The Point of My Rants

I ranted to my boyfriend and then to my youngest sister about a work thing (leaving names out and putting only analogies in). I realize that all I wanted to hear was: "You're right. Why didn't (s)he just listen to you in the first place?"

This is kind of a revelation for me. Apparently I get really upset when people don't do what I say. In this case, it's not what I say, but what the company/agency says. So I'm right. Right? This is why I need to not have too much power. I'm like Vin Diesel's character in The Pacifier: "My way. No highway option."

songs

Song stuck in my head today are Ed Sheeran's something or another "you can keep me / inside the pocket of your ripped jeans / holding me close until our eyes meet..." I have no clue what it's called.

Also Taylor Swift's Bad Blood, which I have never actually listened to the whole way. She doesn't really sing. She more chants.

Things are still going well with L. Planning a trip.  We talked online and met in early May for the first time. Hard to believe it's only been 2 months - he feels like part of my life.

Boss is gone a lot at work so I get to use his parking spot. Physical therapy is going well - still learning about my body and my horrible form. Used a bosu ball for the first time for squats during my appointment this morning. It reminds me of the bright pink ball we used to hop around on in Kansas, so elementary school.... I just looked for the toy which led me down a rabbit hole of 90s toys. Skip It! ... I still remember the commercial jingle.

Bye Bye Bye

I don't feel any different.

I think it's important to give myself time to think when I've made a big decision. How do I feel? Is there a problem? How much is dictated by society? For instance, I have 2 dresses I bought from H&M a few years ago when I first started this blog, so when I was in the throes of post-break up angst. I was so motivated to work out then. Anyway, when I pulled out the dress today I said, I'll look better in this if I lose more weight. I weigh about 135lb. I'm only 5'4", but I'm built muscular, so this isn't overweight. My problem spot is my stomach area because I'm built straight up and down, no hourglass. Even if I weight 125lb, I'd still not look good in that skin tight dress because I don't have waist definition. Anyway, society tells me that I look good when I have no visible chub and an hourglass figure. I'm  programmed to think that. I like my body. Me and my body are good now, well except for this tendency to break out over the past 2 weeks. Did spring allergies get replaced by pimples? Why do they have to be on my face?  Anyway, I like my body and I don't feel bad that I'm not an hourglass figure, and I'm sure if I was, I wouldn't be satisfied by the terms of society either. I mean, US society is traditionally satisfied by an airbrushed woman, hence all the empowerment campaigns.

I'm thinking that other people are more attached to their parents. I love my parents. We talk on the phone every week or so. We're thrilled when we see each other. But other people are so much more entwined with their parents. Are mine unusual?

When I was in lala-land right after the wisdom teeth removal, my younger cousins came over to see me and the 16yr-old said she used to think about what would happen if her parents died and she had to come live with us. She said she didn't want to because she was scared of spiders. Yeah, there are spiders in the downstairs of my parents' house. I thought it was funny because when I was younger, I always wondered what would happen if my parents died and I had to go live with her parents. Haha. Ah youth.

I heard on the Kane Show that today is the 15th anniversary of N'Sync's No Strings Attached album. It's their second album that had such hits as Bye Bye Bye, It's Gonna Be Me, and This I Promise You. Wow, Justin Timberlake has come far. Also, I was a kid, but I remember something that happened 15 years ago!  Today when Bye Bye Bye came on in the car, I was dancing the music video dance while driving to work. 9am isn't too early to party. Yay middle school.

Had a brioche at IHop today. Getting in those veggies and protein.

spot the song lyrics

It's been a while. What happened?

