The Last Time We Met (2015)

Last day of 2015 - it was actually sunny.

Reminds me of autumn in the Blue Ridge Mountains

Now that I got that "new" job, I only had to work 4 hours. Yay for leave time as a present! I went to Target. I was going to grab a bottle of champagne from Total Wines, but the parking lot was too full. Maybe it won't be so bad the closer it gets to midnight. Anyway, I like the holidays, the feeling of work slowing as only the most important and pressing matters take over, which turn out to be relationships with other people after all.

When I went home for Christmas, SC texted me wanting to meet up. He "might" be free, which is what I hated about him. Just say you are or you aren't. Anyway, I said I'd catch him later, which I have no intention of doing. It's dawned on me that I don't particularly like him.

Last night I saw a different S who I of course love, SH! One of the only men in my life who I'd call a friend. Why don't I see him more often? Ah, that reminds me that I didn't finish that email to the other man in my life who I'd call a friend - CS. . . .done and sent. Anyway, dessert + card game + Samurai Jack made it good times, even if traffic was craaaap yesterday afternoon.

What behavior did I change in 2015? To say my feelings. In 2016, LC doesn't know what he's in for.

The Point of My Rants

I ranted to my boyfriend and then to my youngest sister about a work thing (leaving names out and putting only analogies in). I realize that all I wanted to hear was: "You're right. Why didn't (s)he just listen to you in the first place?"

This is kind of a revelation for me. Apparently I get really upset when people don't do what I say. In this case, it's not what I say, but what the company/agency says. So I'm right. Right? This is why I need to not have too much power. I'm like Vin Diesel's character in The Pacifier: "My way. No highway option."

checking in - Day 1 Christmas Shopping 2015

Be prepared - thinking out loud.

I started this blog because of a break up. Now I'm in a relationship (it's been a little over 7 months) and I don't write as much. Why? I like writing, so it's not because I only need inner turmoil to write - I think it's my tablet. On Black Friday weekend 2014, I got a new phone and with the new phone came a free tablet. So I didn't need to turn on the computer as much. And after a whole day on the computer at work, I don't want to look at a computer by the time I get home. To remedy this, maybe I should wake up earlier and write a little then, but who am I kidding - I enjoy waking up with the sun, but during daylight savings I'm already waking up before the sun just to get ready to work. We'll see.

I went Christmas shopping today - bought a magic bullet blender for MWF and a cover for my dad's motorcycle and a case/keyboard for MCF's tablet. But I walked into Marshalls and bought a coat for myself (using $100 bill that Mom gave me for my birthday) and also a gray French Connection sweater, a black blazer, and a 2016 agenda. That's what happens when I have a $10 gift certificate apparently. I can only smh at myself. At the motorcycle accessories store, the really cool looking saleschick asked me if I ride. She was decked out in black leather. She was so much cooler than me in my tan loafer and jeans.

It was a beautiful day today - I was walking around in short sleeves and a cardigan. This is global warming, isn't it? Yeah, I really doubt it will snow before the new year (knock on wood).

How are things going with my sigfig? Well. Some things are not ideal with my health right now, but hopefully after they're sorted out it will get much better. He's a keeper because he's still around while I'm healing. The things I've learned about my body in 2015. At least I know how to deal with my knees thanks to all that physical therapy.  We are going to Williamsburg, VA for a couple days, which should only cost us about $200 per person, and that's taking expensive gas and expensive food into account. The hotels down there are much cheaper than in Cape Cod or Ocean City.

The question remains - what am I going to do about Christmas presents for my non-immediate family? I can ask Mom about Nana/Poppi. Not sure about the cousin girls though. I'll need to get Muni something, and ImMcM wanted brown leather shoes. Hmm.  Is there some way that I can get KhMcM not to buy me a present this year? I know, I know - it's the thought that counts.

In terms of work - I have started my additional duties and all is good. It was a struggle at first and I had to put in a lot more hours than normal, but it's started to calm down a little. And now that it's December, let the Christmas parties roll in. I've already gone to one and skipped the center-wide party. Going to another one on Wednesday. Skipping my direcorate one because I'll be in Williamsburg. Oh, I meant to find a Christmas sweater from the thrift store this weekend - oops. And I just did laundry too.

What do I want for Christmas? Expensive earrings and the Jurassic World dvd. Yeah, that about sums it up.

I'm still doing the DuoLingo website - I've finished Spanish and now I just to maintenance exercises. I started Portuguese because it's similar to Spanish. I am going to be crap at speaking it. I think that Duolingo will release Polish in the next 6 months, and when they do I will try that so that I can talk a little with my sigfig. Should he get his own tag? The last time I wrote a blog entry I was super pissed at him. In the end, we went to Cape Cod and I was irritated some of the time. More than I usually am. But that's the most pissed I've ever been at him. I tell you, I was breathing fire.

How is living with my littlest sister? I miss living alone. Apparently I'm a neatfreak and she makes me nag at her. I didn't even think about the rules of my house because I am the only one living in it, but I've had to think about them with her. No eating upstairs. No drinking anything but water upstairs. Open the blinds before you leave for work. Ugh, I want to organize the room she's staying in and it smells funny. I wouldn't feel as if these were My Rules, but she's not paying me anything, so she doesn't really get a say. Now I know what those parents feel when they say "my house, my rules." They worked hard for that house!  My mom says it's a learning experience for both of us... she would say that. Got to love her.

Anyway, I hope Williamsburg goes well and that my health gets better in a hurry. Will make an effort to check in more - I'm going to be so entertained by this blog later in life.

the loveseat

The loveseat is too comfortable. Every time I sit in it I fall asleep. It doesn't matter if it's 5pm or 9pm or 10am. Why is this happening? Does this mean I'm not well-rested? That loveseat has a spell on it.

My man is in Europe and I miss him. He's so cute when he's sleepy. I also miss having friends who live near me. LB is about to move far away. Same state, just a lot farther than they are now.  Apparently I never was really friends with the other people in the running group, but I knew that. I miss MW and AC. It was fine when they lived around here. Why did Philly take AC?

Listening to the Redskins lose to the Giants. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they'll win. Idk my bff Jill.

It's the week of TV premieres. Please no Empire spoilers.

