time does dull emotions

The last day of November. I got to spend the Thanksgiving weekend with my mom's side of the family. My immediate family usually goes to my dad's side in Pittsburgh, but this year my maternal grandparents are too sick to be left alone. My grandmother is still the same from her stroke. It was very hard to see her at first, but now I think the family has gotten used to how she is, which helps us cope. I also feel like I'm being desensitized, which disturbs me, but that's what time does - dulls emotions.

I got to spend time with family and my sisters and 2 cousins even went Black Friday shopping in kop. I must be growing up because I actually started to buy only Christmas presents. That may have degenerated into 3 tops and a pair of pajama pants for me, but I started off well. Three nights of sleeping on my parents sofa and my knee hurts. Yeah, I think my running days are over.

My sister and I also got new phones since it was time for both our upgrades. They came with free tablets. Is there such a thing as too much technology?  Probably. I don't actually watch tv in bed. If I want to read a book in bed, well I read a book, and if I wanted to read a screen, it would be the kindle. Saw Maleficent last night. It was a nice twist on the traditional Sleeping Beauty story. I also watched the first season of The Bletchley Circle, which sounds like a horrible disease, but is actually a suspenseful girl power show.

So this is the last day of November and have I learned anything? That I want to avoid S. Not SH (we're cool, although I am not like his other friends). I think he was fishing to meet up, but he didn't ask, so I just went and did my thing. It's probably for the best. Other things: I don't like the cold. The fastest lane in slow traffic on 95 really is the right lane.

My new fashion mission is elegant lounge wear. That's the last gap in my wardrobe (okay, besides a cream blazer, work pants, and bikini top that actually fits). I wear as much make-up as I ever will, so no purchases needed until something runs out.

Goodnight, November. The Christmas music can now commence.

in the arp groove. i miss my bed.

So far I've been able to keep up with posting to the arp blog every other day, but I don't know how much longer this is going to last. I'm staying in the groove by always thinking up the idea for my next post before I stop. Then after I log back in tomorrow or the next day and finish it, I'll be in the writing groove and able to find another blog idea. Right now, a lot of my blogs are inspired by other blog posts. Not feeling my most creative. We definitely need another content provider. I don't know how much longer the two of us can hold out before falling into another slump. They keep saying it'll snow the day before Thanksgiving, but I don't quite believe it. However, I am lazy so I'm not travelling until the actual holiday. So tired all the time. And then I might have to drive for 5 hours after I get there? Ugggggh. I miss my bed already.

Both my mom's parents are in the hospital. It's not easy being 80-something. They're supposed to get out soon though. We'll see. At least over break maybe my dad can get my car trunk to unlock.

The tornado painting doesn't quite terrify me now. It's something about the shape of the tornado about 2/3rds of the way up that starts to scare me if I keep looking at it.

Again, I love my bed. Going to sleep now.

muhahahahahaha ...aha!

My new goal is feel stylish while lounging at home. For too long I have lounged in the sweatpants from kmart that I bought 6 years ago (I bought 4 pairs in different colors). Ew, has it really been that long? Anyway, I will take a note from the kdrama heroine who lounge around in oversized sweaters and comfy skirts and fleece-lined tights. It's what I tried today, and I love it. Maybe a thrift store clothing run is going to happen, because this does wonders for my self-esteem. Also, I look really good in mint green. Why do I not own more shirts/sweaters in this color?

Day 3 of me having sand storm colored nails and the chipping is constant, but at least the color is close enough to my actual nail color that you don't really notice. I've always admired this color when I saw it on a girl in a kdrama or a model. And now it is mine. Muhahahahahaha! ... ha ha!

after that disappointing coffee event which was vaguely disappointing for reasons I don't even quite know

New goal is to try to be better to the ARP blog and write more for it. I'm trying to find interesting articles or at least a topic for when I have the energy to write. Every so often I just do a google news search on books, but I really have to wait a week for there to be new articles. I think what I need is a few blogs that I go to for inspiration. We'll see.

Went to the second contractor event today and I wasn't really wowed. Maybe later? I'm only doing it so that I can make some friends, but everyone is in the early polite stage. You cannot rush friendship. I mean, how long did it take me to become good friends with AC anyway? I need to send her a check for my hotel portion now that I think of it. I should write that and get it into the mail. And darn I was just at the post office today.

