let the quest begin

The 2nd to last day of 2012. I slept in. I learned a new stretch from an exercise video. I went to the gym (many attractive gay men there today). I took a hot shower and it felt good. I decided to apply to 5 PhD programs (been flipping back and forth on it for months). I stumbled across an old Boyz II Men song on my laptop called "Doin Just Fine." It's unmistakably 90s, but when I used to listen to it, I was too young to know about relationships. Today it was like hearing the song for the first time. 2013 mini-goal: to get to the point of view the song expresses.

It's resolution time. Usually I'm like everyone else - I vow to work out more. But (for the first time since high school) I already work out. I even dress well; I get clothing compliments from strangers. I like that women compliment each other - it's unifying. Anyway, this year I resolve to find out what I want.

Let the quest begin.

Back story: I was shy in grade school. Part of the reason was that as the oldest kid, I was used to taking care of other kids and bossing them around. That doesn't make you many friends, so I did the opposite and shut-up all the time. Another part of the reason was that I was raised on military bases, which aren't conducive to lasting friendships. I also hated confrontation. Kids are all about confronting something or another - other kids, bugs, dirt, you know. And when we moved to mostly white Rhode Island, that's when the shyness from being different started. We moved again and my high school was more diverse, but I was in honors classes, which meant I was usually the only black kid. If you're not an outspoken only black kid, there you are - your own circle of quiet in the middle of the room.

So with one exception, I didn't make any real friends until college. I credit the boy in the dorm next door for helping me open up. He was the first person who said, "You're so loud!" I haven't seen him in years, but I can still see his face when he said it. He was leaning away from me a little and laughing. I love that kid.

Now that I'm adultish, I'm still your stereotypical Libra. I want balance everywhere. In social situations, I want everyone else to be happy and then I think about myself. This makes me a great party planner. This often results in me not even knowing what I want because I've never thought much about it. So in 2013, I'll explore. What's my favorite drink when I go to a bar? Do I have enough patience to waitress part-time? Baby steps.

Happy new year!

mirror mirror

(Today anyway) I accept the fact that I'm in an in-between stage of life when I'm more unemployed than employed, more sad than happy, and apparently inclined to write poetry. I used to be more of a novel girl, which evolved to short stories, and now I keep fiddling with this poem. It's based on an image I see while running, and inspired by Jack Gilbert's "Rain." Some of the most fun shit I've written has been inspired by my experiences alone in nature, but I don't know anything about the act of writing poetry. I mean, I've studied writing it and reading it on an intellectual level, and I've done it before, but it felt like pretending to be a poet. This also feels like pretending, but I'll write the same poem until it feels like something else. I don't need to identify as a poet to write a poem.

I'm sipping on coconut chai tea and reveling in the new exercise clothes I got today. For Christmas, Mom got me four pairs of workout pants, but 2 were yoga pants, so I exchanged them for running tights and a teal sports bra. I also got gas (went up 10¢ - ouch!), and covertly stared at myself in the store's floor length mirrors. Tell me I'm not the only one who does that. Why was the active wear section full of yoga pants? I don't know one woman who does yoga.

Mirror mirror, on the wall, watch me strut up and down the hall.

I ran yesterday in the cold, but fully bundled up. Still forgot to bring a tissue. I wound up blowing my nose on  a biodegradable doggie pooper-scooper bag from a stand in the park (My finest hour?).  Running in the cold is demoralizing because I'm so freaking slow. It now takes me 50 minutes to go 4 miles. I think I need to go to the gym instead tomorrow. I like when the machines lie to me and tell me I've burned 700 calories in one hour.

A low-ish day on the roller coaster. I may have teared up at an old Avril Lavigne song on the radio, but it might have been Michelle Branch. I shake my head at me. Still having unsettling dreams about being in grade school or about lots of (various) bugs, all of them after me.

saw clouds, saw the moon

Well I'm calmer than yesterday. I'm still upset. Why can't I just get over it? That's what I'm most upset about. Why can't I just get over it? People get over things all the time, so why can't I? This is ridiculous. How much longer do I have to go on keeping busy in order to not think, only to immediately start thinking the second I get some downtime? I don't talk about this, because I think that makes it worse and I'd be sick of me if I was my friend. I'm abstract today.

Trekked around in fresh snow with sissy and the dog. Saw clouds, saw the moon. I love how light the night is when the land is coated in snow. I tracked deer prints. Everyone's home for Christmas.

When I run outside, it's like I'm made of snot. I usually forget to bring tissues. I keep cussing because the wind hurts. I think it tries to kill me. My pace slows as I hunch my shoulders to fight off the cold - bad form.

text conversation

I'm weak. Saturday morning before a run, I texted Bud about carpooling with B to a Christmas party, and he had to work and couldn't go, which I expected. But we actually had a conversation. Well, a text conversation. And I remembered (again) that I like him as a person; for the first time in months, I actually laughed because of something that he said. The only laughing I've done about him has been slightly bitter. But this just surprised me, a genuine laugh. At the time I was like, cool, this is good, this is closure.

The previous Friday night and Saturday night I went out and the conversation eventually turned to relationships and dating, and everyone else has so much more experience, and seems so confident. It made me think, hey, I can handle a texting conversation with an ex. So the above texting conversation happened. But now all day I keep thinking about him, even though I know nothing - absolutely nothing - will happen.

The only good thing is that all this relationship saturation (starting from when I was in San Francisco) has told me a lot about what I can take and leave in a man. I'm going to have to go with the Adele song "Someone Like You," because Bud is the type of man that works for me. I don't have to dumb myself down or talk myself up. I'm not too smart. Let me tell you, I have scared many a man off because I'm "too smart." It's stupid. I also happen to be black, but raised on military bases, so I'm not black enough for the average black person. Yes, that so-called AAVE (African-American Vernacular English), I can't speak it. I understand it, but I can't say it back. Just like Spanish. That creates an immediate distance between me and black men. Yet the fact that I'm black creates a distance between me and men of other races.

Last night, my friend's brother was saying, don't even go looking for a man. One will find you. I didn't go looking for Bud- we got to talking and he asked me out. I wasn't sure about him, but I trusted him, so I said yes and it went on from there. But that doesn't happen often. Since we broke up, I get tired of waiting, but at the same time I apparently can't handle dealing with some other guy if texting Bud breeds tears, angst-inspired running, and weird dreams about still being in school. God, help.

In the meantime, I'm cleaning the bathroom. The shelves were cluttered with all this crap no one's used in years. So many spider webs. Floor scrubbing is next.

something i have never done before

The world didn't end; there was no longer any way I could avoid Christmas shopping. I went to 6 stores, 1 mall, and the post office, but it's done, it's done, it's really done. I also finally donated two bags of clothes to the Goodwill that sat in my car for 2 weeks, waiting for me to deliver them to their new home. I thank you clothes, for your patience.