I think I need to trim my hair. The ends have fairy knots.

a month later

It's been a month since I last posted. My posting frequency slowed every since I got a tablet after Black Friday 2014 and also because my laptop is not a fan of being turned on these days. I keep it downstairs. We will make it to 7 years - I bought the laptop in Roanoke back in 2008.

What's new? Y is staying with me while she searches for an apartment. It's nice to have the company. I know I get set in my ways when I live by myself. It's still nice living alone and I don't regret doing it.  I had my last session of physical therapy for my knees this week. My knees are mostly healed, but it's also because I got the CS job and there will be a lapse in my health insurance coverage. About 2 weeks.

I'm right now on vacation because I took the next week off. It's the first vacation day I've taken since May 1 when I went to my youngest sister's art show. Yes, it's been a long summer. At some point in the middle I started to grow crazy for it, but then the crazy peaked and I was fine with not taking a vacation. This must be how corporations keep there people from taking long trips. Not that my trip is particularly long, but it is the first trip I'm taking with a man. Lord, I hope this works out. Rest assured, he's funny and caring, which is what I care about, so I think it will work out. He kept thinking I would cancel on him - do I not inspire confidence in men? Yes, I am independent. I can function without you. Is that a reason to have angst about whether I care about you? I do though.

before I forget

1. On my parents' 37th anniversary. Starbucks, then thrift store for books, then Indian food at Jewel of India
2. A week and 3 days later. Botanical Gardens, then Argentinian food that I didn't like
3. 4 days later, after work. Met at a park. First smooch(es).
4. 3 days later, the same park. Before his work. More smooches on a bench.
5. 3 days later, went to buy me new running shoes and look at glucosamine. This is before my physical therapy started. Went to a random diner.
6. 5 days later. He slept over. Just sleeping. I made him breakfast and we went to my local thrift store because the books are a quarter.
7. A week later. Went to the Luray Caverns. Day trip! I slept over afterwards. Just sleeping.
8. A week later. What did we do?
9. A week later. The park again. In the morning before his work. We decided to go on vacation together in late summer. There were a lot of older men in the park, trekking through the trees in outdoorsy clothes - a club event?
10. 9 days later. He came over after my work. His day off. He slept over. Just sleeping. Woke up early, but still got stuck in traffic a little.

We became official.

11. 10 days later. I went to his place. Chicken wings and appetizers after midnight. Slept over.
12. A week later. I went to his place. Slept over. In the morning, we went to a farm and picked blackberries.

In the works

I swear, the only reason why I don't write much anymore is because my laptop is slowly dying. It doesn't really like to be turned on these days. But I had to today for boring reasons.

Anyway, several things in the works:
1. I am now officially a girlfriend. Not sure if I mentioned this in the last post. LC is the boyfriend.
2. I sent out feeler emails to my girlfriends for my birthday in Vegas! So far 5 of them are in. Trying to put off the planning.
3. I applied to a CS job and had an interview. I think I'm going to get a job offer, but I'm sad about it because I really enjoy the office that I work in right now. There is a slight chance that I could get a job offer and stay in my office, but bureaucracy is what's making it a slight chance, so they say don't hold out much hope. I have to take the job even if it isn't in my office though, because it's an excellent career move.
4. I am now down to 1 PT appointment a week because I'm able to run without pain. I just have to keep doing my exercises every day to keep up my leg strength.
5. I'm learning Spanish again. The DuoLingo app has made me able to create sentences much better than those classes in school ever did. The school classes gave me a vocabulary and the ability to conjugate verbs, but that's it. My pronunciation is still horrible.
6. I'm supposed to be buying EZ Pass, but I keep putting it off.
7. I'm supposed to be planning a Cape Cod late August vacation with LC, but I also keep putting that off because I am tired and it's hard to do if he's not in the same room.
8. My laptop is slowly dying, but I really hope she holds on. She'll be 8 in November!

Random good news:
1. James Morrison is going to perform his new songs in England at the end of August! This means he has a new album! This means his US tour is next summer!
2. I am watching 2 Kdramas and actually semi-addicted: I Remember You, stars Seo In-guk in all his guyliner glory. Oh My Ghostess has the wacky Kim Seul-gi and cute Park Bo-young.

songs

Song stuck in my head today are Ed Sheeran's something or another "you can keep me / inside the pocket of your ripped jeans / holding me close until our eyes meet..." I have no clue what it's called.

Also Taylor Swift's Bad Blood, which I have never actually listened to the whole way. She doesn't really sing. She more chants.

Things are still going well with L. Planning a trip.  We talked online and met in early May for the first time. Hard to believe it's only been 2 months - he feels like part of my life.

Boss is gone a lot at work so I get to use his parking spot. Physical therapy is going well - still learning about my body and my horrible form. Used a bosu ball for the first time for squats during my appointment this morning. It reminds me of the bright pink ball we used to hop around on in Kansas, so elementary school.... I just looked for the toy which led me down a rabbit hole of 90s toys. Skip It! ... I still remember the commercial jingle.

relief

I missed all of June. Wow. If this blog relies on my mental state - as in I only write when I'm feeling lonely or angsting over some guy - then I guess that means I've been content. But, I've always liked to write, so I think it's just that my laptop is still slowly dying so the tablet has taken over. And it's not the kind of tablet you type on. Just a tiny touchscreen.

Since I mentioned angsting over some guy, I'm still with the 3rd guy I met online and I like him more every day. I feel lucky that I met him. Fingers crossed. I think the last time I felt as comfortable was with the BUD who was the reason for me starting this blog, but I never felt as comfortable with Bud. The ex-girlfriend thing was always immediately hanging over me. I don't feel like something is hanging over me with this new guy. And we both like walking around in the woods. It's a relief.

In work news, it's that time of my two-year plan: time to apply to become a civil servant. I've put in 4 job applications. My goal is 10.  I would like to stay where I am now because I think it's an interesting place to work. You get to go to talks all the time and learn about your co-workers' research. But to have lots of leave and good insurance and all, you need to be a civil servant.

Alright, I have to book it up to PA because I'm buying new tires for the car tomorrow morning, and a front-end alignment.  Already feeling a bit tired and haven't started packing yet. Sigh - at least I did laundry last night.

Peace

end of May - I need a vacation

My laptop is dying, so this blog has suffered. By "dying," I mean that it shuts down if on for too long. I think a little over an hour is too long. Hope that time doesn't shorten warm weather because today's high was 87!

