sweetgum

The last day of May. I slept in and when I woke up there was blood everywhere. I felt like I was in a horror movie. Or an action movie, except nothing had happened except I woke up, so let's stick with horror movie. I dreamed that my car was searched at work. I dreamed a bunch of unpleasant things that I can't remember, probably because I was wet from all the blood and my body was telling me to wake up.

I found out what the tree is that's right outside - sweetgum! I used to love to identify trees. I still do, but I don't have my tree book, so I don't do it as often.

Didn't do much yet today except watch an odd movie from 1998 starring Drew Barrymore and Luke Wilson, one of those black comedies that never makes you feel happy or laugh. Just imdb-ed it and it was called Home Fries. Today is my last day of free HBO, so I had to watch something. I'll miss it, but there's no way it's worth actually buying with money.

Other things that I regularly contemplate buying: food, a blu-ray player, more books, another bookshelf, shirts, work pants, cute workout clothes, sports bras, and random thrift store quirk.

Other things I regularly put off doing: scheduling various medical appointments, picking up the vitamin D prescription from the pharmacy, going to Walmart, buying food, and (lately) running.

As far as dudes go, SC is disappointed in me and I feel guilty although there's no reason why I should since he needs to just forget about me b/c I don't think I'm capable of even developing a crush on him. RA is just an ass who is getting better at leaving me alone, which I hope he keeps doing for my greater good. And that's it! Why can't I at least have a crush like when I did with... oh wow I can't even think of his name right now, it wasn't Ryan... oh it was C! And his last name was... wow we're facebook friends and I can't even think of it. Anyway, the point is I at least had physical attraction towards him probably because I saw him for months in running clothes and liked him well enough but then when I saw him in actual work clothes it was like some switch turned. Can I get some attraction without having to convince myself that I am? It doesn't work if you force it.

I need another drama to watch! Right now, I'm into Gap Dong, but I'm all caught up on the episodes so I have to wait a week to be able to watch more. I need another drama to tide me over now that I've finished In a Good Way.

and i used to do this all the time

I've forgotten how hard it is to write a resume. Jeez, I can't even update mine to stay current. I'm supposed to be posting it to the website at work too. I don't really think a resume and a CV are the same thing though. Ah, I need to google that.  It's not so bad with LB is working on it at the same time - forces me to actually revise the file. It's been like an hour and I've finally written 3 sentences. Oh wow, I see why people go to the writing center in college - it actually forces you to write and people comfort you by telling you how awesome you are and also point out what you can change. I remember always feeling a panic that I wouldn't any suggestions, but in most cases I did by the time they finished reading. It helped if I just plotted out the main idea of each paragraph as they read so that they could organize their writing. Then they did the rest.  Oh writing center days, that really did actually help with my ability to give constructive feedback.

On the RA front, I don't even know what I'm doing. Half of me is all - just do it. The other half of me is all - but it's so much work to get ready. So I'm basically lazy.

I did some thinking about why I didn't want to, and most of it came down to me being unhappy in the end. But I never used to think like that. I used to just think about now, and even with Bud post break-up I would ask myself if I regretted it and I never did. Even when I was depressed I still didn't. So why am I thinking about being sad and regretting this time around? It's just that there's so much doom on this b/c it can never be a relationship and I always thought what I wanted is a relationship. But I couldn't stand it when SC texted me all the time, so if that's a relationship then I don't want one. I see why people say women need slutty college years, but only if you go to a big enough college where you don't have to see the same guy you slept with when you were tipsy for the next 3 and a half years. My college was not big enough.

unless it was Jung Kyung Ho

oh yeah

AC is flying off to Turkey tonight. Praying she'll have a safe flight and that she has a great experience in Malaysia (Istanbul is just the layover).

Istanbul, Turkey

shake the world

So I thought RA was gone, but now he's back... no se. I'm confused, so I decided to listen to GD.

Got to work all extra early so I got to leave at 4:15 and it was really nice. It was b/c I didn't manage to get to the 7am bootcamp. I should've known I wouldn't be capbale of that after a long weekend. In any case, it made me 15 minutes early for work, so I got to leave early. I'm being really stubborn about not using air conditioning so I was really sweaty by the time I got home. It just creeps up on me, I swear.  I need to work out.

his eyes match his shirt

So RA asked via text if he could live with me for 2 months. I got indignant and said no and he hasn't talked to me since. As B said, his loss. Wow, I was super surprised. I mean, we're barely friends - doesn't he have any other friends? I just don't get it.

I cancelled on SC this weekend about going to see a movie b/c I was busy with errands and also because I don't think it's fair to see him if it's a date kind of thing b/c I don't want to date him. So I don't want to lead him on. He didn't reply either. Can this mean they're both out of the picture? That would be best.

It was great to go home b/c I got some perspective. I was too stuck in the world of it being just me and my friends being off somewhere else, so I need contact with people who live closer which is probably why it went so far with RA. Yeah, as long as I don't give in and text him. I need to remember, he is the inappropriate one. Just remember that, E. Remember that.

Boot camp tomorrow morning. I'm already tired.

Jensen Ackles is gorgeous

lemon lavender soy

I bought a lemon lavender flavored diamond candle and I love it. It just came in the mail today - it was here when I got back. I started burning it as soon as I got home, but I doubt it'll burn down to the ring. Looks like I'll have to wait until Monday when I get back.

I think I need a vacation because BH is starting to annoy me and usually I am really zen about - she can't help how she is. I think I need to turn down my level of work caring b/c it's one of those situations where you can't do anything right.