• Got all 4 wisdom teeth out on 2/26. Luckily, I went home for this because recovery was more miserable than I thought. My sister waited during the surgery and drove me back. Thanks, drugs, I have no memory of this.  My brother watched The Big Bang Theory with me (he's here!). My dad read me a story when the medicine made me too sick to look at the TV or words on a page. He made me stick to the ice routine. I couldn't have done that myself. I had to sleep sitting up, and then I'd wake up in the middle of the night from the pain.  I didn't go back to work until 3/3. I can chew and all now, but I still have to squirt a syringe in my mouth because food gets stuck in the holes and I can feel it!
• When I went back to work, it was during the horror, aka the busiest month of the year in this job. I worked 9.5/10 hour days consistently until yesterday.
• My dad had a birthday. My brother had a birthday. My St. Patrick's Day cousin had a birthday. My nana had a birthday. And my oldest McM cousin had a birthday.
• I started dating a cop. He got a job offer in TX. I guess we're over, but I still like him until he's gone. He texted me when I couldn't talk b/c of the wisdom teeth pain. And then he brought me flowers the first time he met me in person and told me my face wasn't that swollen.
• AK is going to live in UT for residency. Sundance, can I meet JGL? AC is going to live in Philly in June; why you just leave me? Just leave me be. Why you just leave me? Ushah, Ushah
• BG is consistently an awesome cousin. I'll never forget when we were all little kids and she gave us her Polly Pocket. We loved that toy.
• Did I mentioned I finished War and Peace? I found it surprisingly engaging until the very end devolved into philosophical ramblings.
• Didn't watch one K-drama until last night, when I watched 10 minutes of the first episode of Heard It Through the Grapevine. It's a weird show, filmed with a dark lens, the characters are funny/peculiar because they're pathetic. For now, I'll keep watching because of the peculiar.
• A spider bit me 5 times in the night, so I freaked out and slept in the twin bed for a week. Cleaned the little chest by my bed and there was the spider! I've had many enemies...  It's been 2 days since I got the courage to sleep in the queen bed again, but I threw that spider outside, so haven't had any more problems, knock on wood.

So what do I need to do?

• Get the courage to register for an adult swim class.
• Cancel the Verizon TV/landline and keep only the internet. Then buy a Hulu subscription as fast as I can. I miss the morning local news already. Patrice! Tom! Candace-baby's wooden smile!
• Buy work clothes that fit. Specifically pants.
• Visit Nana and Poppi on Easter.
• Maintenance request for them to fix the blinds in the twin bed bedroom.
• For the love of God, exercise in that gym you're paying for!
• Make an account on jobs.gov or whatever it is. Civil servant!

real pot pie

So I think the first ok cupid guy must have been a fluke. I mean, it was just so easy to meet up with him, and now I was on for one day and no bites at all. How am I supposed to date if there aren't any dates?

It's already snowing. I fully do not expect to go to work tomorrow. If there isn't a code red, I'll actually be kind of screwed, because there's no way I'll be able to get to work at the rate my apartment complex shovels out. So it'll be me shirking my duties. Not good. Today I only slept in, read War and Peace, and then went to Aldi. I cooked mini pot pies that turned out nothing like a real pot pie, and then put a pulled chicken recipe in the crock pot. We'll see how it turns out in 6 hours.

Yesterday for the first time ever I made pot pie. Well, mostly my friend made it. It's not as hard as I thought. The key is that I need some pie tins. And then you just cook the stuff on the stove first in chicken broth, add flour to thicken it and that crust really is magical. Can't believe that I didn't come to like pot pie until I was 20. Anyway, the baby didn't remember me at all! But I guess that's fair since I hadn't seen him in months. Soon I'll be that crazy auntie who tells you how she used to play with you when you were little and you have no memory of it so you just smile and nod because she wants you to remember. I already kind of do that with my one cousin, but the difference is I've known her constantly her whole life so there are just years that she can't remember. At least I won't get that blank look of no recognition from her. It makes me feel sad.

More and more I'm thinking of downsizing next year. I don't need an apartment this big, although I must shamelessly admit that I'm using all the closet space. I'll give the twin bed back to Mom and Pop, unless I can somehow disguise it as a second couch. Maybe a design magazine could help there. 32 days left of tv and a home phone line. Then no more bundle package for me! I'm not the most tech-savvy person, so learning to work hulu and netflix on my tv may be more than I can handle. I can see I'm going to have to google it.