New person at work, so there's training involved. And I'm doing part of it. Why did that happen? It feels weird. And then she mentioned that what she really wants to do is procurement so after a year she might just go and find another job. And then I can see it happening again - having to train a new person. Gosh, that's not ideal. No ideal at all. I hope it doesn't happen actually. B won't be around to explain all the things I don't know. Goshhhh. Ah well, just trust in God and try to eavesdrop to be able to train the next person I guess. There are tutorials.

But I don't like to bring work home. I prefer to turn it off actually. Which usually isn't hard as I'm not really that interested in work-related things. Now whenever I see the logo I cringe. I bought myself a mug and I never use it because it makes me cringe and think about work. Now I see why I don't own a work t-shirt or hat or hoodie.

Help!

spices versus herbs

"I think we're close enough / can I lock in your love?"

Still on my Sam Smith kick. Gosh, why? I should be in bed right now.  I made a stew with chickpeas in it. I kind of want to eat it for lunch tomorrow instead of the lentils/rice I made on Saturday, but I've already filled the lunch containers. I only have 2. Pyrex, baby. Anyway, tomorrow it's supposed to rain, so definitely no post-work trip to get that bookshelf. Tuesday? Wednesday?

I made it to the Aldi, which was fine. I forget that they don't give you bags there. I was determined not to pay extra, so I just put the things in the passenger seat of the car (b/c my trunk won't unlock) and then brought out bags from the apartment. I have so many extra ones from the other grocery stores. I will put the reusable Old Navy bag in the car though. Maybe if I leave it in the passenger seat, I'll remember to bring it in. Also, I was driving back and a bunch of stores are opening like a 5 minute drive away from me. I could now potentially go to a Regal Cinema even! I've only lived this close to a cinema once in GA and then I had no money to spend on movies. Not that I really do now. We'll see how this new benefits and such affects my paycheck. Either way, I should be set to go to Puerto Rico, but that trip isn't for a while, so I need to forget about it for now.

I have trouble with spices in recipes, so I made some cute lists and put them on the kitchen wall. One is spice substitutions and the other is herb substitutions. They're cute because I drew little cartoon animals on them in colored pencil. I also learned that there is a difference between a spice and an herb. Just what makes that distinction, I'm not interested enough to google.

I need to come up with a catchy name for the brief newsbites that I write for a blog I'm actually paid to write for. Newsbites is taken. OMG post is taken. ONTD is a livejournal (very entertaining one). What happened to my creativity?

I debate self-body-shaming and Joo-won's increasing appeal

So I actually cooked today and am enjoying all this warm food. I made the best hard boiled eggs I've ever made. I love biting into them when they're warm. I had two. Yuuuum.  And then I made lentils in chicken broth and rice to go with it. And now I'm having seconds. Now this isn't unhealthy food, but I feel really greedy having seconds because I'm so full. I'm mostly full because I also drank 2 cups of tea and a glass of water. So as I was spooning the lentils into my bowl, I laughed and said, "This is why you're fat." Is it healthy to say that, or do I have body image issues? Of course I have body image issues. For the record, I'm not fat, but I used to be overweight. About 25 pounds over weight. Anyway, I lost the weight and it's been kept off for over 2 years. Honestly, the only way it's coming back is if I get pregnant, because I changed the way I eat. That means I'm not on a diet, I just made new habits. Also it took me 5 years to gain 25 pounds, so one meal isn't going to do much. It then took me 3 to lose it. Fair. Anyway, I'm super conscious about what I put into my body and I don't have to track my food anymore, like I did religiously for the first year. So, I'm not fat. Why did I say that to myself, then? People who I haven't seen in a while comment that I've lost weight even since I started my desk job.

Watching Cantabile Tomorrow, 10th episode. This is my third Joo-won drama. And now for some reason I love him? When did that happen? Granted, he was hard to love in Gaksitaaaaaal. All my Gaksital love went to Park Ki-woong. But I did love him and Uee as a couple in Ojakgyo Brothers. There it was more about Uee though.

I am of course the blonde in this scenario.

When did Joo-won get so cute?

it's all so magical

I used to like alcohol a lot more. I mean I used to like the taste. Now it just makes me sleepy. I see no reason to waste my time with beer, so I normally head straight for the vodka. But it's just making me tired and vaguely dissatisfied with life in general. Guess I'm done with all this.