I am now off to do something I have never done before in my entire life - eat at Olive Garden. Chain restaurants aren't as fun as little family-owned ones, but it's fricking cold outside and all the family-owned ones force me to walk far. I will gladly run around in the woods in 30 degree weather, but don't ask me to walk.

I'm still alive. That's the chorus of the below song by Big Bang, aka the only k-pop group I actually like.

the cold

I saw a newscaster on television who got the lucky task of covering the festivities celebrating the end of the Mayan calendar in sunny Mexico. He said about 70-80% of the tourists were there to party. Hope he enjoys himself, because I would. Sun and warm weather sounds so good. I'm so ready for the winter solstice. These short days are hard, the nights too long. Some nights I try to pick out constellations like Orion and Cassiopeia, but the cold mostly keeps me inside.

when I see stars, that's all they are (fun.)

Tomorrow I'm going to go out early and finish Christmas shopping. I don't want to stand in lines this weekend. Speaking of giving, I love sending out cards. I'm a card snob. Last year I bought fabulous Winnie the Pooh ones and wrote little messages. No money for expensive cards, so this year my sissy gave me some. Beggars can't be choosers, but low card scores for me this year. Maybe not as low as the one that appeared on our garbage cans, which was signed from the thrashman (last year it was the tashman). I really should forgive that, because what point is there in holding someone's spelling mistakes against them?

I love my blue drop waist dress from Urban Outfitters; I only wish it had long-sleeves. Not sure if I can winterize it without suffering. I'll experiment tomorrow. The weather forecast for Saturday is windy. Wind in the winter is no wind in the willows; it makes me cry.

jumpy

You  know how when it's close to sunset and you look out across a lake and you're blinded by the glare of the light on the water? And how all along the lake, you have to shade your eyes and the sun creates a sheet of white that hurts your eyes? 

Well the thing is that the blinding light must actually go across the whole surface of the water, but you only catch the one angle. Imagine if you could stand on the shore and see the whole lake shining all at once. You wouldn't be able to really look at it b/c it's so bright, but it bugs me that I can't see what's really there. I think there's a story in here somewhere.

Yesterday, I met an amateur historian. He lives in a 240+ year old house that's haunted and he's seen ghosts all around the township where my parents live. One of his daughters saw the ghost of a man who died in a hunting accident near the township building. I asked him if he's seen a ghost in my park, but he said not on the trails, only in the historic mansion. Since I never go inside there, I'm fine with it. But of course today as I was running, I thought about ghosts popping up on the trail in front of me and what I would do if that happened. Of course I saw nothing but trees, leaves, horse shit, and park employees - I didn't even see any deer. I also don't want to see a ghost or hear a ghost or feel a ghost, and I think if you don't want something or believe in it, a lot of times, you don't get it. Think The Skeleton Key - voodoo can't affect you unless you believe it can.

This could be me, not that I jog in a dress.

While running, I thought about the above-mentioned shining lake, how I need to stop eating Fiber One brownies, how Bud won't go to that mutual friend's Christmas party (which saves me a lot of trouble), how 3 out of 4 of my close friends from undergrad are going to be Dr.s, how I keep secrets by spilling only to people totally unconnected to the secret (or to my mom), and about whether I can justify buying new shoes to go with the dress I'm wearing to Christmas parties this year, despite the fact that I still have a dozen Christmas presents to buy.

if i want anything

If I want anything these days, it's peace. Not world peace, I'm talking me peace. A lot of what turned me into a runner this year is the fact that running does more for my mind than my body. And while I have an unhealthy obsession with weighing myself, I don't run because I want to drop another pants size. I run to feel the determination that goes through me when I get out of the car and walk towards the hill at the start of my park run. I run to hit that wall so I can keep going until my whole body settles into an easy rhythm. I run so I can be alone in the woods in the winter and the spring and the summer and the fall. Then, I know the world and myself like I don't anywhere else these days. I depend on it.

If I'd had these worries before, I would have started running earlier. But there are only so many hours I can spend running through the woods. This is the first time in life I've lacked peace. It startles me every day. I keep waiting for it to go away, or come back. I keep reading novels and short stories and giving myself tasks and applying for school and applying for work and making lists. But there's always some moment when my mind isn't occupied and then all those tasks were for nothing. And here I thought the melo teenage years were behind me.

Is anyone else ever terrified of finding a body? TV has ruined  me.

today's dusk is an odd blue light

When I went to San Francisco, I forgot my contacts. It's a relief to put them in and see my face again. Don't know what it says about me that I feels like glasses block my face more than makeup ever could. Now when I look in the mirror, there I am. I'm relieved. Contacts are a miracle.

Went to my grandmother's church this morning. I don't usually, but she wanted the family to light the advent candles. We are the slackers who show up a half hour late. It bothered me when I was younger, but now I'm more c'est la vie. And now church is calming. It's a relief to think about something other than myself.

Revelation: There's a reason church choirs repeat the same line over and over during a song. The first few times, I concentrate on knowing the words. Then, I get comfortable. The next few times, I'm so bored that I begin to evaluate whether I mean the phrase I'm singing. The (hopefully) last few times I either mean it, or descend into a half-conscious haze. Without the monotony of repetition, I'd never think about the lyrics.

Ran in the park. The woods are beautiful in the winter with no leaves. It was an overcast day when the light at 11am is the same as the light at 2pm and at 4pm. And dusk is an odd blue light that lasts mere minutes.

Looks like magic.

firsts, it's good to be back

Back from Oakland. Spent 12 hours traveling:
First red-eye flight.
First delayed flight (we sat, plane fully loaded, on the runway for an hour and 45mins).
First mad dash though ATL to make a connecting flight.
First time truly not minding landing/taking off.
I'm glad I always tie a ribbon around the handle of the luggage case, because they all look the same.

It's good to be back.

My photo of the twisty street in SanFran, aka Lombard St.
People actually live on it.

Going to see the midnight premiere of The Hobbit with both my sissies, even if it's freezing and I'm jet-lagged, because we're all LOTR nerds. Can I get an Elijah Wood sighting?

yellow a terrible amber

I took the GREs. So glad that's done. I was worried about getting lost on the way, but when I got off at the Conshohocken exit, I realized I'd been there before- summer 2011. I channeled my Frodo voice to mock his statement from the first LOTR movie- We've been here before! Yes, I have an irrational love for Elijah Wood. Fates that be, can we hang out one day (soon)?

I promise, he's tiny and interesting. Taller than me, so we're good. IMDb says he's 5'6 people.

Last post, I admitted that I'm petty. So of course I have a burning desire to know what Bud's scores were so I can be sure that I beat them. I'm pretty smart (but so is he), and I tutored SATs for 2 years (secret - same test), so there's a good chance I beat him. Why am I so petty? Ergh.

Here's a poem that I love:

Suddenly this defeat.
This rain.
The blues gone gray
and yellow
a terrible amber.
In the cold streets
your warm body.
Among all the people
your absence.
The people who are always
not you.

