pneumonia

Made it home for Easter only to find out that my grandfather's in the hospital with pneumonia. I've been reading Joyce Carol Oates memoir called A Widow's Story. Her husband was in his 70s, caught a cold, which turned into pneumonia, then he got a secondary infection at the hospital, and he passed away. I'm drawn to stories about grief right now. Anyway, we're going to see him in the hospital later today.

I keep thinking of December 2010, when Bobbi, our dog of almost eleven years, was sick. She couldn't get up. My mom and sissy stayed with her, but I said I'd go to sleep and when I woke up, Bobbi would be okay. She passed away in the night and I didn't get to be there for her in her last moments. I just don't want to  make the assumption that life will keep on going.

willpower

I ran with the running group today. When I say running group, I actually mean the same two people. I had the bright idea to run the fire road that goes around the campus at work. Didn't know monster hills were involved. C set the pace. Because I'm not back in shape yet, the last hill killed me. I could feel when my willpower broke. It's a horrible moment, giving up, watching someone's back. So yeah, this means I'll run on every other day until it feels good again. Also I'm convinced that I need more protein. Been feeling weak this week.

Friday night I drive home for the holiday weekend. Yes to Easter chocolate. After I pay my rent, I'll have about $100 in the bank. I get paid again Wednesday. Just have to last that long and then I'll always have about a K in the bank. I need the K for potential car repairs.

This Easter weekend eat all the chocolates.

Flipping back and forth about the PhD. Some days I want it because school tells you what it expects of you. Some days I don't want to go back to the full-time student environment. Some days I want to keep this job and put down roots. Some days I want to roam forever. Then I wonder what it takes to be satisfied.  I'm not unhappy. I'm too busy to dwell. But I am waiting for unhappiness. Maybe I haven't recovered from being down for so long; I move through life waiting for something to tear me down.

I want to see Jurassic Park in 3D!

27

27 is my favorite number. I talked with AJ on the phone. He commiserated with me about adulthood < college. So my theory on why they say college is the best time of your life? You're an adult and you only have to worry about you. Traditional college students only.

This could be me and AJ. Road trip!

Today is literally my favorite number. It's extra special because it's 3/27 and 3x3x3=27. And 3/2013 goes 3, 2+1,3 and three 3s is 27. I love numbers. I saw on TV that the first Jurassic Park is coming out in 3D. I have not yet seen a movie in 3D. I'm going to see that movie in 3D. My brother is flying in for a month on leave, and I will  take him and one of my sisters with me, and we will see that movie.

I forgot my wallet. I didn't realize until I'd already been at work for 2 and a half hours. And here I'd planned to try out the new ATM. I got in a loooong traffic jam on the parkway on the way home and my car didn't like it. When I finally got off the parkway and was stopped at a red light, idling felt more like bucking. Please car, just make it until Friday.

dinner tonight? (yeah i referenced jake and amir)

It's official - I'm out of shape. At work I ran 3 miles alone and it was miserable. When I'm in shape, the miserable part lasts the first half a mile, and then the glory of runner's high starts. But today the misery only heightened at the end of mile 2. I contemplated stopping, but instead mentally accepted the misery and just went really slow. That's what I do when something hurts and keeps hurting. I say, well, A, this hurts, but it's not going to stop, so accept it. And then I forget about it. No clue why. Every time it amazes me that that actually works. Today I ran on pavement, which means cars went by and I tried (probably in vain) to look like I wasn't struggling - a ridiculous pride, I know, but I use it as a motivator.

Now that the flurry of moving in/settling in/intense on-the-job training is over, I'm left with the fact that I once again have no friends. This happens every time I move. It's always dismaying. Yes, I have friends who live in other states, other cities, but no one I can call up and say, let's have dinner tonight-I'll cook. I'd hoped that the people in the running group would live near me, but they live in Baltimore or Towson or Annapolis. Too far. I guess that's why they're friends. And none of them appear to be my kind of people. What if I never make friends?

New missions - freewrite every day; run every other day until I love it again.

And why is everyone complaining about spring? Yesterday's snow was gorgeous, and I love stomping through snow-slush in my stylish waterproof boots.