My kindle tells me I'll finish War and Peace in about 2 and a half hours. Honestly, it's getting a bit boring in the end because it's not really about the characters but about the troop maneuvers at the end of the Napoleonic Wars. So dry and not the reason why I read fiction. Is this the February blues? Help me, Rhonda - help help me Rhonda!

yeah my mama she told me don't worry...

May have a problem. I know I have to cook so I can eat. I don't feel like cooking, so I'd rather go to bed hungry. That's what I did last night. Can't today - I need to cheer for myself! I need to be motivated to cook the tomatoes my grandfather gave me from his garden. He grew them himself, ya'll.

from MD, not PA, but close enough

Meghan Trainor's All About that Bass song is stuck in my head. I really haven't listened to the radio much this summer, so I don't know the new songs. Somehow I picked up this one though.

Praying for my nana.

God, can you send me someone good to me, who comes with mutual chemistry?

So I can only assume that RA got back together with his girlfriend, found a hookup, or is way better of an actor than I thought b/c I totally haven't talked to him since that Harper's Ferry trip. I mean, it's better that I don't, so thanks for being crappy to me I guess.

Breakups surround me, which is a change b/c I'm usually surrounded by weddings.

My youngest sister is now 21. My other sister spent the weekend with a boy. My brother tried out for the NBA development league. Right now he's on a bus headed from NYC to Modesto, CA. It's supposed to take 3 days. Won't see him again until July.

The Spurs won the championship. The soccer world up is on. I still like the Olympics better. I wish I had  a cute Korean drama to marathon. I wish I had Laurel friends. I know, I know - if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

sweetgum

The last day of May. I slept in and when I woke up there was blood everywhere. I felt like I was in a horror movie. Or an action movie, except nothing had happened except I woke up, so let's stick with horror movie. I dreamed that my car was searched at work. I dreamed a bunch of unpleasant things that I can't remember, probably because I was wet from all the blood and my body was telling me to wake up.

I found out what the tree is that's right outside - sweetgum! I used to love to identify trees. I still do, but I don't have my tree book, so I don't do it as often.

Didn't do much yet today except watch an odd movie from 1998 starring Drew Barrymore and Luke Wilson, one of those black comedies that never makes you feel happy or laugh. Just imdb-ed it and it was called Home Fries. Today is my last day of free HBO, so I had to watch something. I'll miss it, but there's no way it's worth actually buying with money.

Other things that I regularly contemplate buying: food, a blu-ray player, more books, another bookshelf, shirts, work pants, cute workout clothes, sports bras, and random thrift store quirk.

Other things I regularly put off doing: scheduling various medical appointments, picking up the vitamin D prescription from the pharmacy, going to Walmart, buying food, and (lately) running.

As far as dudes go, SC is disappointed in me and I feel guilty although there's no reason why I should since he needs to just forget about me b/c I don't think I'm capable of even developing a crush on him. RA is just an ass who is getting better at leaving me alone, which I hope he keeps doing for my greater good. And that's it! Why can't I at least have a crush like when I did with... oh wow I can't even think of his name right now, it wasn't Ryan... oh it was C! And his last name was... wow we're facebook friends and I can't even think of it. Anyway, the point is I at least had physical attraction towards him probably because I saw him for months in running clothes and liked him well enough but then when I saw him in actual work clothes it was like some switch turned. Can I get some attraction without having to convince myself that I am? It doesn't work if you force it.

I need another drama to watch! Right now, I'm into Gap Dong, but I'm all caught up on the episodes so I have to wait a week to be able to watch more. I need another drama to tide me over now that I've finished In a Good Way.

lemon lavender soy

I bought a lemon lavender flavored diamond candle and I love it. It just came in the mail today - it was here when I got back. I started burning it as soon as I got home, but I doubt it'll burn down to the ring. Looks like I'll have to wait until Monday when I get back.