I have been easy with trees
too long.
Too familiar with mountains.
Joy has been a habit.
Now
suddenly
this rain.

--Jack Gilbert, Rain

That last stanza is me. For the past ... 3 years I was lalala life and nature; I hugged trees, I hiked, walks in the woods proved God to me again and again. Granted, I still do all those things, but the Bud thing made me refocus. Or made me realize that I was here with the rest of ya'll all along, that I have no hope of escape from all the bad and the mediocre, that joy comes from other people too, not just nature and solitude. So yeah, I can't be a writer yet, because I only know how to write and retreat. I'm so bad at multi-tasking because I forget I'm doing it, sinking into one passion to the exclusion of my other selves.

And how fantastic is poetry? I'm pretty sure Jack Gilbert is an old white guy who wrote this in the 1980s, but he knew how I'd feel decades later, because he felt it then. Miracle.

waiting for outlier status

I was so frustrated at my part-time job today that I wanted to cry. The only thing that stopped me from dissolving into spiteful self-pitying tears was the fact that I was surrounded by middle-aged men in cubicles. Luckily, right at the moment when I started whining and swearing at the computer, I solved the problem. Yay me?  Sissy says I should ask for some Midol and a Snickers. <--White Chicks reference. Now there's a movie that's so bad I watched it over and over again. My siblings and I now know the actor's lines better than the scriptwriter ever did. Other movies I enjoy include Major Payne, The Mummy Returns, Pride & Prejudice (2005), and the first LOTR. Judge away.

No one will admit to being this person.

I tried to force myself to crush on the temp job guy. Alas, I merely think he's funny and that we should be friends. Why is there no one I'm interested in? I also tried to force myself to crush on this guy who works at my gym, but I run outside mostly so I barely see him. At this point, I'm still more interested in Bud than anyone else, although that's just because I'm not interested in anyone. Don't worry - I accept the fact that Bud won't get over his ex for at least the next 2 years, ironically she is over him and won't take him back. (I think she's stuck on some other guy from before/during him.) That's not even a love polygon. It's just a line. A line I want out of. Waiting for outlier status. It's gotten better, so as long as time keeps doing it's job, I'm set. I confess that I'm super-siked for my friend's Christmas party b/c I'm going to look hot. I don't know if Bud's going, but I want him to so I can look better than him. The dude has no fashion sense; if he would only buy clothes that fit, he could go up like 2 points on the 1-10 hotness scale. Anyway, I'm petty, like that. But I'm trying not to build up this party in my head b/c I won't enjoy it for all the great people who'll be there.

Party, party, party, let's all get...

Does anyone else find themselves defending their ex to other people? Yes, I want other people to criticize any ex of mine because I'm awesome, so obviously there's something wrong with them, but I always feel like if I jump on the negativity bandwagon it could spiral out of control. So I defend.

rabbits, rabbits, rabbits

I forgot to say rabbits, rabbits, rabbits this morning. I usually forget, but today is the first time I stepped in (cleverly) hidden horse poop on my run. I blame the leaves. Today I ran with my phone and used an app to see how far I really go- 3.5 miles. If I add on the extra hill challenge in the end, then 4.0 miles. To save my knees, I walk the downhills (I'm such a granny). Poop aside, I love trail running. I've run in that park over 100 times since April and never once did I step in horse poo until today.

Because animals kissing doubles the cute.

Ask and thou shalt receive. I'm now losing 2 games in that word game you play with your friends. One game, I have no hope of winning. The second, I could still come back.

I take the GREs on Wednesday. Mleh. I'm flying to visit friends in Oakland for about a week on Thursday. What clothes do I pack? I must run once while there to stay in shape. They're foodies.

memories in the forest

I need to be taken down. Mentally, not physically. A couple years ago, I got really good at Scrabble - all so I could beat my cousin who's 6 years younger than me. Yeah, I'm intimate with the 2-letter word list. Recently, I gave into peer pressure and started a certain words game that you play with your friends. And now I'm beating them and getting a really big head about it. Humility is ingrained in me (thanks parents), so of course this means a bad thing will happen to punish me for my overconfidence. Someone beat me before something really bad happens.

This is a great song to sing to, which should be done at the top of the lungs.

I went out and about today in the snow, then rain, then snow, then rain. Nature is indecisive. So am I. Places hold memories - I think this is accepted as fact. So do songs. Objects. Actions. Sounds. I guess everything does but a memory itself. And even that could be said too - a memory of a memory - something you used to know. So how do I forget? If I don't walk them enough, will the neural pathways grow over until I walk right by the spot in the woods where there used to be a path? It's easy to get lost in the woods, especially at night. And what is the neural equivalent of forest growth. Is it not me that's keeping the growth back by walking the same paths, but the forest animals inside my brain. This metaphor has gone too far, but I like the idea of an ecosystem up there. "Ecosystem" implies I don't have full control, that my actions and reactions have unpredictable results.

A much lighter forest than the one I imagine exists in my brain.

Yes, that was about Bud. Stupid house I have to walk by on my way to my old internship reminded me.

con los cerezos

Sitting crammed in the car with my Black Friday purchases for the 5 hour road trip home made my left leg experience a mysterious pain. Pain is exacerbated by running. I never mentioned that my post-Thanksgiving run kicked my ass the other day. Yeah... There was wind and a 20 degree temperature drop and I lost my mp3 player and so much snot dripped from my nose, but I'd forgotten to bring a tissue. At least I wore a hat and those thin gloves they sell everywhere for $1. Yes, the experience scared me off of my beautiful park.

Today I drove to the gym instead. My gym is next to a different park, so of course I couldn't resist running, despite my leg. But I only did a half mile! Then I worked out on the elliptical and that nameless machine that's a cross between a treadmill and an elliptical. The machines told me I burned over 700 calories, but I'm skeptical. I waved to my favorite gym employee, came home, and did 3 sets of a 10lb weight exercise that my super-fit (and former body-building) uncle swears will tone my waist. Considering the fact that my arms and my waist are sore, I think it's working. Reader, I'm excited.

Snow in the forecast for the early morning hours. I have a 9am meeting 20 miles away, so hoping this forecast is full of lies. The meeting is business casual - I'll be breaking out the knee high boots, tights, oxblood skirt, peacoat, cute hat - the works. I caught up on my favorite fashion blogs today. Can you tell?

This is beauty. But don't make me wake up to this. Please?

Also, can a future boyfriend say this to me one day?

Although I like you, although, although

I should avoid times when I have nothing to do. I came across these sentences in a short story this morning and what if they're a warning?:

"I felt myself entering my own reality as if it were a tunnel or a dream. I know now you lose yourself by going deeper. It is a hole you slip down. You think you are getting close to truth when actually your mind reveals nothing."