Oh, God. I love the first LOTR so much.

banana nut everything

I sat on my couch all alone in my apartment and cried during the last 15 minutes of Up. I was eating Honey Bunches of Oats and when the main character saw the photos in the album that his wife left behind I forgot I was eating and the cereal turned to mush in the bowl while blurry tears threw the tv screen out of focus. Great movie. I also tear up at those Subaru love commercials. That is one super effective car advertising campaign. I'm at the point where I'm out driving, I see a Subaru, and I get all sentimental. Darn advertising campaigns.

Love.

Since I spent the later half of the summer and into fall crying, crying feels familiar to me now. I cry and some part of me thinks, oh. This again. This is what's happening. Are people supposed to be used to crying?

I checked out DC with A from college. Did the tourism thing. I ate Chinese food in Chinatown. It was the second time in my life at a real Chinese food restaurant. By 'real,' I mean everyone gets tea and water, no questions asked. You eat rice from pretty blue and white china bowls. There are real chopsticks. Also, we saw the Library of Congress, a Senate building, and other buildings which I've forgotten about. I discovered that Foggy Bottom is not a cool indie neighborhood in DC - it's just GWU. Le sigh. I wore cute boots; mistake. Before I walk that much again, I need to buy some cute sneakers.

Another sign that I'm emotional? I'm watching a traditional K-drama. Traditional meaning, not sageuk, not rom-com. The first 4 episodes were the child versions of the future adult main characters. There's death, betrayal, birth secrets, traumatic accidents, etc. I'm also reading a memoir by Joyce Carol Oates about the time after her husband died, which is probably why I cried extra hard while watching 15 minutes of Up.

Baked banana nut muffins to give myself a treat during work. That's also going to be breakfast. Banana nut everything is good: muffins, bread, pancakes. Oh God, I love carbs.

say yes marathon

I'm tired. For dinner, I ate ice cream, orange juice, brown rice, and pretzels. Oh God, I'm going to gain weight again.

I watched a few episodes of Say Yes to the Dress. The last featured a girl from Paoli, PA who was born in 1987. She was a cervical cancer patient, and her hair had fallen out, so she wanted a dress she could feel confident in. I teared up. She found it. She had a June 2012 wedding. I was happy. Then, at the end of the episode I saw "In Memory of ... 1987-2012." I started crying. She died in September.

"You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way."

---Elizabeth Taylor

on the first day of spring 2013

The first month's bills are rolling in. I've concluded that I am still dirt poor until I get my second paycheck. This one is going towards bills. All of it. Looming bill payment and knowing that I have to get to work early has left me feeling depressed for the first time since I started work. Not depressed, but dissatisfied. Before, I was perfectly happy to waltz around my apartment and glory in being alone. Hoping I'll be back to satisfied with life when I wake up tomorrow.

First day of spring. I didn't realize until I got home and saw Rita's comments on Facebook.

i spoke to my nana

I feel semi-accomplished today. I ran at work. Just two miles, but without stopping. This is new for me. When I run by myself, I run a mile, stop to stretch, then run another couple miles. At work, the roup runs at 4pm, so I change clothes, jog over to the meeting place, stretch, run, and then go back to work. I stay 45minutes longer to make 8 hours. I haven't figured out how to not be all sweaty. But there are showers in my building, so when the heat of summer hits, I'll be forced to hit the showers before going back to work.

I spoke to my nana on the phone, to wish her a belated birthday. I realized after dinner that I really needed to call her. You'd think I would have remembered to call yesterday since I'm living in fear of turning into her (I keep watching TWC and Jeopardy! geo-pardy and nothing else). I enjoy talking to her. She told me about the day she dropped my mom off at her first day of college in segregated Titusville, PA in the 70s and how she cried all the way home. Plus she remembers when you don't call. Is that where my youngest sissy gets her ability to hold grudges about things I don't remember doing? Actually, both of my sissies have at least one grudge against each of our siblings that they plan to hold for their whole lives. I have none. I've forgotten whatever they did to me when we were little. My mom says I was best friends with my brother when we were pre-K; I don't remember that either. So definite advantages and disadvantages to having my lack of a memory. Maybe that's why I've kept some type of journal since I was in 5th grade-ish. The whole time I was going through the Bud breakup emotions, I was also writing this blog because I knew I would eventually forget the intensity of those feelings. And I want to remember them b/c I want to be able to write characters who feel them.

