Road Trip, Sky Trip, Friendship, Loveship, Layoffs

Adults have to deal with layoffs.  Last week at my internship, 7 people were laid off in 1 fell swoop. The only reason why I'm still there is that I'm just an unpaid intern.  After I train my replacement, I'll be gone too (I seriously already wrote a training guide).  While being sacked is distressing for me, the adults were philosophical.  They accepted it and started dealing (no, not drugs).  Responsibilities forced them to accept and move on.  And here I can't even achieve financial independence.  Oh hell, I started this blog trying to get over a boy.

(This song came on at the beginning of my morning commute - an auspicious sign, I thought.  I heard it again after work, while I was running errands.  Yes to 80s glory.)

Labor of Love

I'm supposed to do a lot of things.  Usually, eventually, I do them (I think that's pretty adult-like).  Yesterday, I finally took steps to shake off my malaise.  In this case, that means making the final arrangements for a friend's bridal shower.  It's a labor of love; please don't put all the emphasis on love.  Labor is also a key word in that sentence.  I made a 100pg scrapbook gift and the materials for 2 bridal shower games.  Much coloring occurred.  I know what you're thinking, but I did not use crayons.  Colored pencils to the rescue.

I'm like Wesley from the classic movie "The Princess Bride."  To a lesser scale.

Eggs Over Easy

I've been down lately because I'll graduate from grad school at the end of summer semester, and yet I still don't have a job.  Adults should have full-time jobs, if not full-time jobs with benefits.  I was telling this to my friend who said something like: I can't get a man or a job either, but all you can do is keep applying.  Everything else is out of your hands.  She's right.  For years now, I've lived by the philosophy that all I can do is my best.  And because I have nothing else to do but try, that's what I do.  I try to get As in school, I try to be the best tutor, the best friend, to write the best thesis I can possibly write.  What bugs me most about searching for a job is the fact that I'm not trying my best.  I don't have the motivation to spend 6 hours a day applying for jobs.  And I want that motivation.  This must be something I'm meant to struggle with.  It never was worth it without a struggle.  Without a struggle, I'm like easy come, easy go (with money, free stuff, and other material things).  You know what, I don't even like eggs over easy.

The yolk is all yellow and runny. Ew. I make excellent scrambled eggs.

Yesterday a friend I spoke to on the phone said I seemed sadder lately.  Well I am, but I didn't think it was obvious.  This doesn't change much, but I already vowed that I'd stop trying to be 100% happy when I'm not (If I refuse to tell others how to feel, I shouldn't be a hypocrite and tell myself).  Except I take it back for my other friend's upcoming wedding.  I owe it to her to be happy then.  I am not a ruiner of weddings and their associated activities, no ma'am.

Today I mentioned Bud fondly in passing conversation.  Progress is marching on.

I like to think that Bud's happy for me.  He really is a good guy; it just didn't work out.  Life's like that.

Human Compassion

Today I went to work, like an adult. I was scared to go b/c I thought I might run into Bud, but I didn't.  All was good. While at work, I had a good conversation with one of my favorite coworkers about painful topics.  It happened very hush hush in the break room.  At some point, I may have cried into one of those industrial paper towels found exclusively in public bathrooms. (Spontaneous crying happens when I'm sad and people are nice to me.  Human compassion directed towards me surprises me so much that I get weepy in gratitude.  I'm one of those people who is perceived as "having their shit together," so when someone bothers to look closer at me and realize that I have no clue what the hell I'm doing, it's like I don't have to put up the social mask anymore.  It's such a relief.  In this case, hence the tears?)

The type of industrial paper towel found in public restrooms, university bathrooms, gov't buildings, etc.

Besties

The older I get, the more I hear "fake it till you make it."  Does this work?  I admit, I go to work with the attitude "dress for the job you want, not the job you have."  That allows me to keep hoping.  But I hear the "fake it" phrase applied most to being happy.  Despite the content of this blog, I'm not depressed by nature, so I've been trying to act happy.  I think most people do this.  I've been told it's the civil thing to do, the polite thing. People, even your family, will get tired of you if they see you sad all the time.