I think I need a vacation because BH is starting to annoy me and usually I am really zen about - she can't help how she is. I think I need to turn down my level of work caring b/c it's one of those situations where you can't do anything right.

That said Memorial Day weekend is this weekend so I have 3 days of vegging. Thing is, I can't veg - I have to drive up to PA tomorrow morning, and then drive back Monday afternoon. Then on Tuesday, I committed to a 7am fitness boot camp at work. That's actually going to be fun b/c Victor is entertaining and I like a challenge. Need to figure out if I have to shower or just clean myself up with baby wipes afterwards.

In terms of boy news, the RA one just wanted a hookup and I told him I'm incapable of that. For what it's worth, I tried to be capable, but I just get way too attached & misery follows me for too long afterwards. Ugh, I don't need to move into depression b/c a dude who I've known for 2 months leaves for 6 months. I'll just enjoy the last dredges of whatever cologne he was wearing that rubbed off on the blanket I keep on my couch. I'm just happy it ended with no angst - I can feel good about it. Here's hoping the next guy who comes along likes me and I like him.

i'll live it up while i'm waiting...

another false start. and name me a good book written by a journalist.

I thought and I thought. And then I did. And then I thought. And I just can't do it. I am thinking about this in terms of my future self. I know this is a train wreck waiting to happen, so I'm cool with it not happening. I'm a little sad only because I wish it wasn't a train wreck. But it is, so there's nothing I can do.  Go with God.

Other than that, just kind of recuperated this weekend b/c I had a serious lack of sleep. I need to go to the bank to deposit my state refund check. I hate that bank so much. The location is such crap, I don't know how a million fender-benders don't happen in its tiny tiny dangerous parking lot. Banks.

I just read a mostly crappy historical fiction novel about a bank robber who was born in 1901, and then the Leo version of The Great Gatsby was on, so I've had it with prohibition and the roaring 20s and depressions for a while. I really need to give up on books written by journalists. I never like their writing styles. They're so dry and factual. Ugh, this one annoyed me because the author tried to go back and forth through time every 2 pages and he'd put the present in italics. Bleh. Italics. Such crap. I wound up skipping the italics just so I could finish the book, and then at the end the present was suddenly not italics again but it was still really boring, so I just skimmed the main ideas. I really didn't care - not the mark of a good novel.

Okay, I also confess to feeling weird about the guy because he never even tried to kiss me. It was just awkward, and then I feel like different people want you to make a bunch of sounds, and that's just not going to happen if I'm wondering what's going all because I'm thinking too much. At least I didn't get axe-murdered. They would have blamed the victim for sure.

at 7:30 in the morning

I volunteered!

And I am so tired. There is probably still paint on me in awkward places like my scalp. I met people! I'm probably also tired from having to be nice and friendly for 10 hours. I have to be nice and friendly at work, but that's over the phone and not constantly, so I'm good. Anyway, lesson is I should get out there and volunteer more b/c then I may finally find my best friend. The search is on, people.

I'm going to force myself to watch Bride of the Century ep10 because it's too early to sleep.

Also, I have problems with going off on tangents into the far and distant future.

i painted! and spackled, and swept, and planted...

Home

An hour or so ago I finished reading Home by Marilynne Robinson. I knew it was a good book, and then it made me go and cry at the end of it. The kind of crying where your eyes are shut and the tears still come, and you hold yourself still to keep grasping control. Control that wants to leave you for a while and come back too late. Haven't read a good book in too long. I got it from a thrift store a few weeks ago for 50 cents.

It surprised me how late I'd catch on to just what happened in Home. The book kept surprising me. I devoted my evenings to it for 3 days. It gave me a new appreciation of the necessity of the Civil Rights Movement, and it wasn't even about that.