I'm in good spirits these days. It took about 2 weeks for me to be completely over J...something leaving. See? I can't even remember his last name. And then after about a week on okcupid, a new guy sent me a message and we hit it off. First just with messages a couple times a day, then we talked over the phone and texting. And as of today we met 4 times in person. I really think he's funny and nice. At first he wasn't as fun in person - shy? But I think he's loosening up. We didn't even kiss until the third date - I think he was nervous during the whole time leading up to it. I like him. He grows on me each time that I meet him. I never thought I'd send cute stupid text messages to a guy, but I even mean them! I'm surprised. 3rd time on okcupid was the charm.  There are difference between us and we live 38 minutes apart according to GoogleMaps, but I hope it will work out. Too soon to tell really, but this is the first time I've wanted it to work out this much in a while. Second Ryan was wrong because I always felt like I had to live up to his standard, whatever that was. J...something was too different and moved to the same place TB went anyway. TB is original breakup dude.

In other news, the thrift store closest to me sells all their books for 25 cents each. I discovered that when I went with my cousin B. Also with her I discovered that there's Starbucks coffee in my apartment gym. Whaaa? I'm paying for that? My youngest sister graduated from undergrad. I got the carpets shampooed because there was a funny smell. I am on a quest to get quotes for all weather radial tires and a front end alignment. My dad's passion for fixing old cars is cooling. When I went to get a physical, they weighed me and I was 137lbs with all my clothes on (jeans, t-shirt, cardigan, sneakers). I'm trying to walk every day, so hoping this means I'll be firmly 134lbs with clothes on by the end of the summer. I don't eat much. Weight - leave me! I have free HBO again until the end of June. It kind of saved me in the transition from regular cable to only local channels. And I haven't written for E's blog in months #guilt #horribleslackerfriend

I need to plan a vacation! SH offered to plan one with his girlfriend TT and my guy, but not sure if she'd be into that. We haven't quite figured each other out, me and her. It's weird because on a surface level I get along right away with most people. Except her friend at SH's bbq, maybe they spoke about it? Anyway, I have never wanted to date SH and he has never wanted to date me. He's my one brother who's not my biological brother. It's been like that from day one. I just want to be TT's friend too!!! Okay, I'm being ridiculous. The more you want it, the more it won't happen, A.

Speaking of friends, my sisters are both awesome. MW and AC are busy with work, but still awesome. LB is jet-setting off to Texas with her hubby and little W; they're such a great family. CS and I, will we have our summer vacation again? Last year was Ocean City, MD in August (Seacrets!). MM is cute and wonderful as always. That girl. I wish we lived near each other. We'd do such great things together.

waiting for time

Maybe it's catching up to me - feeling sad about JW I mean. Still not crying, but still not happy. Was looking at a map and I pulled it south until I got to the town where he used to live. Get it together, girl! Lack of appetite is still here. Isn't there a taste I enjoy? But food has never made me happy in the way that it does for some people. Probably a blessing. My emotional turmoil coping strategy is not to think about it (very healthy I know) by involving myself in another world, so I've always read and read and read. Waiting for time to make the sting go away.

Today I started Angry Mom, starring Kim Hee-sun. I've meant to watch it for a while, just didn't get around to it until today.  Other things I did: washed/changed the sheets, made another smoothie with that fantastic blender, and bought a smartip card so that I never have to stand in line for a ticket again. That was ridiculous yesterday. And since it's looking like I'll live around here at least another year, so I might as well cave and buy one. Even though I go to DC rarely, it saves money.

Reading How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents (1991) by Julia Alvarez, which I picked up in the thrift store a couple weeks ago. It's better than I thought. I don't know what I thought it was going to be - all about feelings I guess. I don't like the cover of this particular edition, so I only picked up the book because I'd heard of it. The publishing company is how I pick thrift store books. Is that good or bad? Anyway, google it.

The manicure hasn't really chipped much yet, so I'm going to try not to mess with it. Let's see how long it lasts. I'm not really seeing why I should pay for a manicure yet, when I could have done this myself. The hand massage part was kind of nice though. And the hot wax part was unexpected. The smell though - my lungs must have been dying, the chemical fumes popping off my brain cells like a 1920s LAPD hit squad. Okay, the Changeling movie stayed with me longer than I thought.

Watch this and you'll laugh:

celebrity stalker

I spent today in DC with my cousin. Milestones:
Got my first manicure in Chinatown. An orangey/tan pastel color.
Celebrity spotting at an Earth Day concert - Usher, Don Chedle, Gwen Stefani, Frieda Pinto, Ban Ki Moon. Others I don't remember. I even saw a woman high up in CJ Entertainment, which I only know from watching South Korean movies.
Wore a size 8 dress all day with no trouble. I need to eat a lot of veggies if I want to stay this size - lunch and dinner had barely any.

Gwen Stefani was flawless and she rocked the ponytail

In breakup news, I knew the moment that JW told me he was moving to TX that it meant we were over. The ending process took a while to finish, but it did on Wednesday. JW started to do the cop-out move of pulling away, using moving as an excuse. I hate that the most! ... The most! ... Judge if you will, but I knew what the situation was and I started crying. I knew I could never actually say it over the phone, so this next story takes place over text. I'm not proud, but it's better than going ghost: I asked him point-blank if he thought long-distance was an option. It wasn't. I was sad/relieved. He said "we can still talk," but I need to fully get over him, so I need to not talk to him for a few months. I told him so and he said something brief that made it sound like he didn't care and so I felt insulted.

And it was over. I would have cried for the rest of the night, so I distracted myself with my free HBO and watched Changeling(2008). I may have teared up the next day, but I didn't cry again. And now days later, I'm still bummed. When I'm alone, I'm sad, but when I'm with another person or at work I'm fine. I wish that it worked out with JW, but I saw it coming for so long that I already did the majority of the mourning. I've been mourning for a month and trying to be cheerful about it when I saw him.

After my time comes, I'll start looking for someone else. Hoping that 3rd internet match is the charm. When I think about looking, half the time I'm excited and the other half I feel tired. So tired that I don't want to try, but I'll never get what I want if I don't try.

in my case, the "expense" is trauma from dating angst

On the metro train going back to Greenbelt, I saw a tired couple who'd spent the day in the sun. The woman was trying to sleep with her head against the window, but the man was holding her hand and snuggling against her arm. They were so cute.