Faking it takes so much energy.  Can I stop now?  I wanted to stop being sad about Bud in a week, but it's not even about him anymore. I think it's just the fact that I'm tired of doing it alone.  I'm not talking about family - my family is here.  I just mean that I want a best friend who is also my boyfriend.  And before I dated Bud, I was in a place where I forgot that I wanted that; where I forgot that people need that.  I don't need to start dating Bud again.  Yeah, I'm in that weird post-break up stage where for some reason I want my future best friend to be him.  But I accepted that it wouldn't be the afternoon we broke up.

So I think I'll stop forcing myself to act happy when I'm alone.  In public, I'll stop avoiding Bud and I'll wear my sunglasses.  I'll take my vitamins and run and eat and and apply for jobs and stop marathon-ing Korean dramas.  And when I'm alone, if it's a day when I feel sad, then I'll stop analyzing myself and just let myself feel sad.

Besties for life go on vacation together! (Please know me well enough to recognize when I use irony.)

The LAW and/ Bud

I think adults should be proud of their actions.  I'm not proud of myself.  The story:

I told my little cousin I'd buy her bubble tea a couple weeks ago.  So today my sister and I picked her up and we went and got bubble tea to go (honeydew, papaya, and mango).  It was delicious.

Honeydew flavored bubble tea.  My cousin got this kind.

My sister suggested we go to the park to play (!!) and drink it.  The park is literally the next block over from Break Up Dude(BUD)'s house.  Henceforth, his name is Bud.  It's like I dated the kid from Bill Cosby.

Bud is the kid on the right.  He later played Tia's boyfriend on "Sister Sister," but when I say Bud, I mean this kid.

Anyway, there's the park.  Then there's the block with Bud's house.  I could see his car in the driveway.  This was too close for comfort, but I said okay.  We parked.  We moseyed into the park with our bubble teas.  I paranoidly looked around, hoping not to see Bud, but hoping to see Bud.  I didn't see Bud.  I did see possibly the world's coolest dad (he kept 3 kids happy and they all had manners), the ice cream man, not very clever graffiti (F*** The LAW And/ snitches), and the insides of a blunt.  I also hugged a London Plane tree to annoy my sister, and because I find hugging trees relaxing.

So the part I'm not proud about is that after we made ourselves sick with bubble tea and swings, my sister started talking about samosas.  There was an Indian place up the street, so I suggested we walk.  Now, I didn't have to walk right by Bud's house.  I could have avoided it.  Did I avoid it?  No.  I walked right on by, wishing he'd coincidentally step outside for some reason.  Again, I didn't see Bud, but I'm not proud of myself.  Not proud at all. At least I took my sister and cousin on a different route on the walk back to the car.

We ordered vegetarian samosas.  If you've never had a samosa - you  should.

Were those the actions of a creepy stalker?

Coloring and Playing

I think adults aren't much for coloring.  I don't think they hate coloring, but instead of coloring, they do constructive things (laundry and exercising and cooking and bill paying).  Adult playing is TV or video games.  Adults also aren't much for playing outside, which is just plain wrong.  I'm guilty of this.  When I go outside, it's either to complete a task (walk the dog, go for a run, talk on the phone), or to be flat out lazy (stand around, look at the sky, lay in the grass).  I think I need a game of hide-and-seek.

On the break up front, I'm still apprehensive of how I'll react when I have to be within 30 meters of him, since Tuesday didn't go well.  Thankfully, I don't have to be within 30 meters until Monday.  And if I'm avoiding him, he's avoiding me, so there's a really small risk of actual contact.  I'm in the phase where something happens and I think, I have to tell him about this - he'll love it.  Then I remember that I can't.  That's the saddest thing - the fact that some line was crossed and now I've lost a good friend.  I don't have many local friends, so ouch.  It  hurts more than the end of the relationship did.  Still, no tears today.  Let's hope I'm done with that.

It was deliciously cold outside today, reminded me of spring.  It was overcast and misting and nothing but green and gray and black and brown.  I wore an old blue dress and a cardigan, and when the dog ran away,  I put on my hiking boots and went into the wet grass after her.  When I found her in the woods, she started running home, and I chased her all the way.  Everything was wet, except my feet.  I love the dichotomy of a girly dress and hiking boots.  It was the most beautiful day.