---Transparency, Frances Hwang

What does this say about the age-old practice of keeping a diary? About blogging? I admit that life is easier when the time I have to reflect is precious. Too much idleness has become unhealthy for me. Kids can stand it for some reason, look at them with those long summer vacations. But I'm happier busy. Yes, I take the quote with a grain of salt; it's too easy to write about characters who are in pain. It's easier to convey sadness than joy. Just look at all the photos of supposedly happy people online.

A Gap ad about friendship.

I was very busy for about a month, up until yesterday. I don't want to say I'm back to where I was before, to feeling, on a daily basis, the sadness it's so easy to write about. But I will say I'm closer. Maybe I didn't need to go see Bud on a whim before. Maybe there is no closure. I think that although I like him as a person, I can't be friends with him. Seeing him is good, but painful. I can't enjoy his presence anymore. So that's what I was mourning these past months. Hey! - people who can be friends with an ex - how?

i'll have none of that mess from you

Hey yo, can I getcho nuuumba?

For the first time, I gave a guy my number first. Yesterday was the last day of my temp job, so I went around saying farewell to people I've genuinely come to like. Buuut, when I made it over to him he was still working. We mouthed wordless goodbyes. I discovered (again) that I can't read lips. I was disappoint. But my sissy reminded me that I could just email him at work, since it wasn't his last day. I agonized all night over the wording and didn't sleep well, but in the morning, before I could over-think, I sent it. It's like I'm an adult or something. I forgot what potential feels like.

I went out with two of my girls for an authentic Mexican brunch. Yum. After non-alcoholic margaritas, we discovered they had no churros! What kind of Mexican place has no churros? We settled for 25¢ gumballs. I dropped K back at her apartment and was on my way to take B to the bus stop. Buuut, first we stopped by school and who should be there but Bud. And good news - I'm over him! I was thinking that I was, but I wasn't sure until B and I sat and talked with him for half an hour. Being around him makes me talk super fast and I tell myself to calm down, but I accept that. There was no crying afterwards. No depression. To be sure I could stave it off, I went home, changed, and went for a run. I felt great, a relief since I was so weak during my last run. Barely anyone was there. I crossed paths with a grand total of 4 people and 2 dogs. I swear I only live next to the middle of nowhere. I did my 25 post-run push-ups, got in the car, and viola! the guy from my temp job had responded. He's my kind of people.

Churros: what K,B, and I should have been eating instead of gumballs

Happy turkey day to all. I hear turkeys are dumb. I never told the story of the farmer who kept a field full of turkeys. Well, one day it rained, and all the turkeys looked up at the sky for the source of the water. Where was it coming from? They looked up and stared and stared. And then, one by one, they drowned.

what we're capable of

While doing my hair, I watched a Korean TV show called Vampire Prosecutor 2. The show is Law and Order: Criminal Intent + Interview with a Vampire + Stand By Me (okay and liberal eyeliner). This season hasn't been as arresting as the first, but today there was a scene where the autopsy doctor threatens a child-trafficker for info about a kidnapped girl. The doctor speaks about the many times he's met the family of a dead person, how they cry and cry. It took me back to the emergency room in 2001, because autopsy doctor is right. And then I started crying. This is why I love fiction. I've learned so much about life through books, so much about people I will never meet, and even if I did meet them, I would never know them the way it's possible to know someone in a book. I learn so much about who I am and who other people are from books.

People people everywhere.

I'm reading Last Night in Twisted River by John Irving. John Irving's novels are monsters. They're super dense and super long. I'm a very fast reader, but his novels take me weeks. Still, take this quote -

"What Danny had desired in his wife only filled him now with revulsion- and this had taken a mere two years to transpire. (The loving-her part would last a little longer; neither Danny nor any other writer could ever explain that.)" -302

This is the aspect of break-ups that started this blog. Knowing the person isn't right, but loving them anyway, uncontrolled. I'm not saying I loved the guy, but I could feel the potential. And that's what's so exciting about relationships, not just romantic ones- potential. And then it surprises you- how close you get, and how far apart you'll always be. When you push and find that no matter how hard, it's not enough, or that you didn't need to push so hard, that you can stop now, or that you can't push any more, that you hate it, that you love your friend anyway. I think people are capable of loving very easily. Not of falling in love easily, but of loving someone, of reaching the point where you care, the point where you protect them. Or maybe that's just me. I've been reading, and so I know I'm soft.

The first thing I do when I open a book is smell it.

Ran today. My legs felt weak, buuuuut I did 25 push-ups! And I saw the friendliest man, walking his dog. He smiled at me and asked me how I was, and I instantly liked him. Instant like is rare.

Outside and inside; alone and together

I had the day off from my temp job. Only Monday and Tuesday left. It made me sleep like an adult. Sleeping in means 8:30am. I get tired every night at 8pm. Shaking my head...

I now fit into size 7 pants from the juniors section. Thank you exercise. Let's see, I started to get in shape back in April/May. I probably actually got in shape in June. And now it's mid-November. That's five and a half months of being in shape. I think the last time I was in shape for this long was back in high school for indoor and outdoor track. I'm proud of myself, especially for summoning up that willpower to go to the gym after work. I don't like the cold, but once I'm in the car I'm ready, and I'm never sorry once I'm there. I love running in the park, but there's something about working out surrounded by strangers that forces me to try harder. Competitiveness. Peer pressure. The possibility of meeting a hot guy who works out.

I fought it, but I'm starting to see Ryan Gosling's appeal.

I like to be alone, but I also like to have people to go back to when I'm done being alone. I like steady worlds. Outside is always steady, the trees, the gravel, fallen leaves, the sun blinding me from across the lake. It's inside, I still need to find the steadiness. And I think that by steadiness I mean people, relationships I can count on. Outside of family, I don't have many stable local relationships. I have some great friends, ...who are spread across the country.

traffic jams (and jellies and marmalades)

So this temp job requires me to think just enough and be just busy enough that I'm too tired at night to be introspective. Take yesterday. I got home 6ish, changed into workout clothes, drove to the gym, did the elliptical and this weird step(ish) machine for over an hour, stopped at the grocery story to buy bread, came home, showered, made my lunch/snacks for the next day, then went to sleep. There's no time for thinking in any of that. And then the weekend comes and you cram in all the home things you neglected during the week. So this is how people are satisfied going to work and coming back 5 days a week until they retire. It's lulling. I myself would be lulled if it wasn't for the infuriating traffic jams. A job right near King of Prussia, the location of what was at one point the largest mall in America, is bound to have ridiculous traffic. I'm almost at the point where I accept traffic jams as normal.

To keep myself gym-motivated, I decided to make friends with the guy who's always there when I go. I should ask him what his name is the next time I see him.

I'm drinking Evening Comfort tea, a blend I got from my local Cha Tea Store. Cha means tea in Mandarin, so the title is redundant, but I don't think I'm supposed to know that. I'm not sure what's in Evening Comfort, but I know it includes ginger+peppermint+lemon rind. I love it.