The Kdramas that I'm watching make a short list: still Grapevine (which is losing a bit of steam) and then a new one called Girl Who Sees Smells, which is hilarious, even if it stars the guy from DBSK who I used to call "Weird Hair Guy." You guessed it - Micky. I've watched him in a couple other dramas (SKKS and Rooftop Prince) and always liked him, but he's not an actor I love.

The weather is warmish outside, so I think I can really believe that winter is over. Hooray!

dismay

Well I lowered my cable/internet bill. Probably not as low as I could have, but I was starting to dread life with absolutely no TV. Instead, I'll just have life with more limited TV.  I broke down and called them. Why can't I have just the internet and nothing else? It won't even let you do that on the website. Under-boob sweat by the end of the call from the stress, although the woman on the phone was perfectly pleasant enough. Anyway $25 a month saved for the first year. $15 for the second, for a total savings of $480 if I did the math right. Not much, but every bit helps since my biggest bills are rent and student loans.  The next time around, maybe I'll be able to get rid of the TV altogether. I'm tempted to get Netflix or DramaFever, but then what's the point of saving the money if I don't spend it on loans? The financial magazines say now it the time to live more frugally. Maybe I should put the money into my 401(k) instead? You know what I should do - I should call Verizon back and get just the internet. That's what I should do. Wait... they're closed now. Okay, tomorrow then!

Other than that, the weeks are passing by. On April Fool's Day, I went to the regular dentist for a check-up and they gave me a special toothbrush that gets into the holes where my wisdom teeth used to be. I think it will help the bottom heal. The top is fine. They showed me using a couple mirrors - it really is just 2 holes leading directly to my brain. My dad was so funny when I first came back here after getting my teeth out - he basically warned me not to kiss anyone because their germs would go directly to my brain and I'd get brain fever.

Dismay - courtesy of the Kdrama Endless Love

I totally see breaking up in my future. With the cop I've been dating I mean. The second he goes away it's radio silence. It's not going to work. I just wish it was. So basically, I know I'm going to wind up crying over continuing to see him for another week before he leaves, but I'm going to do it anyway and trust that I'll get over it. With the dating luck I've head, I can't help believing that whatever guy I meet is going to leave me anyway, so at least this one is up front about it. I would never tell a friend that every man will leave her in the end no matter what she does... Well they do say we're cruelest to ourselves. So I don't tell myself this, but I believe it (except for my father. My grandfather said no man would love me as much as my father does in my whole life, and I believe it). The only reason why I didn't cut ties with the cop is that he didn't leave when I tried to push him away when I first found out he was moving. Of course, him not leaving was probably more due to a combination of sheer stubbornness/lust, but I like to think it was because of something in me. There I go, trying to flatter myself and not really believing it. God, I see I'm not going to believe it - maybe if he told me that? Which I'm afraid to want to happen, because when you want something real bad, that's when you don't get it.

Anyway, Usher's song is appropriate. "Why you just leeeave me?" My middle sister used to sing this to me when I walked out of the room.

Plagued by allergies since around 5pm on Tuesday (watery eyes, itchy throat, runny nose, fatigue... no, I'm not crying my eyes are leaking). Bought 3 different kinds of cough drops for my sore throat this morning. One was so nasty I had to spit it out; it was the worst. One was like candy. One was okay. Also bought a store brand of Allegra that didn't seem to do much. On the other hand, I don't want to know what I'd be like if I hadn't taken it. I want this combination of medicines to allow me to sleep through the night tonight.

Sunday night, perfectly content for once

Months later and I'm still listening to Sam Smith's cd. So sad that I didn't figure out he was coming to Merriweather in July until I heard it on the radio - of course by then it's too late. The only way I'm getting to go is if I win some tickets. Oh Sam. I follow him on Instagram.

Good news on the music front is that my all time favorite James Morrison is slowly stirring. He's featured on someone else's single. I'll take what I can I get. If James has an Instagram, I don't know about it. I think he's too cool for Instagram.

My favorite celebrity on Instagram is Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. The man is downright charming.

JW totally grew on me. He dropped by last night, was feeling sick though. Going to be sad when he leaves, but I'll take what I can get before then. Today I spent Sunday perfectly happy. Read a book. Watched an episode of Heard It Through the Grapevine. Started another book. Hula hooped. Texted friends/family that I love and that love me. Found out that MB had her third child and it's their first boy! I think 3 is the perfect number. I wonder if he'll have dual Korean/US citizenship. He's such a cutie. MB is awesome. That little boy is lucky in the parents God gave him.

Give me the guts to cancel my Verizon cable/phone subscription. I need to give it up. Books hold my interest more than TV, but they're not as warm sometimes. I like seeing people walking/moving/dancing/being foolish. You know, all the things I do. When you read, all those things happen as well (if it's a good book), but you imagine them, so they come from yourself to some extent. Is that healthier?

Last weekend, my mom told me on the phone that I was an average student until I started reading in 3rd grade. My teacher at Eisenhower Elementary noticed me and set me on an advanced track. Her name was Mrs. Calhoun. I owe a lot to her then, which I definitely didn't realize until Mom told me. I hope she's doing alright, enjoying retirement from teaching.

Bye Bye Bye

I don't feel any different.

I think it's important to give myself time to think when I've made a big decision. How do I feel? Is there a problem? How much is dictated by society? For instance, I have 2 dresses I bought from H&M a few years ago when I first started this blog, so when I was in the throes of post-break up angst. I was so motivated to work out then. Anyway, when I pulled out the dress today I said, I'll look better in this if I lose more weight. I weigh about 135lb. I'm only 5'4", but I'm built muscular, so this isn't overweight. My problem spot is my stomach area because I'm built straight up and down, no hourglass. Even if I weight 125lb, I'd still not look good in that skin tight dress because I don't have waist definition. Anyway, society tells me that I look good when I have no visible chub and an hourglass figure. I'm  programmed to think that. I like my body. Me and my body are good now, well except for this tendency to break out over the past 2 weeks. Did spring allergies get replaced by pimples? Why do they have to be on my face?  Anyway, I like my body and I don't feel bad that I'm not an hourglass figure, and I'm sure if I was, I wouldn't be satisfied by the terms of society either. I mean, US society is traditionally satisfied by an airbrushed woman, hence all the empowerment campaigns.

