it's post-Oahu me

I didn't log onto a computer for 9 days, and it felt great. I loved my vacation - it was like I didn't have a job. Like I was a college student in between semesters again. Only a college student who was free to spend whatever I wanted as I went about doing the tourist life on Oahu, with military friends as a guide. I'm a total fan. You know it's a great vacation when you're sad to go home. Sometimes, I'm happy to be done with a trip and get back home where it's cozy - not this time. This trip also marked the longest plane ride I've ever taken, which was Dallas to Honolulu. Hmm, all I'm doing is gushing, but it's because I've spent the past 9 and a half days surrounded by family (often crammed in next to family), and it's never easy to go from that to my solo apartment. Not that I don't love my solo apartment. It's just, I'm an adult again. I've said it before and I'll say it again, there's nothing quite like being taken care of by people you have absolute faith in. Trust.

I swear this is the road MB lives on in Aiea, HI. Her kids are the cutest.

When I did come back, I realized:

• I might want to invest in a spice rack. Something so they're not just randomly stacked all around. They probably have those at Ikea, but I'm not sure how willing I am to brave Ikea on a Friday night. Do they have them at Walmart and I just never noticed?
• I still have dead flowers in a vase from my birthday, two months ago.
• I don't know quite what to do with Bartholemew the gerbil which my cousin AM gave me, but I think he's adorable and I wish he wasn't a key chain.
• I need to make a list and spend the weekend Christmas shopping.
• My sisters and I really are going to play it off like we spent all of Christmas in Hawaii.
• I'm back to don't-really-care mode with S, which is b/c I'm not convinced he really cares, so I can't set myself up for failure. Novels teach me that this means I'm setting myself up for failure since I'm not going all-in.

Hanauma Bay - We went here on the 4th day for the snorkling and had a sibling beach photo shoot.

black coat, red hat / he's walking like that

Last night I finished writing the 5 blogs for EG's company website. Now I don't have to worry about posting while I'm on vacation :-). Each blog post is 200-400 words. It's funny. Lately, I only read the blogs of a few fashionistas whose style I love, and 2 blogs about Kdramas. In the past, I did try to find a blog about books, but none of them ever really clicked for me. I enjoy writing about writing though. Maybe this whole time I was looking for a blog about writing. Each post is work, but it's work I enjoy. It's work that wakes me up mentally after a trying day at work, and gets me excited. And all this writing about writing is bound to get me in the mindset to write again.

I remember what it's like. The world is inspiration. The man walking towards Rt1 as I drive to work in the morning is the main character of a potential story. His coat is the reason I noticed him - black leather, but with a white tiger face staring boldly back, and he wears a bright red flattened top hat. There's a word for that type of hat, but I don't know it. Where's he going every morning, and why does he have to walk there? Why isn't he driving or taking a bus like everyone else? It's below freezing these mornings.

Alternately, I'm meeting S on the way to my parents' house, in the middle of nowhere. Nothing will be open but Walmart.

but creeeepy stuff happens in nowhere...

I'd rather do a diner, but that closes at 8 in the tiny town, and I won't get there until after 8, since I have to wait for rush hour traffic to be over. Is this a good idea or a bad idea? Probably bad, since talking to him isn't high on my priority list. Apparently I'm turning into a high schooler. It wouldn't have to be this way if his stupid ass would just visit me instead. Stupid.

Off to buy a bathing suit.

i'm ordering a hurricane

You know, a laptop is just as good a source of warmth as the cup of tea when all the tea's gone and I hold it against my stomach. Should I just buy a hot water bottle?

I got to talk to E and M today via skype. My laptop is just old enough that it did not come equipped with a webcam. At least I got to see the baby. She's a pretty baby. Cute little features. That little girl knows how good she's got it, with her two adoring parents.