3/27 won't come round again til next year

3/27. You know 27 is my favorite number, right? 3^3=27. It seems like something miraculous should happen today. I opened a wine bottle for the first time in my life. I don't know how I got this far without doing that - there was always somebody else around who wanted to open it. It wasn't as hard as everyone made it look. Simple machines - I love them. Now if I get a bottle opener, my alcohol collection will be complete.

Trying to find a car seat for an 8 month old, just to borrow for a few days, but I might have to buy it. I only have one friend with a kid around here, and she just had the baby Tuesday.

Went by the Amish market and it was closed! Say it ain't so. I love that place. I was looking forward to it the whole drive home. It's where I get my fruit. Maybe tomorrow.

SC emailed me about meeting up. I don't really see the point. I mean, if I at least felt some chemistry toward him then I wouldn't mind not being interested in the words that come out of his mouth. But I don't. And wow that was mean. But I'd rather be alone than forcing myself to be with someone. But maybe he just wants to be friends. I don't know. I mostly think he's just bored and can't meet enough girls, so he's falling back on me. Well there's a whole state full of them, dude.

My mom says she'll help me build some furniture. I'm up for that. I can't bring myself to buy the weak looking bookshelves in the crappy furniture places. And yet the quality stuff costs more than it's worth. First world problems.

smear

4 drawing/painting pieces today. At least I'm taking decoration steps. Although the decorating looks more like a college art project and less like adult decorating. But I gave up on adult decorating practically before I tried starting to adult decorate. I really wonder what the paint in that set is made of - am I really just wetting chalk with water and smearing it around construction paper? It comes off on my fingers even after it's dry.

this painting looks different in different lights. i painted it tho

Snowing outside and we're supposed to get 3-6in. Not again. Every time I clean snow off the car I sincerely believe it's the last time. Too close to the definition of insanity for comfort?

In other news, on James Morrison's facebook page he said he was going to surprise everyone with his new music. But James! I feel like I've barely learned how to appreciate your third CD. I don't have all the hours of listening that it requires. I don't know every single word without thinking yet.

post Apollo13 experience

I just watched Apollo13 (1995) for the first time since Mr. Anthony showed it to my 8th grade science class. I cried so much more this time.  It felt more personal, considering where I work. Also, if the world didn't love Tom Hanks in 1995, it certainly loves him now. By that I mean, I just feel happy when I look at him, and I think about Woody from Toy Story (1995) or Wilson the volleyball (2000's Castaway). Wow 1995 was a good year for Tom Hanks. Also, I love Gary Sinise since an English teacher showed Of Mice and Men (1992) to my 11th grade class. Yeah, I think Gary Sinise is hot. He's been married longer than I've been alive, but maybe he has a lookalike son! Dang it, his son is '90. Not the right age. Ah well.

Gary Sinese in some movie or other

Anyway, I also love Kevin Bacon. I shouldn't even have to say why. You should know why. You know why.

yeah. you know you know

Anyway, I worked 10 hours every day except for 1 with a cold this week. I think I can take that April vacation day without using any vacation hours. Good or sad? I don't know how BH did it last year - and I don't know how I'm going to do it this year. The new application definitely helps - if only I could kick MS off the development team and replace him with a clone of FN. I'm tired of having to tell him everything twice. How dumb is he? Okay, he might not be dumb, but for a programmer his attention to detail sure is lacking. A mistake once in a while is fine, but EVERY SINGLE TIME? No.  I need to go to the virtual library and rent a happy book. I wish Jennifer Crusie would write some more novels.

you tart, you

Brain surgery is going around. Successful ones luckily. All those days of starving and today I got free food at work from 3 different places. The potluck was the best.

I got Donna Tartt's book from the library. I had to place a hold on it, which I did maybe a month or two ago. And now I shall finally be able to read it. I mainly want to read it because The Secret History is one of my favorite novels and I'm waiting for her to write something again that blows me away.