Don't look at the ginger tag on tumblr. My eyes...

During a lull at work, I texted everyone that I hadn't texted since October. This is my new plan for keeping in touch with people. Thank you, phone which doesn't require me to delete old text messages.

Excellent books I finished recently:
Gold Boy, Emerald Girl by Li Yiyun
Saint Maybe by Anne Tyler

if Paulo Coehlo spoke to me

I'm still sad in general. Why this should be, I don't know. It's starling every time I realize I'm unhappy. I must still be an optimist, because I realize it over and over. (This morning I was reading a scene in an Anne Tyler's Saint Maybe where the father and son buried their dog in the yard, and I started crying because it reminded me of when my dog died almost 2 years ago and we buried her).
I think I was a happy person before this summer, but these days I force myself not to be a downer. It is possible that something fundamental changed. But what changed and how do I cope with it? And how could it change that fast? At least I'm working; the novelty of my temp job is still there, but I feel it wearing away. Hopefully some of the shine sticks as I progress throughout the month.

I'm always in a rush to self-sacrifice for somebody.
Is it because I'm the oldest child and a Libra?

One of my school friends might be coming down next weekend and wants to get people together for lunch/drinks, including Bud. I want to see the rest of them, but I think this is going to mess me up. I might not go. I need to date other people so I can stop drifting back to my last relationship. Since the only people I meet lately (married) are coworkers, does this mean I have to internet date? But I feel like I should be able to get dates without resorting to the internet.

"when i see stars that's all they are..." -Some Nights

temping is no joke

I should be asleep right now. Wanted to chime in with what I knew to be fact before, but didn't really believe. The 8:30-5 shift is hard when it's really 7:30-6 and the highlight of your day is your lunch hour. I've started to regulate my snack times so I don't fall into the trap of eating a reasonable lunch, working until 5, driving home, and pigging out for dinner.

Pigs are cute, but I'm not into all that.

A lot of life is personal experience. Temp jobs are no joke. Working monotonous jobs for years is doable, but it costs you. I spoke with a man who lost his wife to divorce because he worked a good job that kept him away from home all the time. Help me not lose my soul, or my good posture for that matter. The chair is awkward -at this rate I'm in danger of hunch-backing it up.

AAG and the star city

I gave my presentation at Middles States AAG. It was my first time ever presenting at a professional conference in my field. I gave a shortened version of the presentation I used to defend my thesis. I don't mind public speaking. Before I substitute taught, I'd get serious butterflies, but now I don't even get nervous until 10 minutes before, and on a nervousness scale of 1-10, only about a 3. Middle States was a 2+ hour drive, so I drove down 81 and saw the mountains again. It reminded me of the 2 years when I used to take 81 south all the way to Roanoke for MFA school. Oh Star City.  

The (locally) famous Roanoke Star.

Night view of the city from the Roanoke Star Overlook. I used to take that highway to my part-time job at VWCC.

At Middle States, it was great to be around geography people again. I didn't see any of my former classmates (they'd presented the day before), but I saw 3 of my professors and met a bunch of new people. The food was excellent. Everyone was friendly and full of advice about potential PhD programs. The consensus was that you'll be okay if you have a good relationship with your advisor. I believe it. I was really lucky that I like my master's thesis advisor so much. Then again, I like everyone until they give me a reason not to. For some people that happens quickly, but my personality requires that I try to like most people. Am I going to like the wife of my bf from undergrad? Well, no; I'm not crazy. But you get the general idea.

I wake up in the morning feeling like

Day 2 of training at the temp job with my middle sister. I'm still bad at mornings. Thanks to this temp job, when I get a full-time, I will know how to choose my insurance. Tomorrow is casual Friday. I get to wear jeans and there's free lunch! Free food = goodness. Must plan my outfit. Skinny jeans and boots, but what to wear on top?...
The office building is quite a drive (merging + construction + those concrete walls everyone hates). There's always traffic, but I think I'm already used to it. With the cold weather left behind in the wake of Sandy, it feels like holiday season already.  I've always liked the mix of cloud cover, traffic, red brake lights and white headlights; add in some green lights and it's practically festive.

Red and green is Christmas coloring.

Middle States, the annual AAG SEPA geography conference is this Saturday. I'm going to have to leave the house at like 6:30am to get there on time. I might be late. Oh, how I wish I could summon the willpower to practice my presentation. I spent a half a year on my master's thesis and already I can't remember any of the details. God forbid anyone should ask questions.

I saw a perfect red and black party dress at Kohls in the teenage section, although sadly my chest is probably too big to fit it right considering the way the dress is cut.

The print is so black roses. Princess Vera Wang. Please let me be invited to a Christmas party this year. This is the first time I haven't had a job around Christmas, so I don't even have the annual work Christmas party to count on.  Nooooo!

Sandy

I love this.

I'm east coast, not far from Philly, so experiencing Sandy. I hope the power doesn't go out. Saw this picture on tumblr while listening to OSTs from Korean dramas. See all of the lights? It's beautiful.

I ran on the treadmill for the first time in a few years. It's easier than I remembered - there's a 5K button, so I  pushed that. Speed problems resolved. I got either a cold or allergies. Been sitting with a toilet paper roll because I used all the tissues yesterday.

No waltzing, so i tell myself we're in love...

Yesterday I got a call to schedule my first temp job interview, which was today at 1pm. I freaked out. This change thing. I don't want to do it. It's the two years I spent in grad school, getting used to things being all easy and regular. I've been near family so I have a great support system. But I think it's also a crutch. I hadn't lived anywhere near home since I graduated from high school in 2003, and being back is just so steady. That isn't what life is supposed to be.

But at the same time, I'm not the type of person that just goes out there blind without some sort of goal. Yeah, I've thought that I could just drive past the exit for my house, just keep going. Just drive.

But I need some purpose. Right I just have a vague idea that I want a job in my field (geography, GIS, environmental management). My field is soooo slow at doing any hiring. In my class, I know one guy who got a full-time job right away, before we graduated even. The rest are working jobs that don't relate to our field, or internships, or still looking. Am I stubborn for not caving in and going into sales? But I hate persuading people because people arguing at me never changes my mind, so why should me trying to manipulate them change their mind? Yes, I'm that stubborn. It's a good thing everyone isn't like me. Like my cousin said, I'll just go work at Dunkin Donuts. I like donuts.

Who doesn't want just a bite of this? Not the whole thing. Just a bite. Just to see.

I keep flipping back and forth on the PhD thing. The people I've asked are divided 50/50 on whether I should go back to school. Some say it's a waste of time. Some say I'm bookish so why not (this last I find vaguely insulting, but it's true). Sadly, I can't find a program I want to apply to. And if I have to ask, then maybe I shouldn't. But what if I want to by next August and then I have to wait a year before I can go? So that's why I need to take the GREs, but while you're taking them is when you tell them where to send your scores and I don't know where. See the circular nature of this dilemma? All I have to do is figure out what I can stand doing long enough to get a PhD in it. All I have to do...