I love/adore the physical act of writing. Especially with the perfect pen. It's easier to get into the story when I must consider each word as I write it, since the pen can never keep up with the brain. The keyboard is closer to syncing with the brain, but still not quite there. Plus, I mistype more often than I mis-write a word. Misspell? Not sure of my word choice. And handwriting is gorgeous. I love watching the subtle changes in the script, which fluctuates as a result of my mood, the pen, the paper, if I'm hungry, if I'm free-writing, if I'm writing a letter. Etc. How do handwriting experts do it?

I want to be here and then write about it.

traipsing up and down the coast

I saw Darcy! My parents and my sister came down yesterday and brought me a sofa, mirror, and a visit from my current favorite dog. Now she knows I'm still alive and I feel like all is good.

That said, where did the weekend go? I spent the afternoon/evening napping, talking with my cousin Y for 2 and a half hours, and then making dinner, which really means making food so I can have leftovers for lunch and dinner tomorrow and hopefully lunch the next day. Does anyone else love leftovers this much? Mmm, lentils, carrots, celery, and some leftover brown rice. I'm set for tomorrow.

I woke up feeling nostalgic about Bud today, the kind of nostalgia that comes when it's really over. You made your stand. You got me crying. As was your plan. But when my loneliness is through, I'm gonna find another you.

I've never watched the video for this song, but I still love the Continuum cd. And also feeling turned on with Bud specifically in mind? Unsettling.

It was great to talk to Y. We get along really well, and talk like sisters, despite the fact that we almost never see each other. There's a chance she might go to grad school an easy 45 minute drive away from me. I'm going to start praying. We traipse up and down the east coast, missing each other. I hope that changes.

who we miss most

Unofficial casual Friday. Can I wear my winter uniform of jeans tucked into boots with a nice sweater? Sadly, I haven't seen any jeans in my office yet. Boo. Must remember that Friday traffic on the parkway is worse than light to light. I gave up and sang to the radio.

Tomorrow my family is driving down with a sofa. I hope it's comfy.

I miss Darcy most because she's a dog and must just think I left her. But I love her...

how many licks? rated x

When I say someone is too pretty to go to the army, what I really mean is too wimpy. As in, if you can't squish a bug, I don't trust you to hold a gun. For your own good. If your head is always in the clouds (like mine), I also ask that you don't hold a gun and try to protect one person, much less an entire country. Photos of Yoo Seung-ho who's 19, just after he enlisted, have come out. They (+ all the Vietnam War fiction I keep reading) make me sad. Boys going to war is no. Still, he looks like he can handle it. However, right above him was a picture of Jang Geun-seok, and if there was ever a man who shouldn't be given a gun because he's too focused on himself to pay attention to anyone else, it's him.

Really? Someone is going to give him a gun.

If he didn't have a wonderful voice, I'd have written him off years ago. I admit he was great in the K-movie Itaewon Murder Case (2009), but his roles since then have sucked. He blew up with You're Beautiful (2009) and it threw him off, because ever since then he just sucks. I only liked him in My Pet(2010), because it's a remake of Kimi wa Petto (2003) with Matsumoto Jun and I loved loved loved that drama back when I stumbled across it in 2008. Can I marry Matsumoto Jun?

Today I ran! With other people! 3 miles at about a 9:30 pace. I was worried my ankle would act up, but it was fine. I know I'm out of shape, and I'll feel sore tomorrow, but I mentally feel great. I never mind feeling sore because I had fun. Killer wind today. But I'm in a running group! First time ever!

During my morning commute, a radio station asked people what kind of candy they are in bed. Hilarious anwers:
I'm an M&M - I melt in your mouth, not in your hand. (a man) 
I'm an almond joy, because sometimes you feel like a nut. (a man)
Everlasting gobstopper. (a man)
I'm a tootsie roll; find out how many licks it takes to get to the center. (a woman)

on the ceiling of my apartment

I don't like waking up the in dark. Maybe I was an old-timey farmer in a past life. When it's light, I wake up. When it's dark, I sleep. ... Well if I would just sleep when I'm tired, I'd save myself a headache and get 10 hours a day. It's 6:57 and if I didn't have to make lunch for tomorrow, I'd be sleeping now.

