i'd given up, and then

I got called back for a second interview. I'd given up after hearing nothing for a week and a half, but I was wrong. Is this the start of my February roller-coaster? I need to work. I feel like I have no purpose. I live in a results-driven headspace, and looking for a job for so long has decimated my self-esteem. So low, I tell you. Every day I struggle to stay positive and calm so I don't start screaming, b/c I'm not sure anything but exhaustion could make me stop. I'm scared of every possible change, but I'm terrified of no change.

I forgot to say rabbits rabbits rabbits when I woke up. Not surprised. Morning is disorientation. I need quiet to regain consciousness. Stay away, morning people.

At the gym, there's something to that cross-fit machine. The strength workout on level 10 could have killed me today. After 15 minutes I stopped to do stretches, and I lowered the level to 7 for the last 25 minutes. I might be sore tomorrow. I went around 3, so the gym was pretty empty and I saw no notable men.

I did conclude that there's a shortage of female minority customers in their 20s. Usually I'm the only one there. All I see are white girls. Am I missing something? But I see men of all types, and the post-40 age group is pretty representative of the local community. I know there's more pressure on men to develop muscles, so maybe that's why they're at the gym. But there's pressure on women to stay slim, so how are they doing it if they're not running? Maybe it's because a lot of women only diet. Fuck that, I don't have the willpower.