I thought my car was dying again, but it only needed power steering fluid. So it got some. The trouble is, that means power steering fluid is leaking from somewhere. Yes, my Ford is from the last millennium. And, that just made it sound even older.

For my birthday, my grandfather and one of my uncles went into Kohls and each bought me a $25 gift card. The image of these two men (who spend time welding things and often have mud on their pants) walking into a Kohls cracks me up. I haven't been there in ages, but I'll find something good. My priorities are a fall jacket and the perfect white t-shirt. I've been burned on the white t-shirt thing time and time again, because I have big boobs. The silhouette just isn't right, and if I don't wear a fitted top, I just look like a box above the waist. I used to desperately try and exercise away my boobs so I could pull off the slouchy-casual-glam look that only A/B-cups can pull off. I've since accepted that slouchy-casual-glam isn't for me unless I want to look 4 sizes bigger than I am.

Don't tell me you never wanted to look this cool.

Anyway, after suffering a sharp (yet relatively brief compared to this summer) depression b/c I can't have an academic schedule anymore, I went to the temp interview. To cheer myself up, I sang to Top40s on the radio the whole way (still can't listen to the sad songs...). Even though it was gray and cloudy today, it was good to drive fast down the highway and know my car wasn't going to break down. That car may be a cranky teenager, but we've been together 5+ years. We're comfortable. And it's not like new cars just waltz into your life like people do, so I tell myself we're in love...

looking and looking and finding

Is this childish -
There's something I like about the number 23. Is it because it's prime? I remember numbers and fiddle with number patterns in my head though, so there's probably not much to it. I once read a book where this religious character was obsessed with finding meaning from numbers in the Bible, which is easy since all the verses are numbered. This was a novel, so he dramatically took it way too far and screwed up his kids. What is it like to live constantly looking for omens in all the numbers? And then each culture has different ideas about which numbers are good. I was taught that 7 is good because it's in the Bible somewhere. But in Chinese/Korean/Japanese culture 8 is the best number, hence the Beijing Olympics start date of 8/8/08 and even my favorite Korean rapper G-Dragon getting an 8-star dragonball tattoo (and yes, he was born in '88, the year of the dragon). And then I heard that 4 is unlucky (it sounds almost like the word for death). 13 is taboo in the US. All those rock stars keep dying when they turn 27. I'm not even going to get started on colors. On dream interpretations. On names.

I once wrote a research paper on omens in the ancient Near East, so I know that this desire to find meaning in random occurrences/combinations is at least as old as human civilization. Although ancient omens were sought in the pattern of sheep guts and other entrails. Divination. Portents. All iffy stuff. Each type has rules, but is open for interpretation. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to see patterns in the tea leaves at the bottom of my cup. No luck - I must be drinking the tea wrong or something.

So what is it about humans that when we look for significance, we find it? I doubt signs, but intuition has served me well. Take Bud, I knew that wasn't going to work out, but it took my brain a while to spot the reasons why. And yesterday I was completely validated because he's still in love with his ex-girlfriend. And if past relationships have taught me anything, it's respect for someone who can't get over someone else. It literally took me years to get over my college love, but I didn't go around dating other people to try and get over it. I kept my misery to myself, thanks. I knew there was nothing another guy could do for me. Just time. I hope Bud realizes that, but for guys, trying to get over it is hooking up with other girls. So can this be the one and only time in my life I'm one of the other girls?

Practical note - I need to eat more. I went running and my breathing was fine, but my legs were weak. Nooooo.

I want the kick

So tired. 5K at 8am this morning. Tired because I've been getting 10 hours of sleep for the past week, but last night only about 6. I can't nap because I'm too lazy to take out my contacts and put them back in. Plus, there's a party at my place in an hour. Oh, but I just want to sleep.

Just let me sleep here.

Despite getting beaten by an 8 year old girl (and a 9 year old girl), I think the 5K went well. You can see the race results here. To save you the extra step of clicking, I ran a 28:21 race, which works out to a 9:08 pace. The first mile felt like nothing. I picked a person to be my pacer and stuck with her (until the last quarter mile when she still had a kick left and I had nothing). This was an out-and-back race, so I got to see the leaders coming at me after they turned around - two guys, so fast! Gray shirt and red shirt, wound up with 5:26 pace. I ran track in high school, so I've seen a lot of guys with their body type (tall, thin, medium frame). They're practically made for distance running if they have the willpower. I thought these two were in high school, but they turned out to be 23. It's good to be young.

So I made it through a 5K without stopping once (thanks, flat paved trail). Reader, I think I can still run faster. The fastest mile I ever ran was 7:06 or 7:08 back in high school, and women peak physically in their mid-30s, so I've got time. I just need to figure out a way to keep my pace in the end, because I seriously slowed down in the last quarter mile. If I hadn't, I would have been under 28 minutes.

Also, I joined Planet Fitness, thanks to a deal courtesy of the friend I ran the 5K with. I love running outside, but soon a time will come when it rains all week, or when the park trails are covered in snow and ice. Plus, I need some socialization. As long as I run outside at least once a week, I think my breathing should stay okay. While I'm still running outside, I'll drop by my new gym once a week.

*With respect to Bud, my new I'm over it attitude actually works. I'm surprised.

Hula hoop'n it

Sissy gave me a new hula hoop for my birthday! I'm happy about this because:
1)My old sparkly purple one leaks water.
2)The new one is smaller so I have to work harder.
3)Hula-hooping shrinks inches from your waist.
4)The new one is orange with sparkles in it and it lights up.

Tomorrow morning is another 5K. I think it's on pavement, which will kill my knees for the next week, so not exactly looking forward to it. I love trail running. If it wasn't for the fact that it's a friend's first 5K, I wouldn't go. Just hoping I can jog in the grass on the side or something. It's still my birthday week, so I'll just try and live it up.

So far my resolutions to only move forward in year 27 have worked. But introspection and apparently Unitarian sermons(?) still make me tear up.

I'm trying to make this brown leather lace up calf length boots work. I've had them for about 6 years. I tried a tumblr thread, but got a surprising amount of porn. I usually go for classy, so how can I make these work...

I still love you, October

The first day of my new year, and I have made resolutions. It's basically my new years. I will stay fit. I will go "out" at least once a month. I will work to release myself from my expectations.

So I realized this was true of me. I don't think it's bad to have goals, but I need to stop thinking that because I'm a certain age, I need to have certain things accomplished by now. I can't change my entire way of thinking overnight, but can try to change it over the course of this year.