I'm thinking that other people are more attached to their parents. I love my parents. We talk on the phone every week or so. We're thrilled when we see each other. But other people are so much more entwined with their parents. Are mine unusual?

When I was in lala-land right after the wisdom teeth removal, my younger cousins came over to see me and the 16yr-old said she used to think about what would happen if her parents died and she had to come live with us. She said she didn't want to because she was scared of spiders. Yeah, there are spiders in the downstairs of my parents' house. I thought it was funny because when I was younger, I always wondered what would happen if my parents died and I had to go live with her parents. Haha. Ah youth.

I heard on the Kane Show that today is the 15th anniversary of N'Sync's No Strings Attached album. It's their second album that had such hits as Bye Bye Bye, It's Gonna Be Me, and This I Promise You. Wow, Justin Timberlake has come far. Also, I was a kid, but I remember something that happened 15 years ago!  Today when Bye Bye Bye came on in the car, I was dancing the music video dance while driving to work. 9am isn't too early to party. Yay middle school.

Had a brioche at IHop today. Getting in those veggies and protein.

spot the song lyrics

It's been a while. What happened?

• Got all 4 wisdom teeth out on 2/26. Luckily, I went home for this because recovery was more miserable than I thought. My sister waited during the surgery and drove me back. Thanks, drugs, I have no memory of this.  My brother watched The Big Bang Theory with me (he's here!). My dad read me a story when the medicine made me too sick to look at the TV or words on a page. He made me stick to the ice routine. I couldn't have done that myself. I had to sleep sitting up, and then I'd wake up in the middle of the night from the pain.  I didn't go back to work until 3/3. I can chew and all now, but I still have to squirt a syringe in my mouth because food gets stuck in the holes and I can feel it!
• When I went back to work, it was during the horror, aka the busiest month of the year in this job. I worked 9.5/10 hour days consistently until yesterday.
• My dad had a birthday. My brother had a birthday. My St. Patrick's Day cousin had a birthday. My nana had a birthday. And my oldest McM cousin had a birthday.
• I started dating a cop. He got a job offer in TX. I guess we're over, but I still like him until he's gone. He texted me when I couldn't talk b/c of the wisdom teeth pain. And then he brought me flowers the first time he met me in person and told me my face wasn't that swollen.
• AK is going to live in UT for residency. Sundance, can I meet JGL? AC is going to live in Philly in June; why you just leave me? Just leave me be. Why you just leave me? Ushah, Ushah
• BG is consistently an awesome cousin. I'll never forget when we were all little kids and she gave us her Polly Pocket. We loved that toy.
• Did I mentioned I finished War and Peace? I found it surprisingly engaging until the very end devolved into philosophical ramblings.
• Didn't watch one K-drama until last night, when I watched 10 minutes of the first episode of Heard It Through the Grapevine. It's a weird show, filmed with a dark lens, the characters are funny/peculiar because they're pathetic. For now, I'll keep watching because of the peculiar.
• A spider bit me 5 times in the night, so I freaked out and slept in the twin bed for a week. Cleaned the little chest by my bed and there was the spider! I've had many enemies...  It's been 2 days since I got the courage to sleep in the queen bed again, but I threw that spider outside, so haven't had any more problems, knock on wood.

So what do I need to do?

• Get the courage to register for an adult swim class.
• Cancel the Verizon TV/landline and keep only the internet. Then buy a Hulu subscription as fast as I can. I miss the morning local news already. Patrice! Tom! Candace-baby's wooden smile!
• Buy work clothes that fit. Specifically pants.
• Visit Nana and Poppi on Easter.
• Maintenance request for them to fix the blinds in the twin bed bedroom.
• For the love of God, exercise in that gym you're paying for!
• Make an account on jobs.gov or whatever it is. Civil servant!

late to the Lent party (not Catholic anyway and you can't make me convert)

I said I'd apply for this job tonight, but I don't have the password. It's at work. Going to have to apply during my lunch break. Ha! Like I'm going to get one of those at the rate things have been going this week. Today I only had time to choke down some chicken soup and then I took one bite of my string cheese and had to put it down for a phone call. What would B say? She would have said to let the phone ring. I should have done that, but I feel compelled to answer since I'm the only one doing any of the budget stuff. So it's scary to apply for another job when the office I'm in now is in such a tumultuous stage. Anyway. Trying to rework this resume but soon I'll give up and go to sleep.

So tired. Going to set my alarm for 7am since that's when I'll get out of bed anyway. I've had to up the biotin because it's so dry, but that's fine because the bottle says I could take 5 a day if I wanted. One has been enough, so I only upped it to 2. There's no reason for me to develop an intolerance to it and have to take even more.

On my immediate shopping list (besides the ever-present food) is: black socks. My shoes require them and I don't have them. My feet are always cold. I think the heater stopped working for the lower heat - you know how you can direct it to your feet? Yeah, when I do that I just get cold air, so I've stopped bothering. Basically from the moment I leave my apartment in the morning, that's when my feet are cold. In the car my hands ache because of the steering wheel. How are the homeless people doing this? I hope they're able to get to a shelter where they're warm and safe.

Lent has started without me realizing. I'm not Catholic, but I'm some weird kind of Methodist that does Lent every year. It's only day 2. What can I do to exercise restraint that isn't foregoing hot water for 40 days? That just isn't happening. How does that not make a person sick? I could do the thing I did one year and not watch tv unless I'm hula hooping. I could give up dramas, but that wouldn't be a super hard challenge as I'm not addicted to any right now. I'm still working on my New Year's resolutions, but I can't do the swim one yet anyway. What was the other? Oh yeah, okc. I don't know how I've gotten so messed up, but for a long while now the people I find most attractive are similar to me in terms of background, ideology, priorities, etc. All these okc people who aren't at least an 80% match, well I believe in numbers and don't bother to respond. And then there's the ones you just stay away from because your momma told you and so did your friends and then that was your experience too.