I was moody today. I had to go to a lab meeting and socialize for 45 minutes while trying to stuff myself with green beans. I gave up. I didn't. I mostly thought about brain surgery and how there aren't enough women in science. A room full of scientists and only 4 including me were women. 3 including me were Black. 3 were Asian. How do boys do so poorly in grade school, but then by college there are like 2 girls in the higher level math and science classes? I should know - I've been one of the two girls. Is it like this in other countries?

Wondering. Wondering about that phd. At this point it won't happen unless I reach out and contact the university. Should I let this chance slip away? Is it a chance? I guess I just want permanence, and that's just an illusion, a thing I thought existed. I wish school would give that to me, but I'd have the degree and then still search for a job, bounce around, I don't want to bounce around with uncertainty, which is why the military lifestyle appeals to me. You're bouncing around with certainty, with purpose, with the security that you'll have a job, with minimal risk.

I started the Winter Shape Up 2014 program on Monday and I am sore. It lasts for a month. I don't mind because I need to get toned again. I still fit in my clothes, but what if that's only because my body is gradually stretching them? It should be warm enough by Friday for me to run outside. Yay to the yay.

i could do that.

42 - the answer to the question of life, the universe, and everything

Having my own address means getting a bunch of mail. I used to love that Blues Clues "Mail Time" song. I still really love getting mail, but I've become selective, as in, I love getting letters/cards/notes from people I actually know. Today after work I threw on my anorak coat and ventured to the mailbox before I got to used to the warmth of inside, and there was a whole bunch of mail in my box.

this is basically the coat

Since I moved here, I've lived in a state of perpetual guilt towards the mailman because I don't check the mail every day. Heck, I don't even check it every other day.  Anyway, instead of the usual junk mail (insurance stuff, grocery store sales, etc.), I got some goodies:

• EG's book
• new baby card from E and P (naked baby pics are still happening)

And then I got some goodies that were only "good" in a practical way... like tax forms and rental insurance agreements. Why do they print it all out on separate pages? Such a waste of trees. We could at least do double sided. And the paper feels so nice - there's no way it's recycled.

Mail time was good time today. Also, how is is that 36 degrees this morning felt positively balmy? The ability of humans to adapt continues to shock me. A little over a month ago I was in 80 degree Hawaii and feeling cold at night, when let's face it, the low was 72. And now here I am feeling that a scarf was overdressing for 36. At least my body is prepared for tomorrow's high of 18. If this is what global warming brings in the winter, then I am sorry I ever was the tiniest bit glad that it was warming because I thought that meant I would be warmer. Yes - I'm ashamed okay? That was before I got a master's in geography and wrote a thesis in the environmental planning field. But oh even during the time I was earning my degree I still reveled in warm weather. I have problems, okay? Leave me alone in my shame.

Am flipping back and forth on online dating. Mostly because I don't know if I even want to. I know I want to hang out with friends. The times I wish there was a man around are when I have to shovel snow or fix a car. That's not a good reason to start dating.  Ever since I was little, I've heard people talking about how you get too old to live with anyone b/c you can't adjust and compromise. I now see how that could happen, because I don't have to compromise with anyone right now and I'm loath to change that. Also, I talked with my sisters and I don't have to get married until I'm 42 now, so the pressure's off. And as always, breaking up is hard to do.

the top of my list

Snow days spoil me. I hope tomorrow there's a delay and I get to stay home and telework instead of going in. Yes, I am actually lazy.  Half the time I wish I could just go home (my parents' home) and lie around for two months. Then I'd be ready to work again.

