this *** is bananas b a n a n a s

I'm embarrassed - I looked at facebook to see if JT who just text messaged me had deleted me. She either did (and unfriended all of our mutual friends), or quit facebook. Anyway, I looked at BG's friend list to see if JT was there and who should pop up on the mutual friend screen but Bud! Dun dun dun. I'm not crazy, so I'm not contacting him, but I am surprised at how that actually hurt. A dull hurt, not a sharp one. But after not experiencing any relationship hurts lately, the dull feels worse by comparison. I guess this just confirms how hard I'm trying not to care about S, who I've stopped believing in b/c he seems to be all talk and no action. Why are either of us even wasting our time by text messaging? It's probably just me. Maybe one of these impending holiday parties will give me some real prospects. Although at work there are precious few young people compared to all the married people who are 40+.

this *** is bananas b-a-n-a-n-a-s. anyone else censor themselves? thanks, radio

I finally cracked and stopped by the grocery store. Here's my random list ($49.94):
2 red bell peppers
3 bananas
3 sweet potatoes
2 pomegranates
3 cans condensed soup
1lb ground turkey
4 ground turkey patties
4 boxes Mom's Best cereal
1 quart egg nog
1 half gallon orange juice
1 dozen eggs
1lb 3oz sweet potato fries
1 loaf oatmeal bread

I always feel like I got ripped off when food shopping. Also, pomegranates are pricey. If I didn't have an intense craving for them lately, I wouldn't have bought them. I came straight home and started cooking. 1 hour and 19 minutes later, I'm stuffed (with 1 banana, 1 serving sweet potato fries, 1 talk glass of water, 1 turkey patty, 1 hard boiled egg), sitting here drinking tea. Thank you internet, for helping me master the art of boiling eggs. If I get hungry later, I need some veggies.

i made dumplings once. i NEED to do it again. okay, obviously still hungry...

to be like family

December. Back in my apt after 4 days away. It's the same. I'm probably the same. I've been hundreds of miles away by car. I came back though. When I travel, I sometimes think about staying forever in the place I visited. I think I'd be happier there in the moment when I choose between north and south. It's lying to myself of course. I hear about people who just drove away, but those people don't want the ties. I want more ties. I want to be firmly anchored. Many other people want this more than I do. Family is our social construct which binds us; even close friends are said to be "like family."

I wished on a star on the drive back, about a half hour in. Perfect clumps of clouds obscuring the just set sun. There, dead ahead the first star, probably actually a planet. I wished on it anyway, and I wished not to be lonely. No matter how much I age, I'm always in this mood when I leave my family.

Starlight, star bright, first star...

In other news, I'm debating online dating to relieve the boredom. Is this a sign that I need to find some local single friends? I'm stuck on my name. Also, I need someone to take photos of me that aren't me posing next to Batman and Robin at Six Flags...

grow a pear

There's a yearly 5mile run near my mom's hometown called Brian's Run. Thanksgiving weekend so I'll be in town. I figured I'd run - the titular Brian is my mom's cousin. Lately, running goes by really fast if I'm chatting with a friend. But none of my friends in PA run for fun! I can't find anyone to do it with me. AJ is a maybe and that's all I've got.

Aren't mid-run pictures awesome in their awkward?

Three more days of work left before Thanksgiving, and if today is any indication, cold days they'll be. I love to run, but I draw the line at 40 degrees. Anything less, and I don't care how bundled up I am - too much snot to cope with will drip from my nose. Have you ever carried a wad of wet tissues around in your pocket for 3 miles? It's not worth it. Still, I had a weak moment and bought a bunch of bread on Wednesday. At this rate I'm going to put on pounds before my beach vacation.

I want to eat one now.

I finished watching Heartless City, and my crush on Jung Kyung-ho is rekindled. Why are all the hot ones players? Somebody's got to be, I guess. Don't hate the player, all that... The characters dressed so well in HC. Can their wardrobe stylist style me? I spent an hour listening to the soundtrack on repeat.

A hot man who READS?! Help me. I can't deal.

Spent the weekend feeling bad - mentally, not physically. Actually it started on Thursday, peaked Friday, stayed with me Saturday, and there's no way I can sustain that level of depression, so it's pretty much gone today. Worrying did it.

I keep telling myself to grow a pair.

Will I rewatch City Hunter? I still remember overall what happens, but I've mostly forgotten the details. I'd only rewatch Lee Min-ho in that or in Faith. I know, there's no accounting for good taste.

pomegranate

Lately I feel like I can't take in enough air. Except when I'm running. This isn't a metaphor.
I have a craving for a pomegranate.
The weather channel website is dead to me b/c all of the advertisements are close-up pictures of spiders.
I keep food poisoning myself. I'm pretty sure my mom never food poisoned me, but now I'm wondering how she did that all those years.

I want a dress this color.

live more more MORE

Does anyone else find dating embarrassing? I watch ridiculously saccharine K/TW dramas, and I'm fine with all the lovey dovey - when it's in the screen. Yes, I'm flattered when someone says it to me, but then when I have to say something back, I get embarrassed. I almost trigger the gag reflex, even though I mean what I'm typing. Yes, I'm not at the point where I can say it in person. I'm just so bad at flirting. It takes me forever to come up with the cute phrases that come naturally to others. Too sweet.

If you could: penthouse apt in the city, a suburban monstrosity with 2 acres, or a sprawling rural farm where you don't actually have to do any farming? I'd pick the rural farm, provided it's an hour away from a big city, 15 minutes from the suburbs, so I won't travel far for groceries/work/clothes.

Yesterday I met MW at an outlet mall about 20 minutes from my apt. I hadn't been there since 2007. I found skirts from Loft for $4.77. I accept the fact that I will wear skirts all winter, and now I'll move on to creating a delicious collection of sweaters to go with the skirts.

Got sucked into text messaging today. Mostly on purpose to remind myself that there are a bunch of people I have relationships with (not just replying to S's texts). It felt like the old AIM days, except everyone's slow at texting with touch screens. I want to buy some chapstick, but I don't want to quite enough to get dressed and leave the house. I need to live more outside of work, that's for sure.