I have decreed that this year, I will go to a Halloween scary night affair at an amusement park. It's supposed to happen the weekend after next. I hate watching violence in movies, but I will pay strangers to scare the crap out of me. Seems hypocritical. I think I like haunted house rides because I know that even though scary things pop out, there won't be any violence and it's all fake. Now why I can't tell myself that movie violence is fake, I don't know. I take that back. I know. Because a movie is a depiction of an alternate world, and in that alternate world, the violence is real. I have an active imagination.

So be careful what you imagine.

My shoes came from 6pm.com's 10/11/12 $13 sale. They put a lot of their clearance shoes on sale for $13. I got one pair. There were a lot of sky high platform heels, but I'd never wear them outside of the house. Maybe if I was gainfully employed. 6pm.com is a good website for shoe deals, if you check it frequently. They have these 24 hour sales that can be awesome. I got some beautiful leather boots from there for $45 a couple years ago (original price was over $200).

Reflect- before I'm another year older

Today is the last day before my birthday. I've been 20-something for a while now, and I'll still be 20-something for a few more years, but wow. When did it get to be only "a few more years?" Just to tease me, people keep assuming that I'm turning 30. In contrast to them, my sister screams at me (aka threatens me) to enjoy it. She also screams at me to be happy no matter what the situation. Can I get a reaction somewhere in the middle of these two?

What I learned in the past year: How to run on a regular basis and not get shin splints. Writing anything of substance is no easy endeavor. I don't think the true depth or shallowness of a relationship will ever cease to amaze me. I may not go to church, but I am religious. Classic pieces trump trends and quality is everything, in clothes and in people. I should never own a dog. I will always cringe (mentally, physically) at violence in movies, tv, media, etc. To save on heartache, run from any guy who keeps mementos of his last relationship out on display. Relationship angst is a great workout motivator. Seeing James Morrison live is worth doing again. While frustrated during thesis writing, I learned Hangul (the Korean alphabet), although my vocabulary is limited to common K-drama phrases. I read way more fiction than the average person. Lastly, there's nothing quite like a well-dressed man; by that I mean his clothes actually fit. I love spring, summer, and fall.

What will I learn in the next year? It could be the year I finally master walking in pumps.

Maybe I will someday not walk right out of these... (Charlotte Olympia)

Lipstick those PhDs

BB cream. Today I finally googled what that is, turns out it was invented by a German woman in the 60s and made popular in Asia by South Korean actresses in the 80s. I've probably seen it referenced in a K-drama and just missed the reference. I was blessed with pretty good skin, so I don't have any BB cream, but then I'm a "clothes > makeup" kind of girl.  Also, "shoes > makeup," and even "food > makeup." However, I took a friend to Ulta, and 45 minutes in there got me thinking. I also bought some fantastically fuchsia lipstick called something like desire or temptress. I can't resist seductive names for lipstick and nail polish.

So seductive right? Makes you want to go mwuahhh.

The temping attempt is still an attempt. Haven't got anything yet, but maybe this means I'll have most of my birthday off. It's Tuesday. And I won't have to buy that gym membership just yet. The temporary temping failure has given me motivation to apply for jobs though. I was trying to stick to East or West Coast, but I'm at the point where I'd live in the middle. At least there are woods.

Lately my mom tells me I should go for my PhD. I'm tired of school, but I got desperate enough to look at programs yesterday. They made me feel exhausted. This morning my professor sent me a link to a comic strip about being in graduate school and the comic made me feel exhausted because it was true. Right now, I can't imagine summoning up the willpower it takes to go to school for at least 4 years. Yeah, I know I did after high school, but teenagers have more energy. I've always said I'll start my PhD in my 30s. I want to be in a stable relationship first. I've put relationshipping on the back-burner almost my entire life until this past summer. I'm not ready to devote myself to school again. That's how I am in school, single-minded (and so professors like me 9 times out of 10). I really don't think there's much chance of me going into a PhD program and coming out romantically attached. But what do I know? Only that I don't want to be 30-something and not have dated anyone for the past 5 years. I'm taking care of my future self. That means I'm also contemplating taking the GREs to keep my bases covered. I should be awesome at them since I spent 2 years training kids for the SATs. Same same, right?

I really want to get a job that I'm not overqualified for so I can forget about this and start a new adventure. Pretty please?

Halloween idea?

You should be dancing

I start a month-long temp job on Monday. When I got the call, I was politely excited on the phone. Then I got off the phone and was immediately slammed by a wall of depression. How am I supposed to stay in shape when I work 8-5? I can't run in the woods in the dark. I'm going to have to get a month-long gym membership and do the treadmill after work. I can't see another way around it. Apparently your 20s are supposed to be like this. It's not true that youth is wasted on the young; so much of youth is struggling, just like life when you're old. 

I picked up the bound copy of my thesis from the university library. Strangers keep telling me congratulations, you should be dancing, and I smile at them, but I haven't felt like dancing since about the end of June. My thesis looks just like the other theses. I shoved it onto a bookshelf. 

It was break at school on Monday, so I picked up a friend and we went shopping for makeup and bargain clothes. As we ate lunch/dinner (linner?/dunch?), she asked what I was up to and I admitted I've been depressed. She admitted that so was she. She's still in school, but afraid of not being able to get a job, etc. I think when you're sad you feel alone, and I'd forgotten that some of my friends aren't doing much better than me these days. We just don't talk about it. Hey, we live in a society where the language is "admit" you've been depressed. Note the implied shame.

I parked 3 or 4 blocks away from work and ran into abortion protesters by the Planned Parenthood. The protesters are usually there Tuesday mornings, so I'm used to them. I know they're Catholics because they pray with rosaries. I smiled and nodded at an old man who was blocking the crosswalk, and he asked me if I was going to school. High school? Were his eyes really that bad? I look younger than my age without trying. Please let it be that way my whole life.

Baby seal leather boots

I saw a crappy movie today. It involved animated traditional supernatural beings normally associated with Halloween who gather in an establishment that could be described as something like a motel, in order to party; however they're rudely interrupted by a non-supernatural being who also likes to party. The fabulousness of the animated movie Megamind has given me unrealistic expectations. I now think that all animated movies will be clever and unpredictable and full of clever quips and awesome soundtracks. No so, although this movie did make a jab at Twilight; but that's so easy. This movie gets negative points for reading just like the traditional 90 minute movie split into 3 acts of  about 30 minutes each. Yeah, I took a screenplay writing class in college. And what.

I love the title character. I've seen this movie more than 10 times, and I will watch it again.

I was holding out hope that the forecast would change, but tomorrow's 5K is really off. What am I supposed to do with my Sunday now? I may wake up super early and run before the rain starts, just to make myself feel better. The park gates open at 8am. Or I could go to the high school, jump the track fence, and run exactly a 5K, what is that 5000/400=12.5 laps. I've got options.

I can never get a dog. I dog-sat today. Must I pet you once every 5 minutes? Must you follow me with your eyes when I stand up to get a drink of water? Must you put your head on my leg and drool onto my pants when I eat a saltine cracker? Must you bark at the sound of a car horn on TV? Must you - when I fail to pay adequate attention to you - overturn the trashcan, pull out a tissue, and commence to shred it? I don't need that.

