beaten path. Can't see myself as a homeowner either - mostly because of my inability to fix things - but that's what I would do.

The OKCupid date is going relatively well. I don't know how these things are supposed to go, really. I always feel like I'm a bit passive in romantic relationships because so much is uncertain. I'm not my regular decisive self because I'm not acting solely for myself. Does that make sense? Anyway, I guess there's no rush really. I just need to go out and do things with him. I was talking to one of my cousins on the phone today and wondering if I just wasn't used to how a relationship should go because of the past people I've been in a relationship with. Is there such a thing as a 'normal' relationship? And will I ever come across that? AC seems to think that I should be doing any of the text initiating, so I guess I'll stop.  It's not like I don't have stuff to do in any case. No use getting that dependent, but I've always trusted people very easily. Too much, probably.

i truly intend to make this

falling

A good ice skating date, but how much will my butt hurt tomorrow from falling 4 or 5 times? Oh half the times were because I was trying to avoid a child. Better I fall than them.

Lost an earring back. Boo.

he could have run that

So going to go on an ice skating date. Like a true nerd, I looked up how to ice skate on youtube yesterday. I think as soon as I get on the ice, I need to just plop down and fall. Maybe then it won't be so intimidating. I mean, football players fall all the time. Speaking of football, while doing my hair last night, I watched a playoff game between the Seattle and Carolina. I turned it on the second quarter and Seattle was winning, so I rooted for Carolina. Carolina so lost. So bad. And I was thoroughly impressed by Chancellor on Seattle. The dud jumped over crouching linebackers effortlessly. The highest thing I can effortlessly jump over is the curb. And also, while I was watching, the Carolina quarterback had the ball and all his receivers were blocked, so he just kind of stumbled and then fell. Without thinking I said, "he could have run that," and then the announcer said, "actually, he could have run the ball too."  Same same! I totally can keep up with football. It only took 20-something years, but whatever!

a seahawks thing from wearewirestone.tumblr.com

Went out to lunch on Friday with a coworker. We got Chinese food. It did not agree with me by about a half hour to 45min after I got back to the office. And ever since my body is rejecting food. I have little to no appetite. Will this get flushed out of my system soon? Hope so. Do I need to drink lots more water?

Also, back in October I went to the gyno and it was supposed to be under preventative care, so free, but they charged me $60. I'd been meaning to call them about it, but I totally forgot, and then in December, they gave me my money back. Yay! I just realized today when I had a nerd moment downloading an Excel file of all my checking account transactions from the past 18months. Filtering, man. So clutch.

Why Did I Leave the House in a Snowstorm?

When you work for a federal agency, you get telework days. Yay!

Source: akifumiiwao.tumblr.com

This telework day is deserved. I tried to go to work. Why did I leave at 8am during a morning rush hour snowstorm? By the second mile, I knew I should turn back, but... there was nowhere to turn, so I had to drive in a 6 mile loop. Those hills man. If you stop, you won't start again. Thankfully, I made it back. Thank you, God!  At one point, I was actually shaking from adrenalin. I could feel that the car had no traction and I was going uphill. At least when it all happens at 15mph, you have time to think.

Source: marialenasthoughtsoftheday.tumblr.com

the shape of the story

I am doing it! I now have my first date of the new year set up for this Wednesday. Another Ryan, although honestly I don't recall ever meeting a Ryan that wasn't hot, so win at least for that? I also haven't really met a Ryan I wanted to date though, so we'll see.

Also, I did write up what I have so far of the Hae Jin story. It really helped me see the shape of the story. Darcy is in it. I just love her.

she chewed that toy to bits

I turned on the tv while I was cooking and was sucked into a Downton Abbey marathon on PBS. Now I know why people were so addicted to that show.

2015 goals

So far I've got three goals for 2015:
Watch Old Boy (2003)
Type up my Hae-jin story - at least the outline of it
Take a swimming class - because we all know I'd drown

My immediate goals for January are:
Buy something at Kohls because that $20 expires tomorrow
Get the most of out this cupid thing - expires in a month
Send EGW a birthday card

Feelings about the cupid thing - it is hella overwhelming. When my friend told me she hated dating, well I get what she means. I can handle one or two, but there are too many. And what makes a 43 year old think I am going to even reply? I'm in my 20s, damnit! I heard this joke on Conan - for a Halloween costume, an older man should stand next to a young pretty woman and BOOM he's invisible.  Learn, men. Learn.

you are not this man

Hello, 2015

Maybe if I start with one resolution and stop at one resolution, then I'll actually remember what I resolved an do it. So this year's resolution is:

drumroll please

To take adult swimming lessons because, if tossed into the ocean, I will drown.