I want to be warm again. I have to steel myself when it's time to go outside. Not cool.

snow day party of one, waldo

I'm one of those people who needs to go to work, rather than work from home. The reason? I'm way too happy with the party of one I'm having today, and the party is made even better by the fact that I haven't worked for the past 3 days thanks to the long weekend. I have all the food I need. I get to look out the window. I get to stand up and walk around in fleece-lined tights, a t-shirt, and a hoodie. What I have taken away from this day is that I want more fleece-lined tights. Oh how I wish I knew where my mom got these from 2 years ago. That's the thing about presents where your relatives cut the tags off before giving them to you.  Maybe these are it?

Help me, I'm scared to get on okcupid because how do I wade through the ocean of people to find the right one? I'm not a person who believes in one soulmate, rather I believe that multiple people could be the one for you, but you'll never run into all of them. So I'm trying to get lucky enough to run into one of them. Hardest Where's Waldo ever.

Is Waldo even a real name? Never met any Waldos. Wait, there's Ralph Waldo Emerson.  Okay. It must be a real name then.

first code red of the year

My apartment is so much nicer in the day with all the light coming in than when I normally see it - before dawn and just before dark. The snow meant a code red at work, so the center is closed and I still get paid. So I'm home for the last day of a 4 day weekend! I've actually been kind of productive - cooked cornbread muffins, did the dishes, have a load of laundry in, read 4 Healer recaps in an attempt to relive the magic, watched 4 hours of HGTV in the background, sipping my second cup of tea, shoveled out my car from the powdery snow, am defrosting 4 chicken breasts to make soup later tonight, did Ed Sheeran karaoke on my tablettie, paranoidly checked my work email just to be sure I didn't dream the code red. I'm in a mood where I cook more food than I need solely for the sake of trying new recipes. These usually last a few days.  I still have plenty of mini pot pie leftovers and the bbq pulled chicken. I need to force myself to change the sheets in the next few minutes, then wash my hair, and write a few blog bosts and all will be accomplished. I'm naturally more cheerful in the face of so much sunlight.

When I go up to PA to get my wisdom teeth out, must remember to bring back the books I left in random places so Michelle will have more room in her room, which I think is the best room in the house because it gets the morning light and turns it golden - go corner rooms.

Had a good talk with AJ last night. We're going to try to meet up before she starts an intense accelerated nursing program in late March. After that, she'll be able to get a great job. I'm happy for her, but I know that I won't be able to see her much until she's completed the program. She's been working towards this for a while, so I'm glad she has a sense of purpose, professionally I mean.

Regarding online dating, well no bites. If I ever do get one again, here's hoping he's awesome. MC thinks I dodged a bullet with the last guy - she's probably right!

real pot pie

So I think the first ok cupid guy must have been a fluke. I mean, it was just so easy to meet up with him, and now I was on for one day and no bites at all. How am I supposed to date if there aren't any dates?

It's already snowing. I fully do not expect to go to work tomorrow. If there isn't a code red, I'll actually be kind of screwed, because there's no way I'll be able to get to work at the rate my apartment complex shovels out. So it'll be me shirking my duties. Not good. Today I only slept in, read War and Peace, and then went to Aldi. I cooked mini pot pies that turned out nothing like a real pot pie, and then put a pulled chicken recipe in the crock pot. We'll see how it turns out in 6 hours.

Yesterday for the first time ever I made pot pie. Well, mostly my friend made it. It's not as hard as I thought. The key is that I need some pie tins. And then you just cook the stuff on the stove first in chicken broth, add flour to thicken it and that crust really is magical. Can't believe that I didn't come to like pot pie until I was 20. Anyway, the baby didn't remember me at all! But I guess that's fair since I hadn't seen him in months. Soon I'll be that crazy auntie who tells you how she used to play with you when you were little and you have no memory of it so you just smile and nod because she wants you to remember. I already kind of do that with my one cousin, but the difference is I've known her constantly her whole life so there are just years that she can't remember. At least I won't get that blank look of no recognition from her. It makes me feel sad.

More and more I'm thinking of downsizing next year. I don't need an apartment this big, although I must shamelessly admit that I'm using all the closet space. I'll give the twin bed back to Mom and Pop, unless I can somehow disguise it as a second couch. Maybe a design magazine could help there. 32 days left of tv and a home phone line. Then no more bundle package for me! I'm not the most tech-savvy person, so learning to work hulu and netflix on my tv may be more than I can handle. I can see I'm going to have to google it.

My kindle tells me I'll finish War and Peace in about 2 and a half hours. Honestly, it's getting a bit boring in the end because it's not really about the characters but about the troop maneuvers at the end of the Napoleonic Wars. So dry and not the reason why I read fiction. Is this the February blues? Help me, Rhonda - help help me Rhonda!

5-6 days, and my appetite came back

It should come as no surprise that I'm still reading War and Peace.  Only 7 hours left now, according to the kindle. This is one of the rare cases in which I think reading it on the kindle is better, simply because I don't have to lug the print book around. And also I can forget about how far I've read. I'm treating it like it will never end basically. That Tolstoy.

In other news, it's back to okcupid. Fail was... well I could have seen it coming. After the initial novelty of dating someone wore off, the guy I was dating well he rolled his eyes a lot. I could ignore that. But then how could he not love SH?! Or even be civil and answer a simple question as to what you do at work without sarcasm? Turns out he either has no respect for me, or is a coward because he decided to cut off all contact and not have a discussion. After all that talk about handling relationships in a mature way... Hoping this next go around, I find someone less orn'ry. Fingers crossed. Going to force myself to get on for an hour every day. That site forced me to pay for two months, so I my as well get my moneys worth in heartbreak and disappointment. Okay, being dramatic. More like hurt feelings that take 5-6 days to recover. This is why I exercise and buy puffs plus with lotion. I can do that again until I find someone I click with more.

The verdict is in: all 4 wisdom teeth must come out. Boo. Hiss. The big day is in exactly 2 weeks. I've never been given an IV to put me out of my mind before. Scared, but kind of reassured that I won't remember. I hope there are no complications and that I just need to deal with the pain of recovering. Going up to my parents' to have it done. I'm in my late 20s, but my mom is still upset that I have to go through it. I was touched when she said that. Made me understand what my co-worker said about wanting to have boys instead of girls because of all the physical pain women have to go through in their life.