Metagenic

I interviewed with the temp agency today. Fingers crossed.

Ran again. I increased my pace, so running felt good and didn't feel good. I didn't eat enough before running, so I didn't tackle the giant hill at the end. I need to get my diet together. I eat healthy foods, but not enough variety and too few of them. Is there a cookbook out there for people who don't like to cook? Preferably with few ingredients... but yes to spices.

An old Star Trek Next Generation episode came on television and I heard some old guy talk about metagenic torpedoes. At first, I swore metagenic wasn't even a real word. Then I googled it:

So this is a weapon that has the power to make whoever is hit by it have asexual kids, who will have sexual(?) kids, who will have asexual kids, who will have...

The 5K is a no-go due to weather. The race isn't cancelled, but the friends aren't willing to run it in the forecasted daylong downpour. Also, I don't own running rain gear.

Running + temping + coffee = climbing up?

I was wrong about climbing out of the pit of despair. Turns out I crawled up onto a ledge. I woke up, finished Malamud's The Natural, and sometime after breakfast rolled off the ledge and about halfway down. But I went running, and this time the endorphins worked their magic, and pushed me up and out again. I tried to run at race pace today because I realized I've been running really slowly. I should buy one of those gadgets that looks like a watch, but tells you things about your workout. I ran slightly shorter than 5K distance, but with more hills. I like hills right now. Those are the words of a crazy person, but I appreciate the surmountable challenges in my life.

I put in my resume for the temp agency that Sissy uses, so I'll start working on the regular soon. If graduation and resulting joblessness has taught me anything, it's that I need to work. See, at first, I didn't really mind feeling depressed because I haven't been for a while. I figured I'd remember what it was like. I figured I could get some great writing material out of my own misery. But I've taken it too far. I'm approaching the point where I can't handle it anymore. In the car I have to drive around listening only to upbeat party songs - I can't handle the sad or even introspective tunes. In the company of good friends, a sudden attack of the blues hits and I have to remind myself that I'm happy. This is a problem.

I read that drinking a cup of coffee an hour before working out helps you lose the weight faster. I've never heard this before, so I'm skeptical. Opinion? I've been losing weight for 4 years now, so I thought I'd read all the tricks. I do like coffee though.

Nothing like the feel of one of those to-go paper cups.

After the singing cow ride

Took a blog break because an epic bout of moodiness hit. Let me paint the picture. On Saturday, I borrowed Sissy's car to go ride roller-coasters with my friend. One and a half hour drive there (or it would have been without the tourist traffic), one and a half hours back. I like road trips and the longest I've ever drive in one shot is 13 hours, so this was an easy trip.

At the amusement park, we paid an exorbitant parking fee ($12), then trolled around for a parking spot. I started fake crying from frustration and my friend very sensibly pointed out that we could park in one of those not-quite-a-spot parking spots, since Sissy's car is tiny. Problem solved. We hopped on the tram, and took in the sights.

New problem - everybody and their mama was there. Total, we rode 5 roller-coasters; we even bought the key chain for our pic in the last one b/c it was that good. Then we did the chocolate world singing cow ride, bought souvenirs, and left. Not 1 mile from the park, I got a Dunkin' Donuts coffee because I was in that tricky mental state when I'm deliriously tired and not quite awake, but jittery with excitement, and able to hold silly conversations and coherently sing along to the radio. We blasted said radio on the way back. I filled up the borrowed car as thanks, dropped off my friend, went home, and sat down to watch a Mean Girls rerun.

Sunday morning, I woke up at 6:51am. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I read Llewellyn's How Green Was My Valley until I got bored, then ate breakfast and went for a run. On the way home, I heard a Pink song (she's from Philly and has a concert coming up, so all I hear are Pink songs these days). Started crying, just like 4 tears, the pretty kind. Went inside to unlace my running shoes (the new ones - they felt fine, thankfully), and started crying for real. Not the pretty kind. I think it's best to let it out, so I did, but the gasping, can't really breathe, hunched over in a protective position crying is traumatizing. If I can help it, I will never see Bud again.

I still wasn't right on Monday. Stayed in bed until past noon finishing How Green Was My Valley. I think the book is a bit wise, but I won't see the movie. I tried to name a character Ivor once - had no clue that was Welsh. And in middle school I named a character Cadwallader. Le cringe.

I was okay today since I had to go into my old job for a few hours. I told the security guard that the street smelled like bacon. Fabulous fabulous bacon. He didn't believe me, but on my way out told me it was true, and the smell was fabulous. So I think I've climbed out of the pit of despair once again. It poured all day, so I didn't run, but I'll run tomorrow. I just hope I feel good after and not crappy like the last two times.

If it doesn't rain on Sunday, I'm running another trail 5K with two of my friends from high school. I can get excited about this.

I sympathize.

I liked that illusion

A bug flew up my nose and then I got soaked by a downpour. I went running for the first time since the 5K. I also tried out my new shoes. They don't feel as good as my old shoes. What was I thinking when I tried them on? I'll break them in a little more, see what happens. They've got that new look right now, like I never exercise. It annoys me.

Got news of another no-go on the job interview front. I don't mind, but I feel useless.

I bought some glucosamine chondritin vitamins, which are supposed to help with knees. My body doesn't like it, and told me by necessitating miserable trips to the bathroom. When it was finally out of my system, I had a miserable run. Dehydration? Usually I feel positive after a run, but not that run. No more glucosamine chondritin for me.

Seems relevant. Note the mustache.

I'm somehow still depressed. I felt happy for a little when I did a couple hours of paid training on Tuesday, followed by a stop at the mall on my way back for some interview clothes. But that's it. I need more outside interaction. I have too many hours to be alone dwelling. It's bad when you spend a day waiting for it to be over. If I lived somewhere remotely urban, I'd go walking. If I go walking here, I still won't see any people. I free-write, convinced that later I'll be able to use all this sadness, this dissatisfaction to imagine characters at a depth which I hadn't before. Because of my tendency to read people primarily by their emotions and not their physical actions (unless they're really hot or really not), I have a hard time imagining what my characters look like. I'm a good observer of interactions between other people. But between myself and another person - I never know.

Outside, gray and clouds with changing falling leaves. I used to like days like this when I was busy. There was nothing so comforting as white car lights, as red or green or yellow traffic lights shining through a day where the overcast light looked the same at 10am and 1pm and 4pm. I liked the illusion of time standing still. Warm jackets and tea and coffee and friends and talk, going places, the dollar cappuccinos at Target. I love running, but it's solitary. I see such beauty in the woods. I see more groundhogs and squirrels and deer than people. I think I need people more than I thought. Or I've always had a touch of seasonal depression. It must be kicking in. Spring and summer are my favorite seasons, that's self-preservation.