There's a disturbing stain on the ceiling of my apartment. I came home to it. Luckily, I haven't furnished that room yet. But um... water damage? I'm paying >$1000/month for water damage? No. If I ever move to the south again, I look forward to the cheaper cost of living. Yes, there were cheaper apartments, but they were cheaper for a reason.

Lesson learned - Don't buy a trashcan with a flip-top lid because it will start to smell before you've filled it. And that smell will fill the downstairs of your townhouse, and then you have to add tall kitchen trash bags to the list.

As far as work fashion clothes goes, I'm drawing blanks. I have about 10 skirts in various textures/prints and I've been wearing those with a cardigan or blazer. Weird fact, pants never fit me, but I'm too lazy to drag myself to the tailor, so for work I wear skirts and dresses. I love that ankle booties are everywhere, because flats with skirts don't work with my calves. As a teenager I used to want to be built slim so those boho-chic type clothes would look good on me, but no. I'm all muscle with boobs, so structured clothing it is.

Is that a necklace or part of the shirt? It's fabulous.

Drinking my daily cup of green tea. Yum.

but they were good miles

I just know that S is going to reject me. I don't know why. Okay, but I had nothing to do with any of it. It's events from undergrad and our friendship was collateral damage...; if that's the reason why he rejects me. I hate waiting on boys. I just want to be friends! A month ago, he did send me an email. It was.... (looking now)... 7 sentences long. But the first sentence was "Hey, cool." Ugh. And this is why I expect nothing from men. They ignore you, and then either pop back into your life or keep ignoring you forever. Sigh. The only man I stay in semi-constant contact with is A, but he's gay so the male-female dynamic is altered.

How many Nestle factories are there? There is one not 1 mile from my new apartment. I'd go on a tour or something, but I've been to Hershey Park 10+ times since 1999 and since Nestle has no roller coasters and no singing cow rides, it can't possibly compare. Unless there's Haagen-Dazs ice cream at the end.

This is my dream.

I now live near a race track. The plan- make local friends and find out if TV racetracks are the same as real racetracks. The whole idea of a racetrack is borderline cruelty to animals. What do horse owners think? I'm from PA, so I'm used to seeing horses quietly munching in a pasture or trotting along with 12 year old girls on their backs. I've seen a horse gallop once in my entire life, and I might have invented that memory.

Horses scare me when I get up close. I never did pony rides.

Saturday I hung out with a different A (I have many friends with A first names), who now lives in the same city where we went to college. Her apt is a half hour drive from here, but with traffic 45 minutes. She came down and I drove around; I made wrong turns and got lost. We had horrible service at a Denny's. Tried to go bowling. Is every bowling alley parking lot sketchy? As a consequence, I haven't been bowling in years. Other skills I no longer possess include rollerskating, ice skating, baseball, tennis, probably the other sports with balls involved. I can hula hoop very well. I can run.

Bowling centers are psychedelic now.

Yesterday I jogged at the community park (walkable from my apt), and I kinda sprained my right ankle. It's a community park- the walkways are paved and the land's structure is man-made. Hello, obvious retention basins. There's a skate park, baseball field, tennis courts. The park isn't as interesting as Hibernia, but on Saturday morning the only other people there were 2 skateboarders. The local police station and health clinic are also there. I'll go every weekend. The fact that my ankle is sprained (very slightly... like one stretched ligament) means I probably won't run again until Wednesday-ish. I have health insurance now, but I don't want to have to use it. Ugh. One moment of looking at the scenery instead of the uneven ground was all it took. But it felt so good to run.

I only did 2.2 miles, but they were good miles.

I might check out a church next Sunday. My mailbox key doesn't work. Stress made me breakout (which I expected), but makeup is a miracle. It's also a miracle that I have a job. Thank you, God.

Today's plan - my hair. Bah. There goes 2 hours, and it's finally gorgeous outside.

first week. i still can't believe i'm employed

It's the end of my first week at my new job. I want to go to sleep.

It's Friday night, they say. You're young, they say. You should call up that dude that keeps texting you and go out, they say.

