farewell June - hope in general

I didn't poison myself with the poached chicken. Yay!

i want some walnut ice cream... or earl gray

What lessons did I learn in June? Don't mess with people who still live with their exes. Yes, I already knew that, but for some reason I felt compelled to teach myself that lesson again. It wasn't that bad, just a gentle reminder really. I also learned that having to listen to someone else snore all night is horrible. How do people do it? I see why all those commercials to stop the other person from snoring keep running. Does any of it work? I learned that some difficult hikes really are difficult, even if you're 20-something. I learned that girls are always bitchy, but you love them anyway. I learned that dieting is more effective for losing weight and exercise is more effective for keeping the weight off. I learned that the Hinge app exists and I am too afraid to try it. Also, what poaching is (in cooking).

What do I hope for July? Safe travels for my family and myself. Safe travels for my friends. Good health for all. I hope not to be alone as much, so I can gain more life experiences. I hope to sketch out a premise for a novel project that sticks. I hope in general.

the friend post

The last day of June and I'm trying something new - poached chicken. The liquid is simmering right now, so we'll see if I can actually pull this one off. I tend to overcook b/c I've food-poisoned myself one too many times.

I was able to make it through the rest of June without spending more money! Of course, since tomorrow is July 1 my first stop when I leave is going to be the gas station. New month, new budget.  I have my grocery list and even 2 coupons.

On paper, SC is winning me over. He writes me an email once a week and asks how I'm doing. By 'winning me over,' I mean that I feel like I can almost count him as a friend.. Oh, not my diehard girlfriends or my sisters, but a tentative friend. New friends are so rare, and especially new male friends. Maybe because my female friendships are very strong. I don't do casual friends very well - I tend to forget about them. So I only have these strong fiercely loyal friendships. At least I feel loyalty towards them. I don't have the same friends either. AC is the reality check, back to Earth friend. MW is sweet light fashion. EG is the one who seems to need the most from me and yet not need anything at all. AK is the boy authority sunny. BG is the we're puzzled and confused about everything together. And MM is love compliments always on the plane. As far as male friendships go, I only have CI, who is a few and far between casual friend. Lately CS from high is reaching out, but I've been bad at reaching back she's a needs validation friend and gogogo, confident in her own way.

I heard the buzzer - the poached chicken is supposedly done.

dare I hope?

books and dramas, drama in books

Been in a drama slump lately, and now that summer's here I have no US shows to watch, so it's only K and TW dramas to keep me entertained by television. Only I haven't been addicted to anything since Gap Dong ended last weekend. Usually I watch more than one drama at once, but Gap Dong was it for like 4 weeks. But! I think I'm going to love the new dramas:
High School King of Savvy with Seo In-guk
Joseon Gunman with Lee Jun-ki

And I'm going to go back and watch a couple of completed dramas:
Return of Iljimae with Jung Il-woo
Tree with Deep Roots only b/c of the child part with Song Joong-ki

I think after my Verizon contract expires I'm not going to renew it. I'll just get a netflix account and go to the thrift store all the time and buy 50 cent paperbacks. I just finished:
A Gate at the Stairs by Lorrie Moore
The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein

And I just started Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates. This book is very readable and feels like Mad Men. I never want to see the movie.

Hot RF at work reads! He apparently read the Garth Stein book before, which he mentioned because he saw it on my desk. I find him so ridiculously attractive, but I can't tell if he's gay or straight. He's too well groomed is I guess what I'm looking for. He could swing either way. The Garth Stein book is significant because no other book has ever made me cry on page 6 before, but it's far too simply written to ever go on my favorites list. I like what I like in novels these days, and that novel went overboard in being inspirational - almost like a self-help book towards the end. I can forgive it because the dog reminded me of Bobbi right away, hence the crying because the first and last chapter dealt with the dog's death and the dog passed away almost exactly how Bobbi did. I have a lot of guilt about that - I knew she was sick but I didn't believe she would die, so I went to sleep on faith that she'd be there when I woke up. But then she wasn't, and I learned to just stay with someone if I love them for as long as I can, or I'll regret it.

Been thinking about why I run, and it's not to challenge myself. It's only because I like to run. I like to do a couple miles and smell the woods. I'm realizing that most people aren't like this - they need a race, to test their willpower, to strive for some kind of running goal. I don't. People can't believe that I just want to be outside in the woods. That's all. The way the trees smell. I need that. If I'm too busy struggling to run an 8 minute mile, how am I going to get what I need?

sheldon, but he cared

The heat wave is over and I don't know what's going on. My laptop has a huge tendency to overhead whenever it's on now. The keys feel hot. One day it's just going to melt.  MW started her new job and has moved into her new apartment. MC is forced to start over after breaking up with her fiance. AC is flying back to the states right now, or maybe she's on her layover. Unless my brother springs a girl out of nowhere, my middle sister is looking like the likeliest to be in an actual relationship. Somehow I'm talking to SC again but not really because I keep trying to force myself to be more attracted to him. It has nothing to do with him and more with the reality that I just don't feel surface attracted to that many people, so why not him.  Apparently I have to have
1)visual chemistry
2)perceived value
3)perceived challenge
4)connection
And out of all these things me towards him I'll give him a one and a half.