February war and peace

Feeling down so far this February. Mostly because my wisdom tooth removal consultation is scheduled for one week. And because work is well... work. Not exciting. The same things are happening with different variations and I don't think I'll ever get a raise, despite the fact that I'm doing more than is in my job description. The initial sense of freedom I got by saying goodbye to SC forever except strictly has friends has faded. The only thing he had going for him was sheer stubborn-ness, which I have too, so whatevs.  Maybe Emily said it best -

There's a certain slant of light
Winter Afternoons –
That oppresses, like the Heft
Of Cathedral Tunes –

Heavenly Hurt, it gives us –
We can find no scar,
But internal difference –
Where the Meanings, are –

None may teach it – Any –
'Tis the seal Despair –
An imperial affliction
Sent us of the Air –

When it comes, the Landscape listens –
Shadows – hold their breath –
When it goes, 'tis like the Distance
On the look of Death –

Emily Dickinson of course. When I leave work, I step into the long hallway and a slant of yellow light shines on the brown/gray carpet. I thought of the first few lines of this poem. February is hard.

I'm about 68% of the way through War and Peace. Only 8 and a half hours left, ya'll. All the war is taking a toll on me. I think about French-speaking Russians and Napoleonic wars and hope Prince Andrew doesn't die and does forgive Natasha and marries her, even though she was an idiot. I think about how war has stayed the same and why are all these people dying. After the first 100 or so pages, this book became addicting. I'm addicted. I'm seeing it through. I read that it devolves from story to philosophical meditation towards the end. Hope I can hang in there.

pabo stooopid

This is probably the third Saturday in a row where I have done nothing outside. I meant to go out - I really did. But it was 5 degrees out there. It was even cold downstairs. So I put on an extra jacket and then I never did go out.

Going to SH's superbowl party tomorrow. I have to bring a dish. I'm going to make EGW's turkey meat ball recipe and hope it works out. I checked and I have all the ingredients. I do need to get some more gas though. I invited R to go with me and I don't think it's fair if I make him drive. He can just sit back and navigate or something.  I was all fired up to go to Burlington Coat Factory and buy clothes, but eh. I should really just pay off my baby loan. I did the math, and paying off the rest of it in one lump sum will save me almost $4K and 4 years in the long run. Must evaluate bank account. I also did some more writing, but not that much. I need to get to a scene with Haejin actually in it. After I visualize him and completely make him  my own character, then I can watch Bad Guys too.

My phone is telling me that there's a text message that I didn't answer. There totally isn't! Is it just going to have a 1 forever by the messages? Stooopid.

Tomorrow morning, I need to buy: gas, chocolate chips, half and half. I can get all this from 7 Eleven and then from Target. I'd go to Weis, but Target is closer. As long as I don't detour to Hobby Lobby, I should be fine. I'm hardcore trying to resist Hobby Lobby ever since I went in there for Christmas shopping and discovered it's wonderful.

So on this last day of January, have I taken steps towards my goals?  Yes. I'm now 47% of the way through War and Peace on the kindle. It's easier to read on the kindle because I accept the fact that it's endless. In the book, it's been about 5 years. It's the Napoleonic Wars. 

I've started writing that Haejin story as well. Haven't progressed on that one as much, but I'm getting there.

And I did start dating someone I can respect. I think respect is very important, and the reasons that I respect people are because of how capable they demonstrate themselves to be in one context or another. I think I got lucky. Is it weird that all my relationship stats are 'breaking up is hard to do?' I actually think that sums it up, the painful nature of forming romantic relationships. At least it's been mostly painful for me. Always hoping that'll turn around though.

I haven't taken any swimming steps though. And I think those were all my goals.

One year, I will probably have goals to cut down on dramas, but not this year! I spent a large part of my 20s in love with dramas, since I was 21 in fact. Wow, so the better part of my 20s in love with dramas. I'm all caught up on the classics now, so unless modern dramas come along, I doubt I'll ever find myself marathoning show after show. The other day I realized it had been over 2 years since Vampire Prosecutor 2 came on. Where did the time go? And Song Joong-ki is going to be out of the military in a few months. Heol.

i failed to get chocolate chips after work

I keep forgetting to buy chocolate chips. Why??? I was just in the freaking grocery store. I want to make this recipe in a mug because I don't believe that it will work. But if it does work, it's going to be delicious.

My car looks really bad. There's salt all over it. It's a disgrace. If everyone else's car didn't also look like this, I'd feel really bad. Also, I can't see all the salt when I'm in the car, so I keep forgetting. I don't want to go to the car wash. Today I got to park in my boss's spot because he's in Ireland. I shouldn't get used to this. I also was at work for 9.5 hours. How do people do 10 hour work days?

Also, I am undermining myself with this new person because I'm trying not to be too dependent and seeming stand-offish. I suck. Also, how is Superbowl weekend this weekend? I keep thinking February is some far off time. But it's on Sunday, peeps. Sunday.

hair story, Healer, he stands

Just did my hair. I have to say, dating means that I feel the need to have it look nice now, and that means I have to do it once a week because it's so dry these days. I'm up to using 5 different products to get my hair under control via twist out: Palmolive coconut shampoo, Jane Carter conditioner, then Milk Protein & Olive Oil Strengthening Creme mixed with Shea Moisture Curl Enhancing Smoothie, and then Jane Carter Solution to seal the ends. The whole process from wash to the end of air drying takes about 3 hours. Today I watched a couple episodes of a Japanese drama in which a woman starts dating a 21 year old college student on her 30th birthday. To be fair, the kid is in love with her, so the main conflict comes from herself because she's never had a boyfriend before. Strangely enough, sex is never an issue, which is directly opposite to this novel called Eleven Minutes that I started yesterday and finished today. That book was basically a meditation on sex and prostitutes, but somehow still idealized. I wasn't a huge fan.

Anyway, I can't figure this specific guy out, but you can't really figure someone out when you haven't known them for a month yet. And after I said I was done with white guys, here comes number four. This would all be solved if I could just date Healer. Okay, so I don't mean that, but the man is gorgeous. Yes, I never cared about the actor in that Hero drama, and at first I didn't even see his pretty in Healer, but somewhere around the 7th episode, it clicked. Maybe it's just the role. I didn't think much about Jung Kyung-ho until he played Baksa Adeul in Heartless City. Now I just lust after him in every role in which he wears a suit. Very specific criteria, I know. He has a tendency to play roles in which I can't take him seriously, and at those times I lose all respect for him. So comedy is not his thing.