Mornings

I should be an adult by now, but I'm busy hiding like a child.  Hiding from everything.  Today's chosen method of hiding was marathon-ing a K-drama (The King 2 Hearts starring Lee Seung-gi). If you've never watched a K-drama, they're mini-series produced in South Korea.  They can be any genre:  telenovela-like (aka makjang), police procedural, rom-com, fantasy, time travel, historical (aka sageuk), or a fusion of genres.  The makjang ones are full of amnesia, birth secrets, cancer, love triangles, sacrifice, death, and they end badly. I avoid them like the plague.  There are only so many hours I can watch a grown man in a white suit playing a baby grande piano on the beach as a silent tear rolls down his cheek.  After 5 years of K-dramas, I love the sound of Hangul and kept walking around saying "aish" whenever I was exasperated today.

Lee Seung-gi, or the son-in-law desired by all South Korean mothers with eligible daughters.  I swear he doesn't normally wear that many bracelets.

Sources of exasperation:
(1) After 2 and a half months of running consistently, my shin splints picked today to come back.
(2) That stupid broken relationship (I'm a broken record).
(3) My fruitless job search.
(4) Wedding planning (obviously not my own wedding). Logistics are hell.
(5) Mornings.

Mornings are the hardest.  They've always been hard b/c I don't wake up well, but they're worse now.  Why?  I confess to missing my thesis just a little.  When did it become the devil I know?  Ah well, it's not like it won't be back in a couple weeks to torment me.

I'd go to my part-time tomorrow, but I'm scared to walk by the house.  I'd probably cry behind my fake Ray Bans and be unable to smile prettily for the security guards.  I'll put it off until Friday.

My fake Ray Bans are classic aviators. :-P

Savior Sunglasses

I should be an adult by now, but today I childishly stomped my foot and made a "yuck" face when I had to buy something at the store right next to the store where break up dude works.  I had sunglasses on, so I figure no one recognized me.  But I think adults only stomp their feet in private.  I'm not totally surprised that I did this, because once this past semester I started whining in class.  I didn't realize until someone called me on it.  I tried to stop.  That's how you know you're done with school.

On the crying front, the tears were back again today b/c I had to go to a place with memories.  Again, those same sunglasses came to my rescue.  There were happy couples everywhere.  I never noticed that so many people are married and have beautiful, healthy, doting children.  The happy couples were so cute!  I loved it. In my delirium, I didn't even notice the 105 degree heat index.

As far as blabbing to everyone I know about the break up goes, I only told one of my cousins over the phone.  Progress?  Of course she's in a long-term stable relationship.  How do those happen?  One day I'll get lucky.

The savior sunglasses.

(1) and (2)

I should be an adult by now, but I like to think adults don't develop irrational hatred towards things they can't control - things like the fact that Maroon 5 songs continue to be played on the radio.  Alas, I know that adults in fact do develop irrational hatreds.  In my personal experience, various adults have expressed irrational hatred towards helium balloons that won't deflate, drunk women in white dresses, Mini Coopers, white people, racially ambiguous people, cats, black people, the color pea green, men, the color gray, war and peace, NASA, organized religion, and fried okra.  I won't even start on irrational disdain.

On the break up front, today I was forced to shave my legs, get dressed, put on some earrings, and go out into the world.  The 3rd person I saw was a guy without a shirt on, a guy who works out.  He smiled at me.  I smiled back from behind my sunglasses.  Thank you heat wave.  They say time heals all wounds, and I figured this one would heal pretty quickly because (1) we only dated 2 months and (2) I never felt secure the whole time - how attached can you get when you don't fully trust the other person?  Still, I needed the time to mourn what could have been.  I knew from the get-go that there was a 90% chance that I was just the rebound, but I'm an optimist.

This positiveness is mostly the endorphins talking (I went on a run).  But it's also me.  Today I didn't cry one tear, and I felt truly depressed only in the morning.  I ate almost like I regularly do.  I was able to listen to songs about love on the radio.  While running, I didn't trip because I can concentrate again.  I interacted with the people in my house.  I still feel the burning desire to tell everyone I see or talk to that I just survived a break up, but I didn't actually do it.  Progress.  Life does mercilessly move on.

Speechify me

I should be an adult by now, but I think I've moved into the bargaining phase, in which I plead with myself not to do anything I'll regret.  Do adults have more self-control?  I also googled breaking up, hoping I'd discover a way to fast-forward time.  Alas.

(I did learn that I shouldn't go over to his house and return the present he gave me, while spouting forth a heartfelt speech about how much he sucks and I rock.  The speech would make him beg to date me again, so that I could later dump him.  It's good that I learned this, because I was already on the 3rd draft.  The content brought tears to my eyes.)