I made a drink - Dark and Stormy - which is just rum and ginger beer. I use the Goya ginger beer, which is painful to drink even flat. I had to water the thing down with some cranberry juice. The next time I go out, I'm ordering a hurricane; the drink sounds delicious.

or better yet, 3 hurricanes! muhahahaha

I tried to break it off with S. But I let myself be pulled in. And then he called me on Tuesday. And then decided not to text me really. Does he just want to be the one to officially end whatever this is? Am I paranoid for thinking  that way? I don't have much trust. I think I'll never see him again, so what's the point in getting invested? I really do think this. I also don't think he's the one for me anyway, so I should encourage the drifting away. And then I want to hold tight. But it doesn't matter if I can't sort things out because I'll never see him again anyway. I'm muddled.

And now, time for:

the rest of the winters of my life

I wrote my first two blog entries for my friend's publishing company and sent them off to her. Hoping they have the right feel. When I asked her what to write about, she said something that I'm passionate about. Once the joy of talking about reading and writing took over, it was easy to write the posts. I was intimidated at first because of my failure with the press release. And of course, I had to come and talk about it here. It's a bloggy kind of night.

bloggy rhymes with froggy! this dude looks like royalty

Weirdly enough, although I ran out of biotin last week or the week before, my nails are really strong. It must be the water. I keep expecting them to break every time I accidentally shove my hands somewhere, but they don't. Why is this awesome thing happening to me? Will it continue to happen to me for the rest of the winters of my life? Speaking of winter, the solstice is Dec 21, which I really and truly want to happen so that I can stop going to and coming from work in the dark. It's a novelty to be outside in the day, and that's just not right.

I had a hamburger at the Christmas party for the first time since I accidentally ate one about 2 years ago; I didn't like it then, and I still didn't really like it now. Don't get me started on the horrible summer at my parents' house (4? years ago) when my dad made hamburgers for dinner every single day on the grill and my mom cooked nothing at all. My sisters and I have sworn off hamburgers because of that. I thought I was ready to start over, but I was wrong.

please take them, oh hamburgler

Don't know what's going on with the S thing. I don't know what's going on with my car - there was frost on the inside. Booo. Booo, I tell you.

i fail at press releases. i need to take a class

So I am now almost a paid blogger! Obviously not here, but life gets exciting when your friends start their own businesses. I've got no plans to head to business school, so that isn't going to happen. For now, I'll just blog. Writing finally put to work.

Snow day today - pto. I stayed home and tried to write a press release. After much ado, I gave up. I'll stick to fiction and blogging. My tendency to exaggerate is hard to turn off. Facts always get embellished. Anyway, it stopped snowing around 1:30pm and cleared up, so I went and finally bought a carry-on suitcase. It's red and I'm going to tie a ribbon on it so I can tell it apart from all the others.

tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree...

All in all, I was able to check many things off my list. Now I just need to buy those travel-size bathroom necessities. These days, I'm into watching reruns of Drake and Josh, which I used to watch reruns when I was in undergrad. They're both around my age. This was sparked by seeing Josh Peck in the Mindy Project. He's hilarious there too, by the way.

So I tried to break it off with S starting last Thursday and after fighting via text message, I'm back where I started except I've been forced to admit to myself that I do actually like him. I used to joke to myself about him wearing me down until I actually liked him, like what happens in novels. Apparently those novels are based on real life. It's still weird - I read that there are 8 elements of being attracted to someone - I can't remember where, but the last one was physical. And that's the one I have no clue about, which really worries me and was the main reason why I tried to break it off. Of course, I was depressed after I brought it up, but I expected to be. Ugh, it's a mess.

if this state would just salt effectively

Snowy Sunday.