But A's coming to visit me tomorrow and I want to go to sleep. My phone just "catch me on fire"-d and I'd reach over there to see the text message. But it's so far away. If I didn't have my contacts in, I'd be asleep now.

I learned that Friday evening rush hour traffic is horrible on Rt1. I need to get to work earlier on that day so I can leave earlier. Because that was ridiculous. Still, the commute isn't bad at all. Nothing like when I was driving to King of Prussia back in Oct/Nov.

The work verdict? I'm going to learn a lot. I think there is job security. I think I can earn enough money to be able to live comfortably while I start my PhD program in 2 years. It's been one week since I moved into this apartment, and I really like it. We'll see if I feel the same way in a month. But  work is so physically/mentally tiring that I don't feel alone. Not so far anyway.

My favorite non-family dude to talk to is C. I always laugh. I wish he didn't live a thousand miles away. Let me google map it. Yep. 1,108 miles. An easy 17 hour drive. The longest I've ever done in one shot is 13 hours, a little less than 800miles, PA to GA. I felt very adult and delirious and accomplished. Talk about road haze. I remember stopping for apple soda at a gas station an hour north of Atlanta and that's it. I love those drinks with the words all in Spanish. They taste better.

Where the heck is my kindle? High 50s this weekend. All I have are winter clothes.

energy

There's a bouquet of flowers on my desk, mostly pink, but some purple in there. It's very very rare that I get flowers. I love getting flowers. I want to take them home, but they're so cheerful on my desk. Pink lilies. Gorgeous. They smell good.

Work is confusing because I have to learn a lot (a lot a lot) of acronyms, but with experience I will be able to do the job. And I like my coworkers so far. I got to see how they deal with the people they serve, and I am seeing parallels between my new job and the graduate assistantship I had for 2 years. I can apply the writing center attitude to this job, but while being a bit firmer because there are concrete rules that each situation must fit into.

I like the energy that's present throughout the company campus. I think that I can force myself to wake up earlier and earlier little by little so that I can join the running group. I am sad right now because I'm out of shape again. It's been a month since I seriously ran on a regular basis, and the gym made me weaker. It actually took me a bit to recover my breath after I walked from the first to the third floor at work. I know when I work out every other day, something like that would feel like nothing.

Anyway, I must shower and then go to bed and get up early. Running out of time! I require sleep. I like this apartment so far.

all alone but i'm happy

The night before my first day of work. I'm nervous about being late. I realized I've concentrated so much on the process of moving and completing all the paperwork, that I've forgotten about the actual job. This is different. I'm all alone in this apartment, but I'm happy.  Must take a shower, try on clothes, and sleep the good sleep.

Texting back and forth with my friend C. I wish we'd been friends when we lived near each other :-).

Good luck to everyone this month.

oh darlin gimme the time of day...

And so, I moved out of my parents house. Again. How many times has it been at this point? College doesn't count. So only the second time. It sounds grand, but guess who helped me move? My parents (and my grandfather). And my grandfather. See how they've coddled me? Keeping me insulated from the real world? There's nothing quite like being taken care of and no one who'll take care of you like your parents.

Biggest fears now that I'm sitting in my own apartment? That my carpet allergy will come back. I grew out of it years ago, but if it does, I'm royally screwed. Please no. Knocking on all the wood. I'm not lonely (yet?). When meeting new people, I need to stop dumbing myself down. It's insincere. I miss S, who I was friends with in undergrad but now won't give me the time of day - I have no clue why. He lives maybe 15 miles away.

Unpacking, cleaning, putting things in their place- I am avoiding. Especially the shower curtain. But a person must shower to be able to live with themselves. I foresee a decrease in my calorie consumption because I am simply too lazy too cook. It's back to pasta, veggies, and milk; fast, easy, tasty.

Wandered around outside trying to open my mailbox. Failed. Met a neighbor, sketchy, offered to give me a giant tv for free. I don't need a giant tv, and I don't want to owe him. Can I make a female friend who lives around here? Besides the women in the office, I only see middle-aged men or teenage boys. The Verizon rep and I spent some quality time together. Good man. Vietnam vet.

Tomorrow's plan is to wake up and go food shopping. No more Cheerios for dinner.