I watched the last half of the saddest movie - The Normal Heart(2014) made for HBO. It's about the beginning of the AIDS epidemic in the early 1980s. That's an era I admit I haven't empathized much with in the past because I was taught about AIDS in elementary school and I wasn't born when it all went down. Just the number of AIDS deaths by the time I was born was staggering to learn. Oh by the end of the movie I was reduced to tears of regret and I was also selfishly thankful that all the gay men I know now weren't born back then. Yes, today HIV/AIDS are strong but at least we know why. I don't think the movie even went into transmission by blood transfusions and needles, but I only watched the last half. It reminded me that I've watched Jim Parsons as Sheldon for way too long b/c I found him adorable in that movie. He was Sheldon but he cared about people.

What do I hope for now? That I meet people and make friends to hang out with on the weekends. Severely lacking in friends to hang out with on the weekends. Also, to be able to get up in the morning and go to work and be challenged at work enough so that I am not bored. Well, not inspired to sleep every chance I get. I do wish I was asleep right now. And that I could meet some single and as attractive to me as Lee Min-ho was in Faith.

beyonce wears cute clothes now?

Went to the eye doctor today and the subject of marriage at later and later ages came up. Half the married people I know say never get married. Never have kids. The others seem to be happy. Anyway, definitely not married here, and with my track record probably not any time soon, but I'd like to get married. When I was in my early 20s, I didn't even really want a relationship because I didn't want to have to compromise. Now, I feel like I've done the major schooling. I have a good, stable job. I'm ready to settle down I guess. Wow, who knew that switch would ever flip.

I see Beyonce so often I never look at her really anymore. She's pretty!

Anyway, should I do something ridiculous like that site where you just rate people's pictures?

God, can you send me someone good to me, who comes with mutual chemistry?

So I can only assume that RA got back together with his girlfriend, found a hookup, or is way better of an actor than I thought b/c I totally haven't talked to him since that Harper's Ferry trip. I mean, it's better that I don't, so thanks for being crappy to me I guess.

Breakups surround me, which is a change b/c I'm usually surrounded by weddings.

My youngest sister is now 21. My other sister spent the weekend with a boy. My brother tried out for the NBA development league. Right now he's on a bus headed from NYC to Modesto, CA. It's supposed to take 3 days. Won't see him again until July.

The Spurs won the championship. The soccer world up is on. I still like the Olympics better. I wish I had  a cute Korean drama to marathon. I wish I had Laurel friends. I know, I know - if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

Harpers Ferry day trip

Just a whole bunch of firsts going on around here. Today was the first time I've felt seriously sick in a while - I had to resort to ginger ale and crackers. I didn't have any saltines, only ritz, which were too flavorful at first. And I had the kind of ginger ale that's Goya brand and stings your tongue - I'm just glad it was flat. Bubbles and stinging combined is brutal.

I had to lay on the couch writhing around trying not to puke. The smell of pizza made me nauseous - such a wimp! It's because I went on an epic hike yesterday and barely ate. I was going to have dinner, but then after I showered I decided to read a book first, but I got about 3 pages in when I started to fall asleep, so I took out my contacts and decided to take a nap 6:30ish... and that was all she wrote. I woke up at 4:13am, decided I couldn't do anything, and went back to sleep until 8am. Mistake. I must never go that long without eating again because it just wasn't worth it. While I was lying on the couch I watched nearly all of the final mens' French Open, which was Nadal versus Djokovic this year. I rooted for Nadal as always and he wound up winning, so yay. He is entertaining when he wins. I appreciate drama queens.

Friday night/Saturday with RA went well I thought. I'm trying not to get too attached to him because he just wants a hook up. I have to keep it only hook up because that's the way it is. Willpower, A, willpower. I like him is the trouble, but as long as it just stays like I'll be fine. I just need to stay occupied with other things, that's all. Went hiking and that hike was serious. It was uphill for a mile and a half. I've never been on a hike like that. It was walking up stairs for so long! We didn't even do the whole part that I planned to do because I couldn't face another mile of straight up. I really need to take elevation maps more seriously. We crossed through 3 states (yay birth state of Virginia!) and I got to see the mountains again, reminded me of living in Roanoke - I used to think PA was so flat when I'd come back from living there. Nothing like the shadows passing over the mountains (as RA pointed out) and being able to tell the weather by whether or not the top of a mountain is shrouded in cloud. I realize this probably won't end well, but I like him, so I'll go with the flow.

train bridge over the Potomac River

Frustration - I keep going to Weis and not bringing the coupons!  It's been 2 or 3 times now - It's not like that store is particularly cheap.