I finally got it sorted out with S. I think. I had to talk about feelings (ew), but via text message. It was weird, and one of the reasons why I wanted to stop. He said he was having a hard time adjusting to his new job. Blah blah excuses, excuses. In order to make him accept it, I said fine, call me when you're not figuring out what the heck you have time for and what you don't want to make a priority. Only I said it nicer. Apparently he accepted that his actions drove me away and/or stopped me from getting close at all. So he agreed, and no more contact for a while. I know it's fine because no crying. Just dissatisfaction because I'm now used to the attention (which disappoints me - didn't know I was an attention-whore). Amazing how fast I get used to something. S did text me the next day, but I didn't respond, so by now he must know I'm serious. There is a period of time, people, when you stop being potentially romantically involved with someone, but you can't just turn on the friendship button. I need no contact!

Only about 2 inches of snow fell, but now it's raining freezing ice. Dare I hope for a 1 hour delay at work? Even if there isn't one, I'll probably do it anyway. I'm not trying to have one of these crazy MD drivers hit me - they don't know to drive slower when there's ice. I can only shake my head. MD, please put sand/salt down to protect the fools you're supposed to be protecting. This state just does not salt effectively.

Meanwhile, I have been teaching myself all the words, punctuation, and line breaks in Yeats' The Second Coming, by writing the poem down over and over and grading myself to see my progress.

yellow dandelions

I need to print this out, make a big glossy high quality poster, and paste it on my wall at work, at home, add it as a seat cover in the car.

this *** is bananas b a n a n a s

I'm embarrassed - I looked at facebook to see if JT who just text messaged me had deleted me. She either did (and unfriended all of our mutual friends), or quit facebook. Anyway, I looked at BG's friend list to see if JT was there and who should pop up on the mutual friend screen but Bud! Dun dun dun. I'm not crazy, so I'm not contacting him, but I am surprised at how that actually hurt. A dull hurt, not a sharp one. But after not experiencing any relationship hurts lately, the dull feels worse by comparison. I guess this just confirms how hard I'm trying not to care about S, who I've stopped believing in b/c he seems to be all talk and no action. Why are either of us even wasting our time by text messaging? It's probably just me. Maybe one of these impending holiday parties will give me some real prospects. Although at work there are precious few young people compared to all the married people who are 40+.

this *** is bananas b-a-n-a-n-a-s. anyone else censor themselves? thanks, radio

I finally cracked and stopped by the grocery store. Here's my random list ($49.94):
2 red bell peppers
3 bananas
3 sweet potatoes
2 pomegranates
3 cans condensed soup
1lb ground turkey
4 ground turkey patties
4 boxes Mom's Best cereal
1 quart egg nog
1 half gallon orange juice
1 dozen eggs
1lb 3oz sweet potato fries
1 loaf oatmeal bread

I always feel like I got ripped off when food shopping. Also, pomegranates are pricey. If I didn't have an intense craving for them lately, I wouldn't have bought them. I came straight home and started cooking. 1 hour and 19 minutes later, I'm stuffed (with 1 banana, 1 serving sweet potato fries, 1 talk glass of water, 1 turkey patty, 1 hard boiled egg), sitting here drinking tea. Thank you internet, for helping me master the art of boiling eggs. If I get hungry later, I need some veggies.

i made dumplings once. i NEED to do it again. okay, obviously still hungry...

to be like family

December. Back in my apt after 4 days away. It's the same. I'm probably the same. I've been hundreds of miles away by car. I came back though. When I travel, I sometimes think about staying forever in the place I visited. I think I'd be happier there in the moment when I choose between north and south. It's lying to myself of course. I hear about people who just drove away, but those people don't want the ties. I want more ties. I want to be firmly anchored. Many other people want this more than I do. Family is our social construct which binds us; even close friends are said to be "like family."

I wished on a star on the drive back, about a half hour in. Perfect clumps of clouds obscuring the just set sun. There, dead ahead the first star, probably actually a planet. I wished on it anyway, and I wished not to be lonely. No matter how much I age, I'm always in this mood when I leave my family.

Starlight, star bright, first star...

In other news, I'm debating online dating to relieve the boredom. Is this a sign that I need to find some local single friends? I'm stuck on my name. Also, I need someone to take photos of me that aren't me posing next to Batman and Robin at Six Flags...