I would be even more self-indulgent if it wasn't for the fact that a giant stinging insect somehow made its way inside to terrorize me.  It won't leave my room.  I'm afraid to piss it off.  I can't leave b/c the thesis corrections are supposed to be done by tomorrow afternoon.  They're far from done, but today is the first day that I can honestly say I'm working on them.  Only took 2 and a half days.  Not consistently working, but hey - it's boring.

Because I'm still in the anger/spiteful phase, I honestly hope he's miserable right now.  Because some of this is self-directed anger/spite, I doubt his degree of misery is equal to mine.  I just want it to be equal or more.  Yes, this is the blog where I broadcast uncomfortable truths about myself.  I like to think blogging is anonymous, but shows about genius hacker cyber criminals have showed me that it's not.  And yet I click the "Publish" button anyway.  Why?  Writing makes me feel better.

The power to eat

I should be an adult by now, able to use my intense powers of concentration to finish this 10th round of thesis edits, but I have tried to learn about mushrooms for 4 hours, and I've failed.  I think it has something to do with the fact that I have lost the will to eat.

Lies - I had a half a glass of skim milk and half a plain bagel while I was taking my vitamins.  "Taking my vitamins" sounded like the words of an adult, but just know that 2 of those vitamins were gummy.  Still, compared to what I normally eat, which is less than the average American, but more than a picky child, I am exhibiting eating disorder tendencies.  They tell me brains don't function right under those conditions.  I was like this yesterday, but then around 8:30pm I ate a serving of those salty orange cheesy crackers, so I thought I'd regained the power to eat.  But this morning I woke up, didn't feel the crushing weight of depression, but boo-ed because I did feel grossed out at the thought of eating granola and skim milk (I normally love raisin-less granola and skim milk).

Vitamins, granola, skim milk.  From that list you can probably tell that I had a problem way before the break up two days ago.  To sum up that sob story, I gained weight, screamed when I looked in the mirror one day, then learned how to eat like an adult.  I exercised, lost 25 pounds in 5 years.  It was slow and torturous, and left me deathly afraid of becoming chubby again.  It's hard to live in fear, but motivating.

I think I'm progressing along the break-up front.  I cried much less today.  I got angry, then sad, then angry, then sad.  Very quickly.  The sudden switch in emotions is unsettling, but anger is a different emotion, and right now, I want a different emotion.  This relationship lasted only since early May, so I only have one thing he gave me to destroy.  I'm contemplating which would make me feel better - smash it or return it?  If I smashed it, I'd have to clean it up.  If I return it, I might have to see him.  I have until the end of July to decide.

Emotional Lag: Is it just me?

I should be an adult by now, but an adult doesn't decide to start a blog less than 24 hours after the guy she was dating told her he's just not into her anymore.  From a movie, I got the idea that you can't tell a person how to feel.  This comes in handy when I'm criticized, as it allows me to run away yelling "Don't tell me how to feel!" in a dramatic voice.  Not so handy right now.  Right now it turns out that I can't even tell myself how to feel, despite trying really really hard.  I'm giving myself a week to wander around the house spontaneously crying (not the loud tears though), a roll of toilet paper in my left hand, not even putting in my contacts because it might be possible to cry them out.  Is it?  Sometimes I shower with them in, water gets in my eyes, and they slide around on my eyeball.

So, as I sat there and listened to him talk about how he didn't want to make me sad and he felt too awkward talking about his ex in front of me and he'd thought about this for an entire week, I discovered (again) that people do decide you aren't what they wanted and that they just don't like you anymore.  I have learned this lesson before (I had also learned the rebound lesson before, but in theory, not practice.).  I also discovered that, due to my emotional lag (aka delayed emotional reaction), I wasn't going to cry.  My voice sounded normal.  I was able to sit and watch youtube videos and laugh the polite laugh that comes out at times when society has conditioned me to produce it.  When it was time for me to go, I even hugged him goodbye, knowing it would be a cold day in hell before I voluntarily saw him again, and hopped down the porch step with an inappropriate amount of bounce and pep and energy.  I even turned back and waved.  What the hell is wrong with me?

I should be an adult by now, but if I was an adult, I wouldn't have tried to make him feel okay about breaking up with me.  I would have prioritized me.