Did some more dreaming up of my story world. I think this is going to take longer than I thought. At this rate my writing process is dreaming up the whole world via freewrite before I ever write a sentence of the actual story. And I think I'll write the end first, because it's what I'm feeling the most powerfully. I only have the youngest son's name. Everyone else is only defined by their relationship to him. I've always hated naming. It's so final. I did decide to give them astrological signs as well as relationships. So far I have a 3 kid/2 parent family, a babysitter, and the girl who meets the oldest son on page one. But I guess that oldest son needs a friend, and so does the sister. And I need to know what the deal with the babysitter and her husband is first too. Basically she was the babysitter years ago, not anymore. In order for her to have babysit both the youngest son and the girl who meets the oldest son, I'm going to have to do the ages carefully. I think before I'd put him at 8 and the girl at 12, but then I put a 10 year age difference between the two brothers, so that might not work for him and the girl. Although I guess she should be younger than the sister to establish the power dynamic. Magical realism takes more attention to detail in that you must carefully explain the rules of the world so that you don't betray your readers. This is a mistake that dramas make all the time.

blah mess blah

Lots of paperwork this week. Benefits switching. Blah mess blah.

I'm going to not bring a book to work to see if it will force me to keep imagining the world of this story I'm thinking up.

i think i watch too much tv

I am scarred. Mentally. I cleaned the bathtub and then decided to clean around the faucet. But I couldn't get to the area where the faucet meets countertop so I decided to pour hydrogen peroxide there and then clean with a q-tip. It started fizzing and bubbling. And then whatever that is came right off in such a gross disgusting way that it almost triggered the gag reflex. If I see a spider, I'm going to gag. I might throw up. Save me. I should just go to sleep before I see something I don't want to see and I puke all over the carpet. How am I going to get that out?

I can never regard that bathroom as clean again. How can I get the mold out? The trouble is that the stuff you put to seal the gap between tile and tub is peeling off. It needs to be redone. What is that stuff called? I used to know back that one day when I helped redo that house for a whole Saturday in April, but now I don't know. And I remember that it's no use putting that stuff down unless the area is clean, so I'd have to scrape away the bad stuff first and then put the new sealant on. Anuksunamon, sebowei (I had no clue how to spell that).

Bought the tickets for the PR trip in December with AC. Oh yeah! It's going to be a fun 4 days of joy. You can't know when though because it's a well known fact that someone will come and rob my house if I post the days I'll be gone. If they do come, they'll be real disappointed because the tv is super small. It's like 15 inches. The blu-ray player is new though. It's probably worth the most besides my laptop. And I don't think my laptop is worth all that much because I've had it since 2008. Oh yeah, 6 years now, baby! I just Googled my laptop - Dell inspiron 1525 - and the most expensive one was $230 on eBay. Psst - you're ripping yourself off if you buy it for that much. Back in 2008 I paid $500 for it, it runs Vista, one of its screws is forever lost, and it has a crack on the left. But it still works! It's never given me any hardware problems either, unlike my first laptop, which had to get a video card replaced before I'd had it a year.

Watched 5 episodes of Cantabile Tomorrow, so I clearly have a problem. I only stopped because there aren't any more yet. It's Joo Won's new drama. This is only my third Joo Won drama. The last time I saw him was a few years ago when he was the star of Gaksital. Before that was Ojakgyo Brothers, which I quit watching at ep45 because that was right before the makjang set in. Anyway, I like Cantabile Tomorrow, mostly for the music. I saw the Japanese drama years ago, called Nodame Cantabile. All I remember from that is Chiaki Senpai, haha. That's a testimony to the drama because I usually never remember the character's names, only the actor names. Same with all cinema.