That said Memorial Day weekend is this weekend so I have 3 days of vegging. Thing is, I can't veg - I have to drive up to PA tomorrow morning, and then drive back Monday afternoon. Then on Tuesday, I committed to a 7am fitness boot camp at work. That's actually going to be fun b/c Victor is entertaining and I like a challenge. Need to figure out if I have to shower or just clean myself up with baby wipes afterwards.

In terms of boy news, the RA one just wanted a hookup and I told him I'm incapable of that. For what it's worth, I tried to be capable, but I just get way too attached & misery follows me for too long afterwards. Ugh, I don't need to move into depression b/c a dude who I've known for 2 months leaves for 6 months. I'll just enjoy the last dredges of whatever cologne he was wearing that rubbed off on the blanket I keep on my couch. I'm just happy it ended with no angst - I can feel good about it. Here's hoping the next guy who comes along likes me and I like him.

i'll live it up while i'm waiting...

another false start. and name me a good book written by a journalist.

I thought and I thought. And then I did. And then I thought. And I just can't do it. I am thinking about this in terms of my future self. I know this is a train wreck waiting to happen, so I'm cool with it not happening. I'm a little sad only because I wish it wasn't a train wreck. But it is, so there's nothing I can do.  Go with God.

Other than that, just kind of recuperated this weekend b/c I had a serious lack of sleep. I need to go to the bank to deposit my state refund check. I hate that bank so much. The location is such crap, I don't know how a million fender-benders don't happen in its tiny tiny dangerous parking lot. Banks.

I just read a mostly crappy historical fiction novel about a bank robber who was born in 1901, and then the Leo version of The Great Gatsby was on, so I've had it with prohibition and the roaring 20s and depressions for a while. I really need to give up on books written by journalists. I never like their writing styles. They're so dry and factual. Ugh, this one annoyed me because the author tried to go back and forth through time every 2 pages and he'd put the present in italics. Bleh. Italics. Such crap. I wound up skipping the italics just so I could finish the book, and then at the end the present was suddenly not italics again but it was still really boring, so I just skimmed the main ideas. I really didn't care - not the mark of a good novel.

Okay, I also confess to feeling weird about the guy because he never even tried to kiss me. It was just awkward, and then I feel like different people want you to make a bunch of sounds, and that's just not going to happen if I'm wondering what's going all because I'm thinking too much. At least I didn't get axe-murdered. They would have blamed the victim for sure.

guy update

R is definitely on the rebound and only wants me for my hot bod. Too bad I'm not that kind of girl. I told him so, but he kept asking. I admire his persistence, but I am also persistent. I don't want him like that. If I slept with any random guy, I wouldn't be able to respect myself. It's too bad; he was tall.

Lee Minho(t) - I like him b/c when he smiles I can see how he'd look chubby.

talk to her, talk to me, talk to the hand

I got a strange look at work when I said I didn't road trip to see my mother this weekend. I was tired okay, and she knows I love her.

Found a new crack drama and it's called Gap Dong. It stars the Korean Kimura Takuya, aka Yoon Sang Hyun. At least, I used to look at him and think of KimuTaku, but now I've watched more Kdramas than Jdoramas, so YSH is taking over. First saw him play the main lead in the (bad) drama Take Care of the Young Lady, which I watched because I love Yoon Eun Hye. Sadly, that was just a bad drama, but Gap Dong is awesome. I'm only 4 episodes in, but going to watch another.

Was productive today - talked to my sissy on the phone, baked meatballs according to EG's recipe, made some boiled eggs and ate 2, and am now doing a load of laundry. Laundry is my favorite chore b/c I just sit around for most of it. Oh yeah.

I want to buy a new candle. I want to buy more ice cream. I want a lot of things.

Listening to GD's Black feat. Jennie Kim

Had the best weekend. I can't even remember what I did on Saturday, but today I woke up and spent like 2 hours working out. First a run/walk for 3 miles, then dancing and hula hoop and 3lb weight stuff. And I ate so well too - regular cereal before the run, but after that the yogurt/honey/granola/fruit thing that looks so pretty and that MW's mom gave me the idea for. After that I make a quick grocery store run and got to use my butter purse for the first time. Seriously, that is the cutest purse and it feels so nice. I am still in new purse heaven.

Also, finally got that mailbox key thing sorted out. I'm not dumb! I just needed a new key and the apt complex didn't tell me until like a week after they installed the new mailbox. But at least I didn't miss any bills, because the electric bill has a mysterious $100 credit on it, so I didn't have to pay anything. And then my April spending wasn't as horrible as I'd thought. The purse thing was by credit card, so it's going to be counted in May. I need to just not spend anything in May because my contacts are coming up in June. And then there's the doctor visit this week, so I need to remember to call mom and write down the family history. And also to bring my shot record with me. I'm not on any medication, so there shouldn't be anything else besides the insurance card.

OMG, GD's "Shake the World" song is so awesome. I love the beat.

No great hopes for the random guy I met volunteering. I think he's on the rebound. Ah well, at least he told me so now I definitely have perspective. Don't think anything's going to come of it before he ships out, but it did make me call two of my friends to despair to them and we had really good phone conversations as a result. Love BG and CS for that!

Stupid movies I watched (parts of) this weekend:
We're the Millers
Identity Thief
Jack the Giant Killer
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

And I think last week I watched the last Harry Potter movie because it's so good. It always makes me cry though.