So why did I say I can't figure him out? Well is it worth not dating anyone else? Because I'm not. I can really only concentrate on one person at a time. And by 'concentrate' I mean think about when I'm not living the life I lived without dating. Now that SC is clear where he stands, he doesn't feel the need to text every day. He should just find somebody else, but he whines that it's hard. Well of course it's hard or you wouldn't appreciate when you finally do find someone who wants to find you too. If this new guy is the one I want that would be nice to stop all this looking, but I don't have many illusions. If it hasn't happened in however many years, what are the chances that trend is going to change? Oh pessimism. But never fear. This is my confession blog. I'm going to rally and keep trying. I can't do anything else but keep trying.

end of a long mlk weekend

Ugh, I finally churned out three blog posts for EGW's website. It's a site about writing, so if you're interested you can check it out here: thearpblog.com. I hadn't written a post in a while, so I think it was harder than usual, but three is a pretty good number! I especially wanted to do it because I said I would on Friday, and because her birthday is tomorrow. I don't know if the card I sent will get there in time, but as long as she knows that I love her. We've been friends a little over 10 years now. Can this be one of those lifelong relationships?

Yesterday, I met up with two other friends who I've been friends with for 11 years - MW and AC. So awesome to be able to get together for dinner with both of them. We've been spread out over the US for a while, and we'll be spread out again when AC leaves us and moves to Philly for work in the summer, but until then I need to enjoy being near them. I actually wouldn't mind so much if I did stay in this area for a few more years. I can't imagine it would be in this apartment, but maybe I can find some nice suburb off the beaten path. Can't see myself as a homeowner either - mostly because of my inability to fix things - but that's what I would do.

The OKCupid date is going relatively well. I don't know how these things are supposed to go, really. I always feel like I'm a bit passive in romantic relationships because so much is uncertain. I'm not my regular decisive self because I'm not acting solely for myself. Does that make sense? Anyway, I guess there's no rush really. I just need to go out and do things with him. I was talking to one of my cousins on the phone today and wondering if I just wasn't used to how a relationship should go because of the past people I've been in a relationship with. Is there such a thing as a 'normal' relationship? And will I ever come across that? AC seems to think that I should be doing any of the text initiating, so I guess I'll stop.  It's not like I don't have stuff to do in any case. No use getting that dependent, but I've always trusted people very easily. Too much, probably.

i truly intend to make this

falling

A good ice skating date, but how much will my butt hurt tomorrow from falling 4 or 5 times? Oh half the times were because I was trying to avoid a child. Better I fall than them.

Lost an earring back. Boo.

he could have run that

So going to go on an ice skating date. Like a true nerd, I looked up how to ice skate on youtube yesterday. I think as soon as I get on the ice, I need to just plop down and fall. Maybe then it won't be so intimidating. I mean, football players fall all the time. Speaking of football, while doing my hair last night, I watched a playoff game between the Seattle and Carolina. I turned it on the second quarter and Seattle was winning, so I rooted for Carolina. Carolina so lost. So bad. And I was thoroughly impressed by Chancellor on Seattle. The dud jumped over crouching linebackers effortlessly. The highest thing I can effortlessly jump over is the curb. And also, while I was watching, the Carolina quarterback had the ball and all his receivers were blocked, so he just kind of stumbled and then fell. Without thinking I said, "he could have run that," and then the announcer said, "actually, he could have run the ball too."  Same same! I totally can keep up with football. It only took 20-something years, but whatever!

a seahawks thing from wearewirestone.tumblr.com

Went out to lunch on Friday with a coworker. We got Chinese food. It did not agree with me by about a half hour to 45min after I got back to the office. And ever since my body is rejecting food. I have little to no appetite. Will this get flushed out of my system soon? Hope so. Do I need to drink lots more water?

Also, back in October I went to the gyno and it was supposed to be under preventative care, so free, but they charged me $60. I'd been meaning to call them about it, but I totally forgot, and then in December, they gave me my money back. Yay! I just realized today when I had a nerd moment downloading an Excel file of all my checking account transactions from the past 18months. Filtering, man. So clutch.

Why Did I Leave the House in a Snowstorm?

When you work for a federal agency, you get telework days. Yay!

Source: akifumiiwao.tumblr.com

This telework day is deserved. I tried to go to work. Why did I leave at 8am during a morning rush hour snowstorm? By the second mile, I knew I should turn back, but... there was nowhere to turn, so I had to drive in a 6 mile loop. Those hills man. If you stop, you won't start again. Thankfully, I made it back. Thank you, God!  At one point, I was actually shaking from adrenalin. I could feel that the car had no traction and I was going uphill. At least when it all happens at 15mph, you have time to think.

Source: marialenasthoughtsoftheday.tumblr.com

the shape of the story

I am doing it! I now have my first date of the new year set up for this Wednesday. Another Ryan, although honestly I don't recall ever meeting a Ryan that wasn't hot, so win at least for that? I also haven't really met a Ryan I wanted to date though, so we'll see.

Also, I did write up what I have so far of the Hae Jin story. It really helped me see the shape of the story. Darcy is in it. I just love her.

she chewed that toy to bits

I turned on the tv while I was cooking and was sucked into a Downton Abbey marathon on PBS. Now I know why people were so addicted to that show.

2015 goals

So far I've got three goals for 2015:
Watch Old Boy (2003)
Type up my Hae-jin story - at least the outline of it
Take a swimming class - because we all know I'd drown

My immediate goals for January are:
Buy something at Kohls because that $20 expires tomorrow
Get the most of out this cupid thing - expires in a month
Send EGW a birthday card

Feelings about the cupid thing - it is hella overwhelming. When my friend told me she hated dating, well I get what she means. I can handle one or two, but there are too many. And what makes a 43 year old think I am going to even reply? I'm in my 20s, damnit! I heard this joke on Conan - for a Halloween costume, an older man should stand next to a young pretty woman and BOOM he's invisible.  Learn, men. Learn.

you are not this man

Hello, 2015

Maybe if I start with one resolution and stop at one resolution, then I'll actually remember what I resolved an do it. So this year's resolution is:

drumroll please

To take adult swimming lessons because, if tossed into the ocean, I will drown.