Other shows I am watching -
Three Musketeers, a Kdrama with Lee Jin-wook, who I know from Nine is a stunningly good kisser, which I wish I could experience, but I'm not really into this show yet. And Jung Yong-hwa is lucky he's such a good musician because I never enjoy seeing his boring face in a drama - he has about 2 expressions.
Grace Point, a FOX miniseries that stars one of the guys who played Doctor Who, the weird looking one with the crazy eyes who I can never find attractive. I'm halfway through and I have a character I hate with a vengeance. She must go down. The dad is dumb and easy to manipulate. I like the mystery.
The Mindy Project, because Mindy Kahling is awesome. Can I read her memoir again?
Brooklyn Nine-nine, not that I particularly like Andy Samberg, but I like this type of humor.
Modern Family, I also like this type of humor. It's mostly sarcasm. Hola hola!
Sleepy Hollow, but only while I cook or do something else that means I don't have to actually watch the tv or fully pay attention. I wanted this show to be so much better than it is. And I will never like the evil witch wife. Or that they wasted John Cho.
The Big Bang Theory, because a long time ago my mom got me addicted, and I like being able to talk about a show with her because I love her.
Haven, because Audrey from season 1 was so badass that I respected her, and I will keep on respecting her until this show dies.
We Got Married (Song Jae-rim/Kim So-eun), because Song Jae-rim is a hilarious cute flirt with no shame. I first saw him as the pen killer in the Lee Jun-ki drama Two Weeks. He didn't impress me at all because his character spent all his time looking steely and killing people in efficient ways with the pen his father gave him. But then he was funny in Surplus Princess and he has a lot of hilarious fan girls, so it got me interested enough to look up the half hour episodes and they are the most hilarious reality tv I have ever seen. I think there's going to be something like 40 episodes and I am in this one for the long haul. I smile and laugh every time.

relive a memory; story brainstorm 2

Story brainstorm one is when I wrote the dream into a notebook the moment I woke up feeling blessed by it. I'm going to turn this dream into a story. Light and memory and sadness. It's beautiful in my head. I know the ending. I know the reason the parents travel away from their oldest children, that they're closer to the youngest, but I don't know why they were driven to leave and search for the youngest in places he's never been. The oldest son, he's the one left behind to take care of the grey building by the ocean. Is it always about to storm there? He seems like he's always the root of it, like Calypso, controlling his small slip of ocean. And the girl, I don't know what made her come to stay. Nothing to do with the oldest son, something to down with her own problems, although she wraps herself in his family after a while.

On a more practical note, since I'm returning to my first real love of magical realism, I need something else to be out of the ordinary or the parents coming in the end will be out of left field, like a deus ex machina, and I definitely can't have that. I mean, the parents are there in phone calls and skype calls and emails because they do love their other children very much. But they (parents and siblings) all loved the youngest so they understand the need to search. So the parents are present, so it won't feel like them coming in the end is weird because they'll have been there all the time, if not physically. And then they have this gift, this trick. This community trick.

And what does the sitter have to do with it?  Hmm. Maybe she's the rest of the magical realism? Maybe she's found the opposite of what the parents go looking for, so there's an absence in their lives where she used to be, which they can feel, but can't know? And this sitter, she knows the girl. She's in the girl's life, didn't consider that important enough to be wiped, or loved the girl and couldn't bear to be forgotten somewhere in the girl's neural network. Love, the motivation for all the characters when it comes down to it, love skewed by money and by loneliness and by all the other things that can skew it, which are:
fear
desire
opinion of others
self-image
body-image
goals for self
family ties
past experience (both good and bad)
relationships with others
time
work
obligations
alcohol
other drugs
age
perception of the person/thing loved
obsession
any of the 7 deadly sins

comfort

I bought a comforter. Those things are more expensive than I thought. I walked into the store and a down comforter costs $400. Yeah, I went with the faux-down on clearance. The pattern was my second choice, but who cares. I saved $214 on that thing! Next in my step to make my apartment warm near the windows: curtains. Another day.

My friend's 30th birthday Puerto Rico trip is in motion. It's going to cost more than I'd hoped, but whatevs. Like I told my friend, I really don't buy that many things, so I can afford it.

Dinner was a turkey patty, broccoli, and cauliflower. Tiny bit of that soju I bought weeks ago. The novelty wore off. I think soju is an acquired taste that one bottle didn't make me acquire. Same as with coffee - in undergrad I kept ordering a white chocolate hot chocolate and the baristas kept giving me a white chocolate mocha and one day instead of telling them their mistake, I just drank it. And thus I was converted to coffee. Now that I'm in my advanced 20s, my body has decided to reject concentrated amounts of caffeine. The coffee phase didn't last long.

Yesterday, I finally walked my giant bag of plastic recyclables up the hill. My apartment looks like it has more space, but I have more recyclables (cardboard) taking up that same space, so it doesn't really look any better. Maybe if I could get rid of that crappy TV my dad shoved at me... I'm really not a fan.

Watched the last half of the NYC Marathon. Those people are fast! Still addicted to Prada Candy and to Sam Smith's In the Lonely Hour.