Started freaking out because I suddenly started to itch. I looked at my leg and I think there's hives. It has to be the orange juice I just drank. I mean, other than that I only had rice and there's no way that I'm allergic to rice. The orange juice might be expired. Anyway, I started frantically looking around for a Benadryl and lo and behold, I don't have any. So that's on the top of my list the next time I stop by the grocery store. And I was just in Walmart this morning, but stupidly I didn't buy any medicine at all. I need my mom to make me a list of the items I should always have on hand. That'll prevent the freakout - because if I did have a real allergic reaction, I'd have to call an ambulance since the apartment complex has not yet shoveled or plowed anything at all.

they plowed nothing, i tell you

Must sleep now because I have to wake up at the regular time and probably shovel snow. If there's a delay, I still have to do that. If there's not a delay, I am going to be late to work. If the center is closed (which I doubt), then I'll sleep in and not bother to go outside until noon.

cone of shame

Sending the negotiation email made the lease go down by about $60. Can I get $30 more? Especially when they keep threatening that the other utilities are going to go up. All that searching and I still only have the one apt complex that I could live in. Ugh, it's just that I'm not a huge fan of this area in general. It's too crowded. If only work was located in the country - or I could telework 2 days out of the week. Then it would be work it to live somewhere with a farther commute. Wow I am a country person. I just get so tired of all the people when I walk outside. Who knows how bad it'll be by the time I'm 80. I wonder if I have the finances to buy a place, and then rent it out while I live somewhere I want to live. My parents did it, and they still rent a place in VA Beach. The difference is, my dad can fix things, although it's not like he fixed the place when we lived in Ft. Leavenworth or RI. On the other hand, I could marry up. Oh how everyone wants to do that - it's never going to happen. I can't even find a man I'm attracted to, much less one I want to marry. My hormones are freaking picky.

...

Okay I called home and talked to my sister to make me feel better. Any one of my family members are equally as great to talk to in terms of dragging me out of depression, and she got genuine laughter out of me when she described Darcy's reaction to wearing a knee brace and the cone of shame. Poor doggie.

from Up

this post is pure thinking

One minute you're feeling satisfied with your lot in life, and the next your apt complex wants to increase your rent by $120 per month, a snowstorm dumps 5 inches outside, and no one shovels anything but you, plus the windchill is -1 outside, so your fingers actually ache when you come inside and all the warnings of frostbite rings in your head, and then you forgot to write down one of your work passwords, so you can't work, and your car won't go anywhere, so you'll have to make up the hours later now.

Even if you now have to start aggressively apartment hunting again, this time probably for a one bedroom apt, at least there's the chance of negotiation. At least you have somewhere to live until the lease runs out. At least S isn't contacting you so maybe he's not going to and you'll never have to deal with that again. You know when you wish he would hook up with random girls, but know it could never happen b/c of how cheesy he is, and wish he was cooler so that he could get them, and you're not one iota jealous, that it's better for you if he never calls. Please let's start 2014 fresh.

$120 though. And it wasn't so easy to write that blog for the professional website after all. With the stress, it started out pointless, just a way to calm really, and doesn't have many lessons about writing in it at all. It's mostly you imagining you were somewhere where there are no bills and mean strangers. But that place doesn't exist. Oz isn't it. Or Neverland. Or Wonderland. One thing children's stories teach is there's always someone being mean somewhere.

There. At least I hear them shoveling the sidewalk. Maybe I will only have to shovel my small walkway now. Maybe they'll even shovel that, but I doubt it. They're gone now. That was fast.

Anyway, I half want to cry. I did want to cry last night when I got the email. But if anyone will calm me down from being ridiculous, it's my father and AC. I readily admit that I need a damper put on my imagination sometimes.  I'm reading a post-apocalyptic book where everyone kills each other on sight and the only people who survive are the mean ones. The narrator isn't a mean one, but made an alliance with one, and that's really the only reason he's still alive. I'm not even halfway through it, but I love the writing style. It's unconventional b/c everyone died of the flu, which the main character, Hig, had, but somehow survived. He said it cooked his brains though, which I believe because his thoughts, sentences just end. It's first person. I like it a lot.

"Maybe I like you.... Maybe I like you a lot." - Major Payne

Can't wait to see the new Sherlock season.