waiting for time

Maybe it's catching up to me - feeling sad about JW I mean. Still not crying, but still not happy. Was looking at a map and I pulled it south until I got to the town where he used to live. Get it together, girl! Lack of appetite is still here. Isn't there a taste I enjoy? But food has never made me happy in the way that it does for some people. Probably a blessing. My emotional turmoil coping strategy is not to think about it (very healthy I know) by involving myself in another world, so I've always read and read and read. Waiting for time to make the sting go away.

Today I started Angry Mom, starring Kim Hee-sun. I've meant to watch it for a while, just didn't get around to it until today.  Other things I did: washed/changed the sheets, made another smoothie with that fantastic blender, and bought a smartip card so that I never have to stand in line for a ticket again. That was ridiculous yesterday. And since it's looking like I'll live around here at least another year, so I might as well cave and buy one. Even though I go to DC rarely, it saves money.

Reading How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents (1991) by Julia Alvarez, which I picked up in the thrift store a couple weeks ago. It's better than I thought. I don't know what I thought it was going to be - all about feelings I guess. I don't like the cover of this particular edition, so I only picked up the book because I'd heard of it. The publishing company is how I pick thrift store books. Is that good or bad? Anyway, google it.

The manicure hasn't really chipped much yet, so I'm going to try not to mess with it. Let's see how long it lasts. I'm not really seeing why I should pay for a manicure yet, when I could have done this myself. The hand massage part was kind of nice though. And the hot wax part was unexpected. The smell though - my lungs must have been dying, the chemical fumes popping off my brain cells like a 1920s LAPD hit squad. Okay, the Changeling movie stayed with me longer than I thought.

Watch this and you'll laugh:

celebrity stalker

I spent today in DC with my cousin. Milestones:
Got my first manicure in Chinatown. An orangey/tan pastel color.
Celebrity spotting at an Earth Day concert - Usher, Don Chedle, Gwen Stefani, Frieda Pinto, Ban Ki Moon. Others I don't remember. I even saw a woman high up in CJ Entertainment, which I only know from watching South Korean movies.
Wore a size 8 dress all day with no trouble. I need to eat a lot of veggies if I want to stay this size - lunch and dinner had barely any.

Gwen Stefani was flawless and she rocked the ponytail

In breakup news, I knew the moment that JW told me he was moving to TX that it meant we were over. The ending process took a while to finish, but it did on Wednesday. JW started to do the cop-out move of pulling away, using moving as an excuse. I hate that the most! ... The most! ... Judge if you will, but I knew what the situation was and I started crying. I knew I could never actually say it over the phone, so this next story takes place over text. I'm not proud, but it's better than going ghost: I asked him point-blank if he thought long-distance was an option. It wasn't. I was sad/relieved. He said "we can still talk," but I need to fully get over him, so I need to not talk to him for a few months. I told him so and he said something brief that made it sound like he didn't care and so I felt insulted.

And it was over. I would have cried for the rest of the night, so I distracted myself with my free HBO and watched Changeling(2008). I may have teared up the next day, but I didn't cry again. And now days later, I'm still bummed. When I'm alone, I'm sad, but when I'm with another person or at work I'm fine. I wish that it worked out with JW, but I saw it coming for so long that I already did the majority of the mourning. I've been mourning for a month and trying to be cheerful about it when I saw him.

After my time comes, I'll start looking for someone else. Hoping that 3rd internet match is the charm. When I think about looking, half the time I'm excited and the other half I feel tired. So tired that I don't want to try, but I'll never get what I want if I don't try.

in my case, the "expense" is trauma from dating angst

On the metro train going back to Greenbelt, I saw a tired couple who'd spent the day in the sun. The woman was trying to sleep with her head against the window, but the man was holding her hand and snuggling against her arm. They were so cute.

The Kdramas that I'm watching make a short list: still Grapevine (which is losing a bit of steam) and then a new one called Girl Who Sees Smells, which is hilarious, even if it stars the guy from DBSK who I used to call "Weird Hair Guy." You guessed it - Micky. I've watched him in a couple other dramas (SKKS and Rooftop Prince) and always liked him, but he's not an actor I love.

The weather is warmish outside, so I think I can really believe that winter is over. Hooray!

dismay

Well I lowered my cable/internet bill. Probably not as low as I could have, but I was starting to dread life with absolutely no TV. Instead, I'll just have life with more limited TV.  I broke down and called them. Why can't I have just the internet and nothing else? It won't even let you do that on the website. Under-boob sweat by the end of the call from the stress, although the woman on the phone was perfectly pleasant enough. Anyway $25 a month saved for the first year. $15 for the second, for a total savings of $480 if I did the math right. Not much, but every bit helps since my biggest bills are rent and student loans.  The next time around, maybe I'll be able to get rid of the TV altogether. I'm tempted to get Netflix or DramaFever, but then what's the point of saving the money if I don't spend it on loans? The financial magazines say now it the time to live more frugally. Maybe I should put the money into my 401(k) instead? You know what I should do - I should call Verizon back and get just the internet. That's what I should do. Wait... they're closed now. Okay, tomorrow then!

Other than that, the weeks are passing by. On April Fool's Day, I went to the regular dentist for a check-up and they gave me a special toothbrush that gets into the holes where my wisdom teeth used to be. I think it will help the bottom heal. The top is fine. They showed me using a couple mirrors - it really is just 2 holes leading directly to my brain. My dad was so funny when I first came back here after getting my teeth out - he basically warned me not to kiss anyone because their germs would go directly to my brain and I'd get brain fever.

Dismay - courtesy of the Kdrama Endless Love

I totally see breaking up in my future. With the cop I've been dating I mean. The second he goes away it's radio silence. It's not going to work. I just wish it was. So basically, I know I'm going to wind up crying over continuing to see him for another week before he leaves, but I'm going to do it anyway and trust that I'll get over it. With the dating luck I've head, I can't help believing that whatever guy I meet is going to leave me anyway, so at least this one is up front about it. I would never tell a friend that every man will leave her in the end no matter what she does... Well they do say we're cruelest to ourselves. So I don't tell myself this, but I believe it (except for my father. My grandfather said no man would love me as much as my father does in my whole life, and I believe it). The only reason why I didn't cut ties with the cop is that he didn't leave when I tried to push him away when I first found out he was moving. Of course, him not leaving was probably more due to a combination of sheer stubbornness/lust, but I like to think it was because of something in me. There I go, trying to flatter myself and not really believing it. God, I see I'm not going to believe it - maybe if he told me that? Which I'm afraid to want to happen, because when you want something real bad, that's when you don't get it.

Anyway, Usher's song is appropriate. "Why you just leeeave me?" My middle sister used to sing this to me when I walked out of the room.

Plagued by allergies since around 5pm on Tuesday (watery eyes, itchy throat, runny nose, fatigue... no, I'm not crying my eyes are leaking). Bought 3 different kinds of cough drops for my sore throat this morning. One was so nasty I had to spit it out; it was the worst. One was like candy. One was okay. Also bought a store brand of Allegra that didn't seem to do much. On the other hand, I don't want to know what I'd be like if I hadn't taken it. I want this combination of medicines to allow me